A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down
Long
He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.
The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."
"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles off on his merry way.
Trying to decide on how to kill some time he comes across an ice cream shop. The sun is relentlessly bearing down on him and an icy cold snack is sounding pretty refreshing right now so he heads on inside.
After grabbing a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream he begins his walk back towards the mechanic. He's enjoying himself munching down on his treat but it's melting and he's kind of making a mess all over himself.
He finally returns to the shop and grabs the mechanic's attention. Catching a whiff of the penguin's presence the mechanic says, "So yeah, I think I figured out the problem." He looks up at the penguin, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin looks down at himself, "Oh, no, it's just ice cream."
A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''
There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up.
"Get up, boy," they said."It's time for your initiation!"
"Initiation! But how bad could it be," he thought to himself. "Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!"
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting.
"Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."
"Oh, no," he thought, "they couldn't possibly want him to..."but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the others were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.
"Oh, great," he thought, "now I've really been had." "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed do that with the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."
