Leading someone on... or not

[AMG-GTR]

It’s probably been discussed on here and it applies to another topic that has also been discussed to death before.

A friend of mine really likes a provider that is ESL and he’s seen a bunch of times. He told her he wants to get to know her more as he could see himself developing feelings. He asked if she was open to getting to know each other outside of work.

She said she was attracted to him as well and wanted to get to know him too. Okay, off to a good start. They exchange contact info and text each other a bit. For a few weeks.

He has seen her a few times booking through her agency and has paid to see her which he’s cool with. He’s not trying to get freebies or play games. When they see each other they get along really well but she gets along with everyone. Haha.

They haven’t had a chance to spend time outside of work as she has a busy schedule. Anyway she suddenly went dark, as in doesn’t message him anymore and he left it at that.

He’s sort of confused what happened. He’s sort of feeling like she lost interest and that she was leading him on.

My thoughts were different. I told him that if she is attracted to you, unless you did something really fucked up, she’s not likely to change her feelings. She’s probably just working crazy hours, plus going to school and then trying to manage her own emotions.

He’s calling it ghosting and he said she was leading him on and playing games. I laughed which probably wasn’t the best move when someone else is serious but I said if it was me, I would assume she’s still cool with me.

I said I would just book her through the agency and play it cool. See if you have a good time in bed and if you’re getting along and things seem to be cool, after you guys finish up, just ask if it’s cool if you can ask her something.

If she says okay, say you wanted to know if she still had feelings for you and if she was still open to spending time outside of work to get to know each other because you were sort of getting a different vibe.

Depending on the vibe I would probably just tell her “Look, I’ll come and visit you either way so there is no pressure but I want to be honest with each other so that we are on the same page”.

I’m really comfortable talking to people so I wouldn’t have any challenges saying this but then he’s saying it’s weird which I disagree with. It’s only weird if a person makes it weird. He’s in his later 20s so maybe it’s his age or experience but would be interested if you guys agree or disagree with me on this.

 

[Asian Fever]

Sounds like it dragged on for a while. maybe she lost interest or even met someone else. It's not good to make assumptions.

Who really knows. If you want my advice, if you like them, ask them out. Don't waste time. Making an appointment with a girl is not dating.. although it can serve to get to know eachother first. if you like eachother move it to the real world, and if the girl is interested she will agree.

Also keep in mind that girls are somewhat expected to give some illusion of fantasy, however they are still normal people who develop feelings. If you like it put a ring on it, don't dottle

Girls get boyfriends and get married all the time. It's so common that it's not even a discussion. Being involved in the sex industry affects that 0% other than many guys not being mature enough to handle it.

Don't assume that girls will retire for you.if they think that is what you want that may remove any chance of a relationship. Most girls will break it off if they think the choice will be a good income and self sufficiency, or dating you as the two options. Guys tend to get some sort of weird saviour complex. The girls most certainly make more money than you do and are doing quite well on their own. If you want to be a boyfriend, that means being supportive.

Lots of guys can handle it, and many can't. With a divorce rate of 50%, I'm not sure much argument can really be made for monogony. If you ask me, a lifetime of multiple partners concented to by your significant other and as many threesomes as you want doesn't seem like that bad of a lifestyle choice.

Maybe I veered slightly off the original topic there lol.

His reaction to feel like she was leading him on just seems like a lack of confidence, which in its self is not attractive to the opposite sex.if she's not into you, suck it up, puff your chest out, and move on. Her loss. Generally when you take this road, the phone rings unexpectedly . Sending desperate messages will have the opposite of the intended effect. Play it cool. It works out or it doesn't

 

[Maybee]

I feel that if they were able to exchange contact information and had a talk for several weeks she must have been comfortable with him to a certain extent. Personally I do not see that she had "lead" him on since they just had conversation over the phone and hadn't actually done anything major to further this relationship. I agree on your point that if she's actually attracted to you, she is not likely to change feelings quickly unless something were to happen but how attracted can she get without a deeper understanding of him outside of work?

Your approach to this situation is how I would also take it, book through the agency and she how she is throughout the session. If conversation allows for the topic then I'll bring it up if not then, I will just take my feelings and move on. I don't necessarily see this as weird either, life happens to all of us and maybe she just needs to focus on other things in life.

If this were to happen to me, yes it would really suck for someone to say they are attracted to me then stop talking to me all together but before beating myself down and feeling bad, I would stop making assumptions and visit her to confirm. If her feelings had changed or lost interest, I would respect that and just move on or if she had an explanation to her actions that would be something he would need to face.

 

[AMG-GTR]

I know AF has been down this road before and it worked out.

I tend to assume the best and go for it mentality because there really isn’t anything to lose other than self delusion. I’ve had it work and not work. To be fair, when it didn’t work, I did feel like I was a bit blind-sided and led on but I also knew there was at least 2 other guys gaming hard. It felt like I was on an X rated version of the bachelor lol.

To AF - the saviour complex is a common one and from what I’ve been able to tell, the woman absolutely hate it. This guy might make around the same money as this girl (just ballpark guess) but he is not the type to be a babysitter.

This guy isn’t going to marry her right now. Maybe after they’re in a normal relationship for a while and they both love each other but no way he’s going to do the put a ring on it to get her citizenship card haha.

She’s not independent and works a lot so I think her free time is limited. Aside from that, the language barrier may be difficult. I speak Mandarin, but as a second language with my dads side of the family. When I was trying to connect it took a lot of energy as explaining feelings and expressing emotions is not exactly easily translated. This guy knows sweet fuck all for Chinese so Google translate can kill the mood.

If she has a connection then I would think just visit her, make her feel good, and then set a time to hang out when she has a day off, probably on her period or whatever.

 

[ExpCharlee]

"she said she was interested and then lost interest! she led me on!"
wow, lol, women don't owe you anything. we don't owe you communication, we don't owe you an explanation. tell your friend to move on.

 

[DangerousDan]

The medium is the message. Don't overthink it. Don't look for explanations because it's a pointless exercise.

If it becomes a trend with him (e.g. this happens 5 times in a row), then it's worthy of thought to figure out what's going wrong. He shouldn't spend more than 5 minutes of his time thinking about it. Next.

 

[cruefan]

She probably just found someone better looking to talk to for free or has much better things to do with her spare time.

He should try not to catch feelings when it is a paid arrangement.

 

[burntcard]

as an outside observer without the exact fact and order of events, can’t really defend either parties.

My first reaction is, wow what a total b****.
But if you think about it, sorry to sound harsh to your friend. But as pointed out by @CharleeBeckett, she (the sp your friend likes) doesn’t really have any obligation to your friend.
I get the feeling of your friend (been in similar situation, not with sp though). Just wracking your brain and making sense of a situation you can’t explain.

Best is to sit down with the friend and reason it out. What made him have feelings for this SP. other then transaction, what benefit did either party receive? How well during this time did your friend get to understanding the SP? You mention SP was ESL, perhaps there is a cultural disconnect between North American courting behavior& communication style.
Don’t speculate or think of scenarios that might explain the situation.... just leads you down a rabbit hole of “what if”
In the end it’s to help your friend come to acceptance of what happened.

 

[ExpCharlee]

as an outside observer without the exact fact and order of events, can’t really defend either parties.

My first reaction is, wow what a total b****.
But if you think about it, sorry to sound harsh to your friend. But as pointed out by @CharleeBeckett, she (the sp your friend likes) doesn’t really have any obligation to your friend.
I get the feeling of your friend (been in similar situation, not with sp though). Just wracking your brain and making sense of a situation you can’t explain.

Best is to sit down with the friend and reason it out. What made him have feelings for this SP. other then transaction, what benefit did either party receive? How well during this time did your friend get to understanding the SP? You mention SP was ESL, perhaps there is a cultural disconnect between North American courting behavior& communication style.
Don’t speculate or think of scenarios that might explain the situation.... just leads you down a rabbit hole of “what if”
In the end it’s to help your friend come to acceptance of what happened.

yeah like at the end of the day, if she's not interested anymore, what's the point in obsessing over why? find someone new.

 

[Asian Fever]

My first reaction is, wow what a total b****.

I don't get it. If it's not an SP, and you are just meeting up with random girls on dates... this situation happens all the time. You might take 10 kicks at the can to get a winner, and the ghosting could come from either party. Sure it's nice to get a firm "i'm just not that into you", but its pretty common to not get that these days and have to use your own judgment because the act of not responding is in its self, a clear message to that effect. Being an SP should not really change things.. just my opinion.

 

[OneLuckyGuy]

Why pursue this any longer? it didn't work out. Move on.

 

[CanineCowboy]

She probably just found someone better looking to talk to for free or has much better things to do with her spare time.

He should try not to catch feelings when it is a paid arrangement.

I think 'your friend' could be putting someone who is working in a very uncomfortable position - and it sounds kind of creepy and possibly exploitive.

In reality what you see as just trying to have a personal relationship or trying to 'date', she may see as someone trying to not pay for 'her labour'.

The professional to personal relationship needs to be like Bumble, sex worker initiated, led and without expectation.

 

[Billiam]

I think it's best overall not to use/consider Leolist as a dating site. 30/45/60 minutes, then go home.

 

[g eazy]

Honestly when I read this I kinda cringed. They never even met in person outside of her work. I don't think she was ever interested. Your friend needs to get out of his own mind and have a look at reality. Providers like this give out their texting info often as courtesy. That is hardly "leading him on". The whole post had an massive sense of entitlement based on how it was described. The fact that they don't even speak the same language tells me the whole thing is built upon some fairy tale in his own head.

Just ask her out, if she's still saying yes because of courtesy it's her own issue not being able to draw boundaries, but the whole thing is insane.

 

[AMG-GTR]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I’m not going to dig into him too hard since he’s an alright guy. I think he came to me knowing I went down that road before and wanted some input from experience versus conjecture.

Emotions are a strange thing sometimes. They can be amazing and traumatic depending on how the person manages themselves.

As I mentioned above, I’m a straight shooter. My time per hour is worth a fuck load and for others, it’s still the most finite and valuable resource we all have.

If I like someone, I’ll tell them and ask them out and if they like me, let’s see where it goes. If they think I’m an idiot, tell me to fuck off immediately so I can save us both a lot of wasted time.

There is obviously an art to navigating these situations but I still think he should kindly ask if she’s interested in a non-threatening and chill way. I totally get that asking that question could come off as kind and sincere or creepy depending on the person. I can see why some of you would say for him to just call it quits early on.

For the record, I don’t think this woman is being a bitch or leading him on at this point.

 

[ExpCharlee]

He doesn’t sound like an alright guy to me lol

 

[AMG-GTR]

He doesn’t sound like an alright guy to me lol

Always appreciate a woman’s intuition haha. Why is that?

 

[ExpCharlee]

Always appreciate a woman’s intuition haha. Why is that?

Sounds like an entitled boundary pusher

 

[m_clock]

yeah like at the end of the day, if she's not interested anymore, what's the point in obsessing over why? find someone new.

Thank you having the most common sense here. And for making your point quickly

 

[maniacalone]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I’m not going to dig into him too hard since he’s an alright guy. I think he came to me knowing I went down that road before and wanted some input from experience versus conjecture.

Emotions are a strange thing sometimes. They can be amazing and traumatic depending on how the person manages themselves.

As I mentioned above, I’m a straight shooter. My time per hour is worth a fuck load and for others, it’s still the most finite and valuable resource we all have.

If I like someone, I’ll tell them and ask them out and if they like me, let’s see where it goes. If they think I’m an idiot, tell me to fuck off immediately so I can save us both a lot of wasted time.

There is obviously an art to navigating these situations but I still think he should kindly ask if she’s interested in a non-threatening and chill way. I totally get that asking that question could come off as kind and sincere or creepy depending on the person. I can see why some of you would say for him to just call it quits early on.

For the record, I don’t think this woman is being a bitch or leading him on at this point.

Is it possible she gave him her number and humored him with texts to have him return for more paid sessions?