A few evenings ago, my best friend and I made plans to meet at our favourite local steakhouse. The reservations were for 6 p.m. sharp, and as usual I arrived right on time. (I never come prematurely.) However, as the evening wore on, there was no sign of my best friend.
Several hours later, the waitress was placing the last of the chairs on the tabletop. "Looks like you got stood up by your dinner companion." she observed.
I nodded. "But I guess it's only fair. I've made HIM stand up more times than I can count."
Finally--after I'd left several messages on his voice mail--he picked up the phone.
"Where were you?" I demanded. "I've been waiting all night! I've eaten every appetizer in the house--including two of those disgusting Bloomin' Onions."
"I went to Velvet Touch." he informed me.
"You left me hanging while you went to a studio?!?"
"Hey, don't get upset. Remember our agreement." he replied.
He had me on a technicality. Years ago, we'd arrived at an understanding that no matter what plans we may have together, we'd toss them if one of us had the chance to spend some, ahem, quality time with a beautiful woman.
"So who was she?" I demanded to know.
"I went there hoping to see Dallas--" he replied.
"Dallas?!?" I repeated. In my experience, Dallas was always rude, brusque and cold. But my best friend always perked up inexplicably at the very sight of her.
"Hey, I occasionally like it when a woman makes me feel small and inferior." explained my best friend, who in real life was neither. "It's my contribution toward the equality of the sexes. But actually Dallas wasn't there."
"So who'd you stay with?"
"Bree."
"Who's Bree?"
"She's this tall, seductive brunette with a perfect ass and a tattoo on her left breast." he explained.
"Her left, or your left?"
"You're missing the point." my friend frowned. "I think I'm in love!"
I smiled. "She was that good, huh?"
"She was AMAZING!" he gushed. "She was so sweet, so cute and affectionate. She had a twinkle in her eye the whole session."
"Sounds like you've got a new favourite." I suggested.
"Our session was out of this world!" he nodded. "Remember those Slip N Slides from when you were a kid?"
"Every summer." I nodded.
"Now imagine a girl with a really tight body covering her skin with baby oil and using every inch of herself as one."
"Ay caramba!" I exclaimed.
"That's what I said." my best friend recalled. "Among other things."
"When are you seeing her again?" I wondered.
"Next week, I hope."
"Can I tag along?" I inquired hopefully.
"Sorry, man." he replied self-consciously. "Our relationship's still pretty new. I'm not ready for her to meet my friends yet."
I frowned. "But you let her meet the boys, right? That hardly seems fair."
"Oh, they met her." he grinned. "She kissed and nibbled and teased them out of their minds. I'm surprised one of them didn't PROPOSE to her."
"Sounds like this girl's quite a treasure." I observed.
"You've got that right." he beamed.
"I guess I'll have to book my own session."
"You won't regret it." my best friend promised.
The waitress was circling my table.
"I'd better go." I mumbled into the phone. "I think they want to close."
"Put the waitress on the line." he instructed me.
"Why?"
"I'm going to put your tab on my American Express card." my best friend explained.
"Hey, thanks, man." I replied.
"It's the least I can do." he assured me. "Besides, I need the miles."
Several hours later, the waitress was placing the last of the chairs on the tabletop. "Looks like you got stood up by your dinner companion." she observed.
I nodded. "But I guess it's only fair. I've made HIM stand up more times than I can count."
Finally--after I'd left several messages on his voice mail--he picked up the phone.
"Where were you?" I demanded. "I've been waiting all night! I've eaten every appetizer in the house--including two of those disgusting Bloomin' Onions."
"I went to Velvet Touch." he informed me.
"You left me hanging while you went to a studio?!?"
"Hey, don't get upset. Remember our agreement." he replied.
He had me on a technicality. Years ago, we'd arrived at an understanding that no matter what plans we may have together, we'd toss them if one of us had the chance to spend some, ahem, quality time with a beautiful woman.
"So who was she?" I demanded to know.
"I went there hoping to see Dallas--" he replied.
"Dallas?!?" I repeated. In my experience, Dallas was always rude, brusque and cold. But my best friend always perked up inexplicably at the very sight of her.
"Hey, I occasionally like it when a woman makes me feel small and inferior." explained my best friend, who in real life was neither. "It's my contribution toward the equality of the sexes. But actually Dallas wasn't there."
"So who'd you stay with?"
"Bree."
"Who's Bree?"
"She's this tall, seductive brunette with a perfect ass and a tattoo on her left breast." he explained.
"Her left, or your left?"
"You're missing the point." my friend frowned. "I think I'm in love!"
I smiled. "She was that good, huh?"
"She was AMAZING!" he gushed. "She was so sweet, so cute and affectionate. She had a twinkle in her eye the whole session."
"Sounds like you've got a new favourite." I suggested.
"Our session was out of this world!" he nodded. "Remember those Slip N Slides from when you were a kid?"
"Every summer." I nodded.
"Now imagine a girl with a really tight body covering her skin with baby oil and using every inch of herself as one."
"Ay caramba!" I exclaimed.
"That's what I said." my best friend recalled. "Among other things."
"When are you seeing her again?" I wondered.
"Next week, I hope."
"Can I tag along?" I inquired hopefully.
"Sorry, man." he replied self-consciously. "Our relationship's still pretty new. I'm not ready for her to meet my friends yet."
I frowned. "But you let her meet the boys, right? That hardly seems fair."
"Oh, they met her." he grinned. "She kissed and nibbled and teased them out of their minds. I'm surprised one of them didn't PROPOSE to her."
"Sounds like this girl's quite a treasure." I observed.
"You've got that right." he beamed.
"I guess I'll have to book my own session."
"You won't regret it." my best friend promised.
The waitress was circling my table.
"I'd better go." I mumbled into the phone. "I think they want to close."
"Put the waitress on the line." he instructed me.
"Why?"
"I'm going to put your tab on my American Express card." my best friend explained.
"Hey, thanks, man." I replied.
"It's the least I can do." he assured me. "Besides, I need the miles."
