Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II

[Purrr VertIcal]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning She told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. he was still there.

Mugger

A mugger wearing a mask stopped a very well dressed man, shoved a gun in his face, and demanded, "Give me all your money!"

Indignantly the man replied, "You can't do this to me, Do you know who I am? I am a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "Give me back all of MY money!"

 

[Man Mountain]

Russell Brand in New York stand-up comedy special

I watched the Russell Brand in New York special on the Comedy Network on the weekend and found much of it very, very funny. But the following bit toward the end of the special actually made me laugh harder than I can remember laughing in a long time. In fact, I laughed so hard that I nearly ran out of breath and was worried that I might actually keel over and die laughing like the weasels in "Who Framed Roger Rabbitt?" The bit in question starts at approximately the 2 minute and 30 second mark of the following clip. Enjoy.

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[Purrr VertIcal]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy. I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.' She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more...'

I asked, What do you mean there's more?

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack and both tests came out positive!"

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall of China.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've just given head."

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Octo-mom

This is Tooootally flippin' hilarious.....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxtgLzi-aK0

 

[trackstar]

Is this really the third thread on this same subject? The title is, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II" which would imply that this is a sequel to, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread". Or did you perhaps mean, "Humour Hanging by a Thread, II"? Or, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread"?

Sadly, that is the funniest part of your, "Humour" threads

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Is this really the third thread on this same subject? The title is, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II" which would imply that this is a sequel to, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread". Or did you perhaps mean, "Humour Hanging by a Thread, II"? Or, "Humour Hanging by (another) Thread"?

Sadly, that is the funniest part of your, "Humour" threads

Sadly I must concede, that's clever, logical, and correct.

(Especially coming from you!)

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

A Three-fer

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder.

Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder about him.

Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or something??"

"Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."

"What the hell is that?"

"That's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

---

Victoria, Texas (pop. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.

Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.

Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards.

=======

Did you know that President Obama signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

 

[trackstar]

Sadly I must concede, that's clever, logical, and correct.

(Especially coming from you!)

Few and far in between, but yes, I do have my moments

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Ram Tough

The following pics came across a recent website. Whilst posting them, an update removed the text for the day, that went with the pic.
The verbage says, this is a recent accident in Alberta (see also, the license plate), the driver was apparently too drunk to know the difference, driving away with the disembodied traffic light.

Some images just can't be faked...amazing!

Apparently Dodge Trucks are indeed 'Ram Tough'!

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Happy Spring?

Two gay men decide to have their own baby. They mix their sperm together and have it artificially inseminated into a surrogate mother. When the baby is delivered, they rush to the hospital to see their newborn. A dozen babies are in the nursery ward. Eleven of them crying and screaming while over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. To the delight of the gay fathers, a nurse comes by and points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one of the gay fathers says. "All those unhappy babies, and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his butt."

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Lmao!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen before in my entire career."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

 

[ZeroX]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?'

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well,to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call thems by their last name.'

---
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Michigan State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.'

He replied, 'Michigan State Troopers don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.


---

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear
view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today
is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three
years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were
bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

This You Tube is Awesome!

Not sure how to embed a clickable Video link - Somewhere on Perb someone asked this - please reply here - ThxXx!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaySRpP6QU4&feature=player_embedded

 

[hang5507]

I just read this thread and laughed my ass off, keep it up.

Regards

H

.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

'Wally World'

Banned from Wal-Mart
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares - get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were!

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,

Wal-Mart

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

(*See also, as of this posting, new stuff previous page)