Hmmm, this made me think, not sure where I stand. I am old fashioned, or maybe just...old. I don't think I would bother, over a twenty pound package, but bigger, maybe. Lately, I was called out for holding a door, for a lady. She asked me if I thought she was incapable. Not the point, but I didn't bother arguing. Is being a gentleman (in public) now a sexism issue? Has it always been? I would, sincerely, like to know.
My upbringing was strict, in regards to etiquette and genteel manners. I am not sure, I could change, or even if I want to.
Yeah, that's something that I struggle with too--are we devolving and forgetting our manners or is it a good thing that these things are shifting in a time when we're reexamining outdated ideas of what a man should and what a woman should (see the list of "don't walk alone at night" and the outcry of
"maybe don't attack a woman just because she's alone, hey?!"
Personally, I've been trying to decouple manners from their gendered leanings and do it that way. Instead of "always offer a woman your seat on the bus" I do a little mental math and recalculate. The idea that the woman gets the seat is because she needs it, she's a lady, manners is about consideration for vulnerable people and cohesion in society. So instead of "offer seats to women" I've updated mine to "does this person need the seat more than I do?" Elderly people, people carrying heavy loads, pregnant women, people with children, yada yada. As an able-bodied adult, I know that if I'm on a bus and the seats start to fill up, I should be the person standing, even though that goes against the "the lady gets the seat" older iteration. And when I had broken my ribs or my wrist, or if I were coming back from a graveyard shift and clearly wiped, I'd appreciate when people would see my gnarled, haggard ass and let me sit down. However, when I'm in my city boots, my pants, some appropriate rain gear and happily standing on the bus and some middle-aged white guy sees "little girl needs the seat! Protect the little girl!" that's offensive. I'm fine, and the offer reminds me that no matter how capable I am, I'll still be seen as less-than or in need of some guy's grace.
I think the woman getting ticked at the door being held is a tough one. I hold doors constantly. I know I'm faster than most people and I'll probably still get to wherever I'm going at about the same rate, it doesn't cost me anything, and it makes William Shatner proud. I think it's problematic when some man, following his training from his mother, always holds the door for the lady, even if that's inconvenient for both parties. The double-doors at a restaurant? Don't hold the first one and then refuse to let me grab for you the second one. The awkward
"no, no, no, a lady mustn't! Please I insist!" run from one door to squeeze past me and grab the second one starts to look ridiculous. Holding a door ten seconds before I arrive at the building and standing there like a puppy waiting for the "GOOD BOY!!" for having held a door isn't helping anyone.
Also... too often some men, hashtag not all men, will do this really charming thing about holding the door to check out her tits and then following behind to check out her ass and the "thanks"/"of course, miss, I didn't catch your name, do you eat or drink or would you like a quick touch of my forearm?" as a way of thinking,
well, I did her the favour and it's just good manners and she seems nice so I should maybe chat her up while we're here... We're not dumb, we're fluent in heh heh tiddies heh motives and sometimes, after being reminded all day that you can't, I'm just trying to be nice, you don't have to be such a cunt about it,... she snapped. I'm sorry for you and for her, but I completely understand why she did that.
This was a good question. Thank you.
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