Advice column...do you tell a friend about his wife cheating on him?

[1nitestan]

Well my Perb bros n hoes (I say that with love of course). I wanna find out what I should do......

As the title says, that's the basic gist of the situation.

Husband- typical good/nice guy. Great dad, Hard working, blah blah blah. About the only thing I can tell him to improve on is to spend more time with his wife.

Wife - she's not a very nice person...in fact, she's really a ball buster. It's gotten to the point where I can't take being at a party when she's around cuz of the criticisms of him that come out of her mouth in front of other friends. I can understand why, although he tries, they don't spend much time together.

Anyway, Wife confides things with the girls and it so happens one of these girls is a friend of mine who mentions that Wife is cheating on my buddy. It's the same old story played time and again. My female friend says I should tell him....

Discuss....Aaannnd GO!

 

[ddcanz]

Well my Perb bros n hoes (I say that with love of course). I wanna find out what I should do......

As the title says, that's the basic gist of the situation.

Husband- typical good/nice guy. Great dad, Hard working, blah blah blah. About the only thing I can tell him to improve on is to spend more time with his wife.

Wife - she's not a very nice person...in fact, she's really a ball buster. It's gotten to the point where I can't take being at a party when she's around cuz of the criticisms of him that come out of her mouth in front of other friends. I can understand why, although he tries, they don't spend much time together.

Anyway, Wife confides things with the girls and it so happens one of these girls is a friend of mine who mentions that Wife is cheating on my buddy. It's the same old story played time and again. My female friend says I should tell him....

Discuss....Aaannnd GO!

Why the FUCK would you tell your buddy based on 2nd hand news? Did you see her do it? Does hubby suspect something and is asking you questions? Maybe it's just a fling. Maybe he doesn't give her what she needs. Who knows? Happens all the time. You may not like the wife, but chances are you will lose your buddy as well, and at the very least fuck up the family.
If your "girl friend" is so concerned then she can step up and do the deed- and take the inevitable heat that comes with. Or is SHE then breaking some trust code with the wife? She sounds like a coward if she wants to put it on you.
Leave it alone- it's really none of your business.

 

[sybian]

.....^.......Yikes!!!
What Double "D" said....I'd give that situation a very wide walk around.

 

[way.tomuch]

Its NONE of your business ,, stay out of it period

 

[bcneil]

He probably already knows.

 

[felixthecat]

I think you'll get very biased results on this forum. Not many monogamy defenders are around, but lots of cheaters or those helping them (not judging).
So let me try the other side for a change.

My female friend says I should tell him....

Well are you going to help / trust your friends, or somebody you don't even like? Ask yourself, if you were in the position of the husband, would you like to be told? I personally would, even if this is just a rumor. He can take steps to find out for sure. A rumor can only have consequences if the family had serious issues to begin with.

I discount "breaking the family" argument. We don't spare the feelings of each mother who gets heartbroken when her son goes to jail. It's not our sin and not our decision what the family are going to do.

If the messenger doesn't want to be killed, an anonymous Gmail is always an option.

 

[hornygandalf]

My response is no different to anyone else. You heard gossip. You don't know what is ACTUALLY going on.
It puts you in a really bad position to be suggesting anything to him that may even slightly be less than accurate... let alone, is it even your business to be telling him?

What you are doing now "telling him to spend more time with his wife" is probably the best you can be doing. Encourage and support him to do what is needed to improve the marriage (though it takes two to tango), rather than create turmoil.

 

[sybian]

Felix.....Really? An anonymous email will just raise suspicion about the source, and who knows besides himself.
Then he trusts, and confides in nobody. Like Gandalf and everyone else here said....It's just heresay.
If a person is going to pick up that kind of info, and present it to a marriage, you'd better be damn sure it's accurate.
Your right about the fact that He ..The Husband...can take steps to find out for sure, but you can be almost certain that he will attack the message bearer, at least at first.
I've seen that situation before, and have been asked afterwards if I knew about it, and if I did, why didn't I say anything?
It's best to steer clear of the shrapnel thats sure to start flying...It has a way of sticking into random innocent bystanders.

 

[felixthecat]

An anonymous email will just raise suspicion about the source, and who knows besides himself.
Then he trusts, and confides in nobody. Like Gandalf and everyone else here said....It's just heresay.
If a person is going to pick up that kind of info, and present it to a marriage, you'd better be damn sure it's accurate.

Yes it will raise suspicion, but that matches the reality - multiple people share the knowledge/rumor.
Heresay or not, only the criminal courts require "beyond reasonable doubt". For civilian matters, even the courts can pick what's more likely (i.e. >50%).

If the information is right, the wife is practically begging to be exposed anyway by telling multiple friends.

I'd hate to be the husband who finds out last what's going on. Yes most people won't say because of the aftermath, understandable, that's why an anonymous note is not the worst option. Using email allows answering followup questions.

I don't know what I would do actually. Depends on how much I trust the information, whether I can get more details, whether I think the husband would want to be told. Not on my belief "this family should/should not be saved" or any moral judgement.

 

[mercyshooter]

no matter what, never! Telling will destroy everyone!

 

[ddcanz]

Yes it will raise suspicion, but that matches the reality - multiple people share the knowledge/rumor.
Heresay or not, only the criminal courts require "beyond reasonable doubt". For civilian matters, even the courts can pick what's more likely (i.e. >50%).

If the information is right, the wife is practically begging to be exposed anyway by telling multiple friends.

I'd hate to be the husband who finds out last what's going on. Yes most people won't say because of the aftermath, understandable, that's why an anonymous note is not the worst option. Using email allows answering followup questions.

I don't know what I would do actually. Depends on how much I trust the information, whether I can get more details, whether I think the husband would want to be told. Not on my belief "this family should/should not be saved" or any moral judgement.

Really?- an anonymous note or email?
Sounds about as cowardly as the "girl friend" who thinks Stan should do the deed when she doesn't have the flaps herself to say it to hubby's face or betray her friend, the wife. By passing this little nugget on to Stan she's already betrayed a confidence. Great "friend" there.
No moral judgment at all- either step up or step aside!

 

[felixthecat]

Sounds about as cowardly as the "girl friend"

As I said, if I were in the husband's position, I'd like to be told. Being told by cowards or girls is fine, too. Being told "there's a rumor" is also fine.

The alternative, put yourself in the husband position, is to be blissfully unaware what the wife does, even if everybody else knows. Is that your choice?
Say it. Say "if I were the husband, I wouldn't want my friend to tell me if they hear about wife cheating". Something tells me, not everybody in the thread will choose that.

 

[badbadboy]

What if it's just the booze talking? Lots of shit gets said once the booze starts flowing.

Getting between feuding spouses is a dumb ass thing to to. First of all the female will look for retribution which may alienate you from your circle of friends and secondly your buddy won't thank you when it's all said and done.

These things have a natural course that they take and it's best it happens that way or risk losing a friend.

 

[ddcanz]

So when you hear through a third party that your buddy's wife is screwing around on him you will instantly run over and fill him in?
Good luck with that- hope everything works out for all concerned.
The question was whether Stan should spill a rumour to his pal- not if he'd want to know if it was happening to him.
Not your wife and not your life.
Felix, your statement "A rumour can only have consequences if the family had serious issues to begin with" is complete horseshit. Why plant a seed that can only lead to grief of some sort?
What YOU want to be told and what is YOUR business to tell are two completely separate things here.

 

[clu]

I once had a trusted friend tell me she heard from another that my girlfriend of the time was cheating. When I brought it up to her she ripped into me and the credibility of my source. "You're going to believe something a friend of a friend told you?" If it is going to be anything more than stirring the pot it should have to come from the person who knows first hand and has something tangible to offer.

 

[Lo-ki]

Run away....run away...

 

[BruceLee666]

Just my 2cents but I had a similiar situation years back. One of my closest friend starts dating an associate of my then girl friend. He's happy, getting regular sex and having a great old time. He even starts talking marriage possibility about a year into the relationship. My lady is then told by mutual girlfriend that she has been seeing her ex on the side. I know this doesn't compared to married couples with kids or anything, but there was no way I was going to let him continue down this path with her. I told him and included info about dates that coincided with her not being available to go out or was busy. I told him if this was all bullshit then no big deal, if your relationship can't survive a little jealousy and suspicion when the truth is layed out then it probably wasn't very solid anyway. He confronted her and she broke down and confessed. He walked away from her and never looked back. Years later he's happily married and has a great kid and still one of my closest buddies.

The long and short of things is if this guys is a real friend you tell him rumor or not. If he doesn't have the balls to find out the truth then it's on him not you. What's worse is if he ever found out that you all knew and never told him. In the end all your doing is support the bitch that you don't like by inaction.

 

[BruceLee666]

Again just my 2 cents

 

[PierreCoeur]

If you are a friend, you investigate further and collect a bit of evidence. You will find out whether the statement is true or not. Don't just let the matter go . . . as others are suggesting you do.

Your friend finds out on his own it could be worse. He says to you. I just found out my wife was cheating on me. You say . . . ya I had heard the rumour and did fug all to let you know or gather more intel.

Are you a friend or are you going to listen to those in the room who are suggesting you not get involved.

 

[Sporting]

I'd say nothing but pay more attention to your friend, and focus on being a good friend. This is a stress that, if true, will erupt sometime. He's going to need a friend. If it is going on, you don't have to go looking for it, it will surface in the course of time. What's lost in this so far is the children. It is selfish if the parents go into a nasty divorce and disrupt their world. They don't deserve that. Help him be a good husband, as well as a good Dad. Encourage him to date his wife from time to time.