This will be a long read.
I'm pretty new to this hobby and site so hello to everyone. I have a story about myself i want to tell but never really could tell to anyone before. I guess a good place to start is the begging, so i'll just get to it.
2 years ago i set out to kill myself. At the time i was 23 years old, 6'3 and just under 500lbs.
I tried to get close to other people. I tried to have sex on two separate occasions that ended so terribly wrong that it put me off sex for years. I hated being laughed at all the time that i changed the way i looked. i grew a goatee got some tattoos, shaved my head. i gave myself this "scary" image that i thought would intimidate people. It worked. People stopped laughing at me. I started acting different around people as well. I would be very loud and say rude things to people so people would think that i'm some kind of asshole.
I never could find my place with other people. I would always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I eventually just shut everyone out by lying. It got so bad that no that knew really knew me. I lied about everything for no reason sometimes. I made little imaginary lives for myself and would try and see what i could tell people before they stopped believing me.
My family thought i was one person and people at work thought i was someone completely different. At one point i had 5 "alter egos" going with five different groups of people. It became a game for me and all the while i kept distancing myself from everyone. I trusted no one. I did all this to try and prevent being hurt. If people laughed at one of my other persona's i could just shrug it off because they wern't laughing at me.
I built up all these walls around me. I felt safe for the first time in years. It was pretty cool. I could be anyone and say anything. I grew this false confidence about myself. People actually started to talk to me. I became the cool one in my circle of friends that i built. No one laughed at me anymore. Instead i was the one telling the jokes. I became popular almost. It felt awesome. I had to take out several lines of credit with a few banks to pay for my new lifestyle. I didn't have a clue
Then it all collapsed. I don't know how it happened but all my lies crumbled around me. Everyone around me was disgusted with me. i lost everyone except my family. Though they didn't really want to see me after what i did to them. I couldn't handle going back to what i was before. the thought of being alone again crippled me.
So i planned out my last week alive. On my list i wanted to actually have sex. So i looked through the Straight to the classifieds and called up a place and made an appointment. When i get there i was allowed to choose a girl. I don't remember her name but what i do remember was that she beautiful. So she takes me to another room and tells me to get undressed. I cringed inside. As i undress she looks me up and down. I remember standing there naked waiting for some kind of comment or jib at my appearance. Maybe an insult. Instead she just smiles and leads me to the bed. the sex was not that special. I was pretty shit and i honestly didn't feel very much. But all that didn't matter cause for the entire time she never once smirked or laughed at me.
I was so confused that the next day i call up the place again and go back. Same girl and again i get undressed and nothing. I'm standing there at 500lbs full of stretch marks, acne scars, burns and potched up skin, and she again just smiles and leads me to the bed. I asked her why she isn't disgusted and refuse to see me. This is when she starts to laugh. She tells me that i am cute and naive. The idea of paying for sex at first seemed so seedy and wrong, but afterwards it felt better than anything i experienced before.
To me this was incredible. It felt so good to open yourself up someone and not be shot down. I resolved not kill myself. Instead i chose life.
Fast forward 2 years later. I'v lost 220 lbs, i payed off my debt and i got a decent job doing something that makes me happy. I have my friends and family back. I have let people inside and see the real me. I don't lie anymore (well sometimes). I have a real feeling of confidence that is backed up with truth this time. Yes i still pay for sex. I tried a relationship again but i just couldn't make it work (baby steps). Oh and yes i am still shit in bed.
So what i really what to say is thank you to the Sp's out there. You provide a service that helps people in ways you could never know. I actually tried to go back and thank that sp, but she had moved on by then. Also thank you folks for letting me finally get this off my chest. Couldn't really tell my friends or family that an sp saved my life. Some people still attach so much stigma to this profession.
TL;DR Was sad. Got laid. Got happy (hurray)
cheers
I'm pretty new to this hobby and site so hello to everyone. I have a story about myself i want to tell but never really could tell to anyone before. I guess a good place to start is the begging, so i'll just get to it.
2 years ago i set out to kill myself. At the time i was 23 years old, 6'3 and just under 500lbs.
I tried to get close to other people. I tried to have sex on two separate occasions that ended so terribly wrong that it put me off sex for years. I hated being laughed at all the time that i changed the way i looked. i grew a goatee got some tattoos, shaved my head. i gave myself this "scary" image that i thought would intimidate people. It worked. People stopped laughing at me. I started acting different around people as well. I would be very loud and say rude things to people so people would think that i'm some kind of asshole.
I never could find my place with other people. I would always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I eventually just shut everyone out by lying. It got so bad that no that knew really knew me. I lied about everything for no reason sometimes. I made little imaginary lives for myself and would try and see what i could tell people before they stopped believing me.
My family thought i was one person and people at work thought i was someone completely different. At one point i had 5 "alter egos" going with five different groups of people. It became a game for me and all the while i kept distancing myself from everyone. I trusted no one. I did all this to try and prevent being hurt. If people laughed at one of my other persona's i could just shrug it off because they wern't laughing at me.
I built up all these walls around me. I felt safe for the first time in years. It was pretty cool. I could be anyone and say anything. I grew this false confidence about myself. People actually started to talk to me. I became the cool one in my circle of friends that i built. No one laughed at me anymore. Instead i was the one telling the jokes. I became popular almost. It felt awesome. I had to take out several lines of credit with a few banks to pay for my new lifestyle. I didn't have a clue
Then it all collapsed. I don't know how it happened but all my lies crumbled around me. Everyone around me was disgusted with me. i lost everyone except my family. Though they didn't really want to see me after what i did to them. I couldn't handle going back to what i was before. the thought of being alone again crippled me.
So i planned out my last week alive. On my list i wanted to actually have sex. So i looked through the Straight to the classifieds and called up a place and made an appointment. When i get there i was allowed to choose a girl. I don't remember her name but what i do remember was that she beautiful. So she takes me to another room and tells me to get undressed. I cringed inside. As i undress she looks me up and down. I remember standing there naked waiting for some kind of comment or jib at my appearance. Maybe an insult. Instead she just smiles and leads me to the bed. the sex was not that special. I was pretty shit and i honestly didn't feel very much. But all that didn't matter cause for the entire time she never once smirked or laughed at me.
I was so confused that the next day i call up the place again and go back. Same girl and again i get undressed and nothing. I'm standing there at 500lbs full of stretch marks, acne scars, burns and potched up skin, and she again just smiles and leads me to the bed. I asked her why she isn't disgusted and refuse to see me. This is when she starts to laugh. She tells me that i am cute and naive. The idea of paying for sex at first seemed so seedy and wrong, but afterwards it felt better than anything i experienced before.
To me this was incredible. It felt so good to open yourself up someone and not be shot down. I resolved not kill myself. Instead i chose life.
Fast forward 2 years later. I'v lost 220 lbs, i payed off my debt and i got a decent job doing something that makes me happy. I have my friends and family back. I have let people inside and see the real me. I don't lie anymore (well sometimes). I have a real feeling of confidence that is backed up with truth this time. Yes i still pay for sex. I tried a relationship again but i just couldn't make it work (baby steps). Oh and yes i am still shit in bed.
So what i really what to say is thank you to the Sp's out there. You provide a service that helps people in ways you could never know. I actually tried to go back and thank that sp, but she had moved on by then. Also thank you folks for letting me finally get this off my chest. Couldn't really tell my friends or family that an sp saved my life. Some people still attach so much stigma to this profession.
TL;DR Was sad. Got laid. Got happy (hurray)
cheers
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