A question for the gents...

[xo Heidi Hayes xo]

I am sure there is probably a similar thread or two on this subject, though I have not come across one since I have been active on this board.
A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine - a former SP.
She made her exit from the industry a couple of years ago and has recently found herself in what seems to be a promising, committed relationship.

She was asking my advice as to what point (if ever) in the relationship, she disclose the fact that she used to be a service provider. I had no sound advice for her, except that she should speak up if she felt a personal conviction to do so, and if the matter was continuing to rent a good chunk of real estate in her head.
I also pointed out the fact that she and her partner are both long-time Vancouver 'locals' and that having been a reputable, high-end provider for a number of years, it is highly possible that he may learn of her former vocation at some point anyway.

This kinda got me thinking...
I can't relate to her specific situation, as I have been single for quite a while and don't intend to date in the immediate future. However, even contemplating the possibility of a future relationship led me to wonder - as a current SP in early courtship, when is the best time to drop the proverbial 'bomb'.
Can any fellas weigh-in?
It hardly seems like first or second date material..
At the same time, the longer this detail is conveniently omitted from the conversation - the more apt a guy is to feel betrayed, or offended, IMO.
Or is he?
Anyone?

 

[Equity Market investor]

Hi heidi. Well, in my opinion, one never really knows when the " right" time is. She has to consider a couple of issues . 1) Does she REALLY REALLY need to mention it ? If so, ( a conscious reason ) bring up the topic immediately. If she does hold back and by chance he does find out....major problems with possible major repercussion may occur.. that is a guarantee. The lying / hold back /trust/ honesty essence suddenly vanishes.

2) Trial test. Bring a topic or discussion related to this industy to see his reaction. I.E.... your read or saw a canadian survey or law etc etc. Endless convo from there.

3) if she needs to avoid every senario such as ones I've mentioned. Then there is no timing. Either she tells him now or lock up the skeleton in the closet and hope it never appears .

If she's been retired for a few years.....change her looks, hair style and color etc......good chance nothing will happen.

Me personally, I would prefer to know immediately. That way, not to much is at stake and devastated emotions will be spared.

You'll have endless responses to this regards.

Good luck

 

[ajm31]

Hello Heidi,

Good question. After being in a failed long term relationship because of most poor communication by both parties. After reforming my ways in that regard I believe the sooner the better for both of them. This way they can talk it out. Plus if not it could be a huge elephant in the room if she is thinking about it all the time.

 

[Five-Guns-West]

Having dated an SP for several years, I don't think it matters when because it's not like the "trust violated" is not going to be measured against the person's character that has developed because of these experiences. She is who is she is today because of what she did before, plain and simple. She's probably great in bed compared to civilian girls, and I'll bet it's because she's had a lot of experience in the SP world. She probably understands men better too. That's been my experience.

What does it matter anyways as long as it's in the past. He does deserve to know, but it shouldn't change his mind about her unless he wanted to be with a saint.

 

[xo Heidi Hayes xo]

Great insights guys! Thanks
Though perhaps I should have been more clear in my initial inquiry.
What I was asking specifically (in likening her current situation to my own and the prospect of dating as a current SP, myself - or any other such lady who might find herself in the throes of a budding romance) how one might effectively navigate that situation, so as to be transparent and forthright, yet also be sensitive and mindful - in minimizing the potential harm/hurt done to a prospective partner in the early stages of courtship.

 

[Lady Companion]

I know I'm not a man, but from a psychology background, and as a companion who has shared my profession with everybody in my life that is important to me, I will give my two cents.

I think that honesty is the keystone of any relationship. If you are building on a foundation of lies (or lies via omission), you will never have a real relationship - as it will always be based on a facade. Why would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't love you for all of you? Why would you even want friends in your life that don't love you unconditionally?

With that said, I agree, it is likely not first date material ~ unless it is your preference to make it so.

If a lady is just casually dating, or just looking to have fun, I think she can decide whether or not to share the information. However, I truly believe that as soon as somebody becomes important to you in your life, as soon as you realize a friendship or relationship is going to be long term, and not just a summer fling, you owe it to both of you to disclose anything that could potentially be problematic down the road.

It is much better to know early on that somebody is not OK with your past, than for you to both fall in love, get deeply entrenched, and then have the past creep up and be a deal breaker. If somebody knows before becoming too entangled, they can honestly decide whether it is an issue for them or not.

Our past is our past - but it does shape who we are today. Hiding a part of who you are because of shame, fear or guilt is toxic to your soul.

If somebody can't deal with it, or simply doesn't want the added complication of being with somebody who used to be a companion, that is completely their prerogative. However, they can't make the choice unless they know.

And nobody can ever be or feel loved ~ wholly and unconditionally ~ in a place of fear.

Every single one of us deserves to be loved, accepted and cherished for all that we are - without any judgements.

If you look within, you will often see that the only person really doing the judging is us to ourselves.

It can take tremendous courage to put ALL of yourself out there. To be exposed. To be seen as you are, and not as you wish to be.

However, with this vulnerability comes the greatest of all gifts. CONNECTION. And UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance. The freedom to really feel safe, and to know that you are free to be you.....without the fear of having love revoked at some point.

People will respect you for being honest. People will admire your courage and forthrightness. People value authenticity, and will actually feel much more secure in your relationship with them because they know you aren't hiding things or working with a hidden agenda. Most importantly, the people who love you will then love you for who and what you really are. No illusions. No sugar coating. Not the best version of you....the REAL version of you.

By virtue of letting your light shine, you subconsciously give permission to everybody else to do the same.

Surround yourself with people who support YOU....not matter what......and you will have unshakable relationships and the most meaningful, heart centred, authentic and passionate life you can imagine!

 

[xo Heidi Hayes xo]

Beautiful words.
Thank you for sharing your sentiments so generously.

*Touched by an Angel*

 

[hankmoody]

Wow. I was going to reply but don't think i can top L C.
Well done

 

[Sporting]

Good question. My thoughts are that we live in a society that represses sex. You wonderful women who engage with us horny men one and all, are preforming a most valuable service to men and ergo humanity. You provide us a venue to explore and play, develop confidence and hone and fine tune best practices, as a result, we are men who are powerful around women in a positive way. Then we can be good partners.
In the process I have learned that so much more is possible than I ever imagined. It is liberating.
You should hold your head up high knowing that you have caused men to be well rounded, and as a result will make better citizens, less likely to abuse.
I would think that you women too develop confidence, so can choose a man well, someone who would appreciate getting his socks rocked, and be a good foil for you in that regard.
Just tell him that you did duty as Florence Nightingale or Classy Angel. You built men. They should be happy to have you for your heart, spriit, generosity, and angelic talents.

 

[hornygandalf]

I think Classy Angel has once again shown why that persona is so fitting for her. Very elegantly put. I was a little reluctant to follow that, but will try anyway...
What each of us deserve and should strive for is complete, unconditional love, both given and received; without judgement, fear or any negativity.
And without complete honesty and transparency, then that isn't possible or can only be partially met.

But, the question is what is the appropriate time, and for that there is no single right answer. There should be sufficient time for rapport and connection to have developed.
And it is a step that has a lot of risk attached, but I suspect if there is true respect and connection in the relationship, then the risk may not be as large as imagined. It will be a test of the quality of the other person as to how they respond.

As a man, I'd say not too soon, as you do need to get to know each other reasonably well, but also not too long, as it sounds like there is a possibility that he could find out anyway.
If he reacts negatively, then he is the wrong man, and the sooner that is known, the less hurt there will be. The fact that your friend is retired and out of the business will probably make it easier. This would be more difficult if she was still active. And she needs to give him time to process it and think it through. There might be an initial negative reaction, but she should be patient. Give him time to mull it over and figure out whether it really matters.

 

[luvsdaty]

Trust, it's hard to get and takes a lot of work to keep. Once it's gone, it's damn near impossible to get back. And is never the same once it's given back. Note polite 1st date dinner conversation but it is better brought up sooner than later. Before either has to much of an emotional investment.

 

[steverino]

As I am a fan of Einstein and the idea of thought experiments it seems worthwhile to play out how the situation might unfold. Where this leads to a greater challenge in my view is if it goes beyond the guy in question, specifically to his family and friends. While I could accept a ladies choice to earn her income through escorting prior to being involved with me, I would not be able to introduce my lady friend to my parents, family and friends as a former escort. I am fine with accepting the notion that I am weak of character for being unable to do so but that is just the way it is. So I would probably suggest not disclosing the information.

 

[westwoody]

One retired lady I know has been happily married for 25 years. Another for two years. So it can happen.

Both men knew all about their wives' activities from the start, in fact they met as clients. Maybe that is the key: a client is going to be more open to this than someone who has no first hand experience.

I can think of a retired lady I would be thrilled to marry if I could.

 

[uncleg]

All kinds of good advice, but at the end of the day it's your decision. I think some of the advice comes from a Utopian view of the world....love overcomes all etc, etc......besties are always besties....People tend to change, and not always for the better..........while the guy may be all good with it in the initial stages of the relationship, what happens when something goes south ? People will bring up the "negative" about another person just to make themselves feel better, to try to justify a problem in a relationship......If there is no possibility of the guy finding out, let sleeping dogs lie......if there is a possibility, get it out there and get it dealt with, early.........if the first reaction is, "great Im getting for free what other guys are paying for" run like hell.

 

[badbadboy]

While I normally would state that honesty is the best policy, in this circumstance it comes with numerous caveats. It's not for people with a low self esteem. They need to be able to understand and respect what comes with the territory.

Historically, I have visited a number of SP's who were either in a relationship or separated at one point. The destructive behaviour that always sunk their relationships was when in the heat of an argument, nasty words get said that can not be un said. Dragging out the past is so destructive and yet people will play those cards in a fight and it sinks whatever they had together. I've also met the SP's who have a BF but haven't told them about their work. Those relationships usually come to an abrupt halt once the BF finds out the past.

Some have gone into relationships fully informing their BF / SO what was their work was and they received assurances from their partners were cool with it. Down the road their partners tend to forget that part of the deal.

Now if the question was poised about men here advising their GF or potential SO that they were active pooners; I would be in the camp that keeps shit to myself. I would never advise the number of women I had seen nor the number of dates I have had in the past.

 

[Equity Market investor]

One retired lady I know has been happily married for 25 years. Another for two years. So it can happen.

Both men knew all about their wives' activities from the start, in fact they met as clients. Maybe that is the key: a client is going to be more open to this than someone who has no first hand experience.

I can think of a retired lady I would be thrilled to marry if I could.

Totally agreement with W.W . Relationships should be based on old fashion, simple rules. Trust, honesty, respect, love for one another and communication. The fun blah blah comes after. It takes time to get to know one another. If a couple likes each other and want to pursue a relationship, keep it simple and go for it.

People today put to much restrictions with very high expectations when it comes to dating etc. Thats fine and dandy but, dont be pissed when things go sour, stress, the lying begins, then it ends.

One has to wonder why separations and divorces are skyrocketing

Humans are far from perfection so dont expect a perfect marriage with a perfect person.

That's is the reality of it.

 

[Vitargo]

It's in the past so it shouldn't matter, and she doesn't need to tell him. Kind of a make or beak it situation. If he truly likes her and its in the past then she be ok, depends on if he's a jealous guy. Maybe they'll be out on night and she'll run into a male friend(client or not), so the guy may question HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?. Or the guy introducing her to his friends, but all of them saying "we've met before"(I guess her telling him would be better than this situation; both being locals it has a good chance of happening. OOOH Heidi this could get juicy......as we say TOFTT and report back

 

[vancity_cowboy]

i've heard it's paradise until the first time they get in a 'knock 'em down, drag 'em out' argument, then the guy will bring it up as an attempted insult every time... then the woman is made to feel that her truthfulness has been betrayed... then things go for shit

 

[nickcan]

It's in the past so it shouldn't matter, and she doesn't need to tell him.

It's difficult for SP's to quit this industry same with pooners.
Many have tried but keep coming back, maybe once they hit 50 and business drys up then it's the past.

 

[clu]

Personally, if I were that guy, I'd be offended if she didn't tell me. The absolute worst for me would be finding out from someone else, not because of what she did but because it would show she didn't trust or feel comfortable enough with me, and the longer it remains unsaid the harder it would be to say. What kind of relationship is it if you have to hide a big part of who you are or what led you to this place in life? Is it healthy to be in a relationship with someone who would look down on you if they knew "too much" about you? You end up having to pretend to be someone else to a certain degree. I know someone who decided to hide it and she would overcompensate and sound like she has disdain for the industry. Imagine how that deception snowballs, particularly if the guy might've been open minded.

Given the timely topic of C-36 in the news, there's definitely an easy way to raise the subject and gauge his likely reaction before coming clean.

This isn't advice though because everyone is different. It's just the perspective of one person.