Got kissed by someone new today. Not laid yet, just invited to kiss—but we obviously like each other and made plans for the next date.
I'm already feeling a predictable dilemma, which I guess is one of my life's BIG DECISIONS. Should I go for this relationship that promises affectionate companionship, without giving up my pooning hobby which nicely takes care of a large part of my sexual needs?
The woman I kissed today is warm-hearted, lovely in a mature way, easy to talk to, economically self-supporting and in tune with several of my interests. I don't often find, hardly ever in fact, that women with her qualities are available for a relationship with me. But of course, I also gather her ideas about sexuality fit very much the conservative mould.
Obviously I can't tell her I'm really a sexual renegade, a pooner, a swinger, a compulsive erotic fantasizer who gets off on the kinky, illicit, promiscuous. But who's to say a man's emotional and sexual needs should, or even can, be met by the same person? Just as a woman wouldn't let a man demand that she give up an essential part of her identity—say, her interest in extended shopping sprees for fancy clothes—so I'm not at all inclined to feel guilty about not letting a woman make me give up my identity as a pooner.
I think it's probably a myth that the same person is generally able to meet both one's emotional and sexual needs satisfactorily. My question is, if we can't get our needs for affection and sex met by the same person, what's wrong with trying to meet them separately?
I remember some PERB contributors, admirably decent guys, who withdrew from this hobby when they found a romantic partner. Good for them—but that's not what I'm willing to do. If I gave up pooning I'd quickly make unrealistic demands on both this woman's time and her willingness to have sex. We would also start off with a hefty dose of resentment on my part for the sacrifice I've made, or at least regret for the high opportunity cost. But what I fear most is a compression of my sexuality which levels it down to the rather tame, sporadic desire of a woman like her.
On the other hand, if I continue pooning, I can patiently wait for sex until she's ready, I can let her be as sexually repressed as she may turn out to be, I can even agree to spend most of our time just cuddling or talking or going out. She already told me stories of men who tried to pressure her sexually, and I'm sure she'll be delighted by the utter absence of pressure from me in this regard.
Of course, keeping my love life and sex life largely separate will require a bit of compartmentalizing and keeping things secret—which I'm confident I can do for quite a while and which, under the circumstances, seems by far the best course of action.
I'm already feeling a predictable dilemma, which I guess is one of my life's BIG DECISIONS. Should I go for this relationship that promises affectionate companionship, without giving up my pooning hobby which nicely takes care of a large part of my sexual needs?
The woman I kissed today is warm-hearted, lovely in a mature way, easy to talk to, economically self-supporting and in tune with several of my interests. I don't often find, hardly ever in fact, that women with her qualities are available for a relationship with me. But of course, I also gather her ideas about sexuality fit very much the conservative mould.
Obviously I can't tell her I'm really a sexual renegade, a pooner, a swinger, a compulsive erotic fantasizer who gets off on the kinky, illicit, promiscuous. But who's to say a man's emotional and sexual needs should, or even can, be met by the same person? Just as a woman wouldn't let a man demand that she give up an essential part of her identity—say, her interest in extended shopping sprees for fancy clothes—so I'm not at all inclined to feel guilty about not letting a woman make me give up my identity as a pooner.
I think it's probably a myth that the same person is generally able to meet both one's emotional and sexual needs satisfactorily. My question is, if we can't get our needs for affection and sex met by the same person, what's wrong with trying to meet them separately?
I remember some PERB contributors, admirably decent guys, who withdrew from this hobby when they found a romantic partner. Good for them—but that's not what I'm willing to do. If I gave up pooning I'd quickly make unrealistic demands on both this woman's time and her willingness to have sex. We would also start off with a hefty dose of resentment on my part for the sacrifice I've made, or at least regret for the high opportunity cost. But what I fear most is a compression of my sexuality which levels it down to the rather tame, sporadic desire of a woman like her.
On the other hand, if I continue pooning, I can patiently wait for sex until she's ready, I can let her be as sexually repressed as she may turn out to be, I can even agree to spend most of our time just cuddling or talking or going out. She already told me stories of men who tried to pressure her sexually, and I'm sure she'll be delighted by the utter absence of pressure from me in this regard.
Of course, keeping my love life and sex life largely separate will require a bit of compartmentalizing and keeping things secret—which I'm confident I can do for quite a while and which, under the circumstances, seems by far the best course of action.
