Just writing this down because there is no other place, and no one, I can rant to about this.
I want to put this into words so that I can finally let everything go and quit this hobby.
It has been a little over two years since I started, sometime around October 2023.
I remember being curious about this hobby even back in 2022, but I wasn’t brave enough to try. At the time, I also believed I wasn’t the kind of person who would cross that line, someone who would feel dirty or guilty afterward.
But eventually, I did cross it.
Looking back over these two years, I met many girls through this hobby.
In real life, appearance matters a lot to me, so at first I focused on meeting girls I found attractive. If someone was pretty in my eyes, I would see her again. The service itself wasn’t important at all.
Over time, though, that stopped being satisfying. It wasn’t stimulating anymore.
Some girls felt distant and purely transactional. Others seemed to like me from the first meeting or at least acted that way.
So I started looking for girls who were both attractive and seemed genuinely interested in me. If I felt that connection, real or not, I repeated with them.
There was one who was different.
She wanted to know more about me. She asked for my contact, and we chatted like friends outside of our meetings. She even gave me extra services without charging.
At times, I imagined what it would be like to be her boyfriend, even though I know I could never accept my partner doing this kind of work.
But it was all just a fantasy.
Because of the nature of her job, she didn’t stay in town long. One day, she disappeared without telling me. That was when I took a break for a few months.
When I came back, I realized I was craving the feeling of being liked.
I still appreciated pretty girls, but looks were no longer the priority. Just being attractive wasn’t enough to make me feel anything anymore. I couldn’t even get aroused.
So I returned to seeking girls who liked me or at least pretended to. Real or fake, connections formed as I saw them repeatedly. I even spent time with some of them outside of bookings for non-sex activities.
But in the end, they all left as well.
At least this time, they didn’t disappear suddenly. They told me about their last day before it was posted. Some asked to stay in touch and promised to meet again since we exchanged contacts. Maybe they really were different from last time, but I’ll never know, because I’m physically far away from them now unless I visit where they live.
After repeating this cycle with several girls, I felt empty. I often read over texts with girls and look back.
I finally realized that what I’ve been looking for all along isn’t random sex, but a long-term connection being wanted, being loved.
That’s why I’m quitting. As the first move, I deleted all contacts of the girls I had. Otherwise, it would make me debate whether to try to contact them or not sometime.
I respect those who can manage their emotions and desires while doing this.
Enjoy your time while you can.
I want to put this into words so that I can finally let everything go and quit this hobby.
It has been a little over two years since I started, sometime around October 2023.
I remember being curious about this hobby even back in 2022, but I wasn’t brave enough to try. At the time, I also believed I wasn’t the kind of person who would cross that line, someone who would feel dirty or guilty afterward.
But eventually, I did cross it.
Looking back over these two years, I met many girls through this hobby.
In real life, appearance matters a lot to me, so at first I focused on meeting girls I found attractive. If someone was pretty in my eyes, I would see her again. The service itself wasn’t important at all.
Over time, though, that stopped being satisfying. It wasn’t stimulating anymore.
Some girls felt distant and purely transactional. Others seemed to like me from the first meeting or at least acted that way.
So I started looking for girls who were both attractive and seemed genuinely interested in me. If I felt that connection, real or not, I repeated with them.
There was one who was different.
She wanted to know more about me. She asked for my contact, and we chatted like friends outside of our meetings. She even gave me extra services without charging.
At times, I imagined what it would be like to be her boyfriend, even though I know I could never accept my partner doing this kind of work.
But it was all just a fantasy.
Because of the nature of her job, she didn’t stay in town long. One day, she disappeared without telling me. That was when I took a break for a few months.
When I came back, I realized I was craving the feeling of being liked.
I still appreciated pretty girls, but looks were no longer the priority. Just being attractive wasn’t enough to make me feel anything anymore. I couldn’t even get aroused.
So I returned to seeking girls who liked me or at least pretended to. Real or fake, connections formed as I saw them repeatedly. I even spent time with some of them outside of bookings for non-sex activities.
But in the end, they all left as well.
At least this time, they didn’t disappear suddenly. They told me about their last day before it was posted. Some asked to stay in touch and promised to meet again since we exchanged contacts. Maybe they really were different from last time, but I’ll never know, because I’m physically far away from them now unless I visit where they live.
After repeating this cycle with several girls, I felt empty. I often read over texts with girls and look back.
I finally realized that what I’ve been looking for all along isn’t random sex, but a long-term connection being wanted, being loved.
That’s why I’m quitting. As the first move, I deleted all contacts of the girls I had. Otherwise, it would make me debate whether to try to contact them or not sometime.
I respect those who can manage their emotions and desires while doing this.
Enjoy your time while you can.
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