Dating women with huge "issues," and "baggage"...

[Aerts]

What is everyone's thoughts on dating women with big time issues?

I have been dating an alcoholic with serious relationship (among other) issues. I really care about her and we have had some great times, but this girl would go from hot to cold and I had no idea what to expect. For one thing, she couldn't stay sober, she would call me drunk at 1:30 in the morning because we had to "talk about this NOW" and it couldn't wait until she was sober. This happened a couple times. She had racial issues that were hinted at when we tried to talk about her biological family(she is adopted), and kept talking about how her boyfriends were all alcoholics and treated her like shit(...). We (she...) couldn't get past her issues and it ultimately ended things between us, though she said she wants to keep things open in the future, denying any sort of closure that could be gained from it(...).

I have known a lot of women who have had a shady past, especially to do with being sexually abused and being in extremely unhealthy/abusive relationships. I also know more than a few guys who have either gone through these relationships, or are currently in one. Very few seem to have happy endings.

What do you guys think? If you learn certain things about a woman's past, is it enough of a flag to make you get out of the relationship or keep it from getting serious?

 

[chilli]

If you see yourself as a quality person who has a lot to give to the "right" person, then you owe to yourself to keep "looking".

Do you want an easy life with great memories?

Or do you want a "hard" life continuously filled with drama and memories filled with all the crap that comes from drama.

You get exactly what you are prepared to settle for.

imo people who are messed up are only going to mess you up...

 

[visioneast]

What is her "racial issue" ?

Is she a racist?

 

[Aerts]

What is her "racial issue" ?

She was at least part native, and didn't want to discuss anything to do with her ethnic background.

 

[visioneast]

She was at least part native, and didn't want to discuss anything to do with her ethnic background.

Sorry, I misunderstood you. For a minute there I thought you said you were dating an alcoholic Nazi.

It is sad when someone is not comfortable in his/her own skin colour. I hope your girlfriend will someday find peace in herself.

 

[d_Duck55]

Just fucking run. Or just fuck, then run.

You need a stable healthy woman with a good job and work ethic whose worst problem is a fondness for shoe shopping - nothing more dramatic than that.

BTW an alcoholic will die early on you - after drinking all your good wine - and leave you old and lonely.

 

[SexyBoy]

Some girls turn out to be super loyal after you give them enough love.

They have just been really hurt before in the past. She has a low self esteem and if it is the same gf from before that is why she wants rough sex.

Now she wants love and a lot of it. She is extremely needy right now.

These girls do bounce out of their addictions. I have seen it and they end up giving everything they are to someone.

She just wants love. I would take time off and spend a lot of it with her.

It might be worth it. The sex might be boring to you right now. That happens to guys. They need mental attraction. This girl might not be giving you that.

You are also like a elastic band so at one point you must have been feeling this relationship is pretty good. Now the more she calls you and doesn't give you your space the worse it gets?

It is hard to know yourself and what you are going through. She isn't ready to give you a break.

The question is do you give in to what she wants?

Your attraction to her is going to get stronger the more you are apart. However her attraction to you is going to get weaker.

I might be wrong this is just my best guess.

Relationships only last the long haul when you have a good mental attraction. Her addiction is getting in the way of that.

How did this addiction start and how can she change? Love normally is the answer and professional help.

You get her to seek professional help. How you get her to do it is another matter.

 

[Aerts]

She just wants love. I would take time off and spend a lot of it with her.

She broke things off with me! She said she isn't ready to have a relationship yet, and in hindsight I agree...

Some girls turn out to be super loyal after you give them enough love.

I'm not even going to comment on that as a method dealing with an alcoholic.

She has a low self esteem and if it is the same gf from before that is why she wants rough sex.

She wasn't even giving me sex! She would go from hot "I like it rough, I want you to do _____ to me..." to "let's take it slow... I'm not having sex with you" and it was turning into a game. This just seems like a really bad start.

Not always. Having been in a similar situation, she did stay sober, but could not let go of the emotional baggage, and that was after several years of therapy, individual and couple.

I know I'm biased from my experience, I would like to think it would be different for you Aerts, and I guess it is possible, I just know for me, I hope I never make this same mistake twice.

I am convinced enough that there are better options, and that in the future I will be wiser.

 

[Danika]

chilli i agree 100%...

If you see yourself as a quality person who has a lot to give to the "right" person, then you owe to yourself to keep "looking".

Do you want an easy life with great memories?

Or do you want a "hard" life continuously filled with drama and memories filled with all the crap that comes from drama.

You get exactly what you are prepared to settle for.

imo people who are messed up are only going to mess you up...

Aert

I am sad to hear of your girl that doesn't want to change her bad habits before enough is enough...

who knows maybe in a year or two or even three yrs from now she might contact you and tell you how much she misses you. She might have a story to tell of all the hard work she has done to change for the better...

who knows maybe you will be single at that time and appreciate that your love made a difference in her life...and in a perfect fairytale get back together...or just be good friends

best of luck to ya!

 

[myselftheother]

Just fucking run. Or just fuck, then run.

You need a stable healthy woman with a good job and work ethic whose worst problem is a fondness for shoe shopping - nothing more dramatic than that.

BTW an alcoholic will die early on you - after drinking all your good wine - and leave you old and lonely.

To quote the wisdom of Monty Python from the great epic film, " the Holy Grail"....Run away!...Seriously dude, she would have sucked the life out of you, and not the fun way, either. Been there, done that, got the scars...Walk away, close the book on it, whatever cliche works for you.

 

[Bartdude]

You're wasting your time.

If the situations were reversed, the advice would no doubt be "dump him - you don't need that shit."

 

[weinerdog]

I've been there too.

I just got out of a relationship with someone who had been emotionally and verbally abused as a child. I thought I could "rescue" her, like the other poster (above).

I found out the truth about myself/the relationship when I found this site:
www.recovery-man.com

All the things your GF is doing she may not even be aware of, its just how she's wired up, its all patterns she developed to protect herself.

Anyway, the site has information and related links for those going through recovery and I found what I needed when I read the abusive relationship area.

I usually don't post, just lurk, but seeing your post, I had to at least give you the sites I found. Maybe they'll provide something for you. Not telling you what to do, just offering some info.

also check out:
www.isurvive.org

best wishes,

WD

 

[Krustee]

Dude - ride that wave!

Crazee chicks are the BEST!

They got the best pills -

an they are WILD in the sack!


Gimme a schizy Sybil coquetting nymphet type,
a real hapless hypochondriac who's an obsessive compulsive clean freak as
bi-polar as a light switch with suicidal tendencies a mean streak and
can count the number of matchsticks in a box before they hit the floor!

. . I'm a:

 

[SexyBoy]

Man I really don't know then.

Sounds like she doesn't know herself or what she wants.

I think you have the right idea and should distance yourself.

 

[InTheBum]

Lame!

How can you guys stand this shit? I would kick this chick to the curb and move on...she sounds so messed up only a bucket of pills and 100k in therapy might slow the bleeding.

How can I be so cold? Simple...there are so many fucked up people, I really don't have the time or patience to bother!