A Irish joke

[snif]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[joho]

Haha! I can't stop laughing. Thanks for sharing!

 

[whoisjohngalt]

Here's another one

Pat: Have you heard about the new bar in town? For five bucks, you get a beer, you get a sandwich and then they take you in the back room and get you laid.

Mike: Wait a second, you mean to tell me that there's a new bar in town where for five bucks, you get a beer, you get a sandwich and then they take you in the back room and get you laid?

Pat: Thats right.

Mike: Have you been there?

Pat: No but me sister has.

 

[Harmony-bc]

Paddy and Mary decide to try 69.
Paddy's never done it before, so Mary said she'd show him.
She tells him to lie down on the floor and squats over him.
As she lowers herself down onto his face, she farts.
Apologizing, she tries again, but farts again.
paddy jumps up, and storms out, yelling, I'll be fucked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them.


hahahahahaha

 

[BS Detector]

I'll throw in my two bits worth.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda...no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

[BS Detector]

Well, OK, another two bits worth

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning mass, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

 

[whoisjohngalt]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

 

[whoisjohngalt]

You butchered that joke!.......guess what I'm saying is it doesn't translate without the accent and it was the Scotsman who said it

As Jerry Seinfeld once said when his fake Irish accent was said to sound Scottish, "we lived right on the border".

 

[Harmony-bc]

A bird was flying south for the winter, but he left it too late
Shivering and frost bitten, he saw a pasture down below, and decided to take a rest
Just as he was zeroing into land a cow took a big s**t,
The frozen bird landed right in the middle of it.
At first he was grossed out, but soon he realized that the s**t was thawing him out.
He started chirping with joy.
A nearby cat heard the noise and came over to investigate and promptly ate him
There are three morals to this story.

1. Not everybody that gets you into s**t is your enemy
2. Not everyone that gets you out of s**t is your friend
and..........
3. If you're in deep s**t, keep your mouth shut.

 

[Harmony-bc]

For you man's men of perb

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.


3. For high blood pressure sufferers . simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

[uncleg]