Thoughts on hobbyists in relationships & marriages?

[Addison Cortez]

I like where this page 7 has gone! Lots of good info.

For me it's summed up by seeing a lovely lady who is "no holds barred" passionate. After many years of the exact opposite from a person who professed at the altar "to have and to hold". And the same person turned around and used withholding of affection [link] as a weapon to gain control in the relationship. Seeing the ladies has completely turned things around. I don't call it cheating, I call it therapy. We all desire and deserve empathetic love/sex. And not to have desire turned around against us.

Amazing what has happened since I finally turned around and decided to take back control over myself by seeing Sensual Practitioners. And turn my health around and get fit and get out partying with friends and planning getaways. Lately the ex-SO has said "why are you suddenly taking fitness seriously and planning your own vacations and stuff?". Lol. My secret is safe with the people here on perb.

good for you!! I like that term Sensual Practitioner!! I'm going to use that

Unreal she said that to you so outright, she may have well said "how did you survive my emotional abuse"

 

[BIGOZZIE]

I don't think it's fair to single out the Catholic Church. I went to Catholic school and was never touched inappropriately yet my stepdad has many mental and physical scars from residential schools... molestation has nothing to do with abstaining and everything to do with a lack of control of a predatory nature.[/QUOTE

I went to a residential school on the prairies and never heard of anything bad happening and believe me we would all have known. In some ways the happiest time of my life, the nuns were like mothers to us.

 

[whistlerboi]

good for you!! I like that term Sensual Practitioner!! I'm going to use that

It's perfect right? It makes way more sense than the original term. The original term is so bland and non-specific.

Unreal she said that to you so outright, she may have well said "how did you survive my emotional abuse"

No kidding, exactly. Emotional abusers are often self-centered and narcissistic. Like 7of9 has said, life is too short.

 

[Mr Quim]

A very interesting thread. I'm happily married and have an active sex life. I got into this a couple of years ago when I became intrigued by the idea of a prostate massage. Having tried that with two different SPs, it does nothing for me. Some guys are like that. I don't do full service and never will, however I've met some charming ladies and given myself an occasional treat of massage, tantric and release. My wife goes out of town two or three times a year and that's my chance. So is this cheating? Well, if I'm naked and a naked female other than my spouse is sliding on top of me, how could it not be? But - oh my - the pleasure! And on a completely separate thought: we all know of politicians who happily sell their soul. Why do they look down on women who sell their bodies but maintain their integrity?

That's an interesting perspective .

Cheers

 

[wwb]

Your only gone an hour or two so no problem
Is enough $ in our account so not so frequent dalliances are no problem
no burner phone but am very private with my phone
i love my wife - menopause has resulted in no interest situation
tell SP that I'm married all the time - 100% honesty
no need to remove band
No guilt but do keep it secret to everyone

"I'm curious about how Married/Committed pooners do their thing in this hobby. I'm sure some may be in an open relationship/marriage, while others are doing it in secret.
I'm particularly curious about those who do it in secret.

When you go out to partake in the hobby, what are some excuses you tell your spouse for being out longer?
How do you reconcile certain details like why there's $400 less in your shared bank account for example?
Do you keep a burner phone?
What would you tell your S/O if she found the burner phone?
Why are you still married while partaking in this hobby?
Do you ever tell SP's about your marriage/relationship?
Do you wear or remove your wedding band each time you go for a session?
For those who love their S/O, do you ever feel regret or guilt?

No judgement, I'm really just curious. I am seeing someone these last few weeks, and went on a session a couple of weeks ago and in some ways feeling like I may need to take a break from this hobby."

 

[SkinnyJohn]

If every attached pooner decided to remain faithful, the escort industry would collapse. Single people must remain thankful for the cheaters. No cheaters, no escorts.

 

[nightswhisper]

Never cheated whilst in a relationship.

Indulge myself physically whilst out of a relationship, and indulge myself emotionally whilst in a relationship. Most of my partners are great in the bedroom to begin with, which makes the whole thing way better.

 

[ddcanz]

If every attached pooner decided to remain faithful, the escort industry would collapse. Single people must remain thankful for the cheaters. No cheaters, no escorts.

Give the man a Chicken Dinner!

 

[Andrew69913]

Ok so you tell the sp's you're married, but you don't tell your wife you're seeing sp's. Something just doesn't seem right about this. I don't have a problem with open marriages, as long as there is openness and honesty. There are so many justifications mentioned here for why it is ok to cheat on your wife and they are ALL, without exception complete bullshit lol. Seeing an sp is considered cheating by most women that I know. You can tell yourself whatever you like...even stuff like "there would be no sp's if men didn't cheat" or "my wife hit menopause so it's ok that I fuck around now"...."my wife had cancer and I think she deserves to have me cheat on her now"(this was the winner in my book). How about you consider if what you are doing is going to hurt your wife and probably going to hurt your relationship if she finds out? Yes more than likely. Did you promise your wife you would remain faithful....yeah...you did. Saying sex and relationships aren't connected either is about the dumbest thing I've EVER heard. Take responsibility for your actions at least, and admit that if your wives found out it would hurt them tremendously. I don't get why you would choose to do that to someone. Be an adult, be honest, take responsibility for your feelings and actions and how they effect others because all I'm hearing is "I see sp's because I WANT to" and I don't care who I hurt. Oh wait....sex is on the bottom of a triangle that some psychologist (not a science btw) pulled out of his ass...that means it's not important and I can sleep around and crush my wife's soul instead if being a decent person and doing the right thing. The only reason I can see that a couple would remain married in such a relationship is because they are too scared to be alone again. So called "men" are too worried who's gonna do their laundry and cook their dinner while they are out fucking.

 

[clu]

Andrew69913: hopefully people don't marry for sex, so presumably they don't necessarily divorce for it (or lack thereof) either. Assuming also that they are in it for the cooking and laundry services is equally insulting.

There are people here posting that they believe their wife wouldn't want to know, basically a "don't ask don't tell" situation. Not officially an open marriage, but an unspoken understanding resulting from knowing each other well enough and there being enough value beyond sex (surprise) to make the relationship and marriage viable and welcome all the same.

In a couple different cases I've had women who were in relationships tell me that they'd prefer their SO see an SP than have an affair, because they too recognise there's a distinction between sex and a broader relationship.

Your one size fits all approach doesn't serve.

 

[Andrew69913]

Andrew69913: hopefully people don't marry for sex, so presumably they don't necessarily divorce for it (or lack thereof) either. Assuming also that they are in it for the cooking and laundry services is equally insulting.

There are people here posting that they believe their wife wouldn't want to know, basically a "don't ask don't tell" situation. Not officially an open marriage, but an unspoken understanding resulting from knowing each other well enough and there being enough value beyond sex (surprise) to make the relationship and marriage viable and welcome all the same.

In a couple different cases I've had women who were in relationships tell me that they'd prefer their SO see an SP than have an affair, because they too recognise there's a distinction between sex and a broader relationship.

Your one size fits all approach doesn't serve.

Of course it doesn't serve a married person who is going to cheat whether it's with an sp or someone else rofl...get real buddy. There is no such thing as an unspoken understanding...that is something people tell themselves when they try to assume or project what they think or want the other person to think or feel. IT"S NOT REAL!!! It's just your brain fooling you into doing what you want to do. I don't think presenting an ultimatum type question like "sp or affair?" would really give an accurate depiction of what everyday women think. That's like asking which finger you want someone to cut off. You're going to lose a finger either way...so which one? That's not normal my friend. My thoughts here aren't really about the cheater....whether it's a man, woman, or anywhere in between, it's about the person being cheated ON!

 

[Stamkos]

Ok so you tell the sp's you're married, but you don't tell your wife you're seeing sp's. Something just doesn't seem right about this. I don't have a problem with open marriages, as long as there is openness and honesty. There are so many justifications mentioned here for why it is ok to cheat on your wife and they are ALL, without exception complete bullshit lol. Seeing an sp is considered cheating by most women that I know. You can tell yourself whatever you like...even stuff like "there would be no sp's if men didn't cheat" or "my wife hit menopause so it's ok that I fuck around now"...."my wife had cancer and I think she deserves to have me cheat on her now"(this was the winner in my book). How about you consider if what you are doing is going to hurt your wife and probably going to hurt your relationship if she finds out? Yes more than likely. Did you promise your wife you would remain faithful....yeah...you did. Saying sex and relationships aren't connected either is about the dumbest thing I've EVER heard. Take responsibility for your actions at least, and admit that if your wives found out it would hurt them tremendously. I don't get why you would choose to do that to someone. Be an adult, be honest, take responsibility for your feelings and actions and how they effect others because all I'm hearing is "I see sp's because I WANT to" and I don't care who I hurt. Oh wait....sex is on the bottom of a triangle that some psychologist (not a science btw) pulled out of his ass...that means it's not important and I can sleep around and crush my wife's soul instead if being a decent person and doing the right thing. The only reason I can see that a couple would remain married in such a relationship is because they are too scared to be alone again. So called "men" are too worried who's gonna do their laundry and cook their dinner while they are out fucking.

Wow, must be so difficult being such a Saint amongst so many sinners?!?
Alright, they are all cheaters and should be ashamed of themselves.
Now, get down from your pulpit, get over it and move along....

 

[clu]

Of course it doesn't serve a married person who is going to cheat whether it's with an sp or someone else rofl...get real buddy. There is no such thing as an unspoken understanding...that is something people tell themselves when they try to assume or project what they think or want the other person to think or feel. IT"S NOT REAL!!! It's just your brain fooling you into doing what you want to do. I don't think presenting an ultimatum type question like "sp or affair?" would really give an accurate depiction of what everyday women think. That's like asking which finger you want someone to cut off. You're going to lose a finger either way...so which one? That's not normal my friend. My thoughts here aren't really about the cheater....whether it's a man, woman, or anywhere in between, it's about the person being cheated ON!

Don't twist my words. "Doesn't serve" as in doesn't serve as a just and global condemnation. As in it's misguided, simplistic, and naive.

You're making a lot of assumptions.

For example I didn't ask these women which they would prefer in your hypothetical ultimatum. They volunteered this information to me saying that they essentially thought SPs were maligned and "provided a service" by filling a gap without treading on the broader relationship. It came up in the context of prostitution being in the news about whether it should be legal or not and they said this impromptu.

Also I have seen many examples of unspoken understandings in family, relationships, etc. e.g. the parents who turn a blind eye to what their children are doing or who they are. It comes from knowing the person well enough to know what they would want.

Yeah, there are selfish assholes out there taking advantage of innocent trusting people. But don't generalise and assume you know the mentality and motive of every situation because you might be right about some. (BTW no, I am not speaking from a point of self-interest here.)

 

[badbadboy]

Wow, must be so difficult being such a Saint amongst so many sinners?!?
Alright, they are all cheaters and should be ashamed of themselves.
Now get over it and move along....

Somebody got off at the wrong stop. This stop is for sinners and alternate lifestyles.

Criticizing 90% of the population on this board won't win any awards :nod:

 

[clu]

tl;dr version: Andrew69913, there are women I know that would agree with you and women I know who will not. Since theirs is a first hand account and yours is not, I will take the words of them (both groups) over yours. So it's reasonable to conclude you're over-generalising and your conclusion is not as universal and incontrovertible as you believe. It would be difficult to accept that you know better than they do on the subject. So the answer is: it depends.

 

[Andrew69913]

Wow, must be so difficult being such a Saint amongst so many sinners?!?
Alright, they are all cheaters and should be ashamed of themselves.
Now, get down from your pulpit, get over it and move along....

I'm not the one on the pulpit trying to convince people that cheating is ok, I'm with the vast majority of people who think cheating is wrong, but thanks for finally admitting they are cheaters...damn that was hard. I'm no saint either but that was another attempt at a guilty person trying to assign blame elsewhere. I don't empathize with you at all bro...I just don't. It also seems you are confused about where you are posting. This is a thread specifically talking about this subject...if you haven't yet learned in life to allow others their opinion, then I am certainly not surprised about your attitude towards cheating. You simply have no respect for anyone but yourself...maybe not even that.

 

[johnnydepth]

I noticed a few comments above referring to cheating and escorts. This is a western society point of view. Many people in other countries don't consider escorts as cheating. Cheating would be having a relationship with someone else other than your spouse; not an occasional thing with an escort. Back needs adjustment, you see a chiropractor. Tooth hurts, see a dentist. Case of blue balls, ...