Ladies, how would you tell a new BF what you do or would you?

[Jethro Bodine]

Interesting dilemma.
A local lady whom I am friends with has a new man in her life. She met him completely away from this life.
They've been seeing each other for about a month now and she is falling hard for this guy.
Initially she told him she worked as a sales rep for local company who had laid her off and given her a big severance package. That would explain why she doesn't "go to work" so to speak but can still live a very nice life.
She knows that she can only keep this secret for so long and it is already eating her up that she lied to him.
She can't and won't quit this for him at least right now. A few years ago she quit this for a guy and soon found herself an economic hostage and when it ended she was penniless. She vowed never to let herself become dependant on a man again.
She readily admits she has no formal education or skills that would allow her to enter the regular work force at a salary that would support her current lifestyle so she is not prepared emotionally or financially to leave this profession.
She's afraid to tell him for fear of losing him but can't go on with this charade much longer without feeling bad for lying or risking him finding out on his own.

Any advice would be appreciated.
She knows about PERB but doesn't want to ask herself so she asked me to ask for her.

Cheers

 

[Lo-ki]

That is a very hard question. I can understand why her situation is very delicate since she has had a previous experience and ended up broke.
All I can say is that for me, I always consider myself no 1 in my life. What ever else comes along is considered below me. Because when push comes to shove, I take care of what is needed so I can look after me.

 

[burcs]

I think the posters prior are questioning whether or not she should keep working or not... that decision was already made. The question is how to tell him, and it sounds like she's already made up her mind to eventually tell him.

Might sound stupid, but you may want to consider telling him directly after sex. There really isn't an easy way to go about it. But let it be known that if he decides that he isn't comfortable with it, be confident with your resolve and remind yourself the last time this happened.

Good luck.

 

[clu]

Watch a documentary about escorts or the like, get the conversation going, gauge his reaction? If he seems supportive of it as a choice, drop the hypothetical, "so how would you feel if I were one?"

Or talk about the Women's March that just happened and what they each think constitutes female freedom and empowerment. Go from there.

 

[sdw]

These days she'll be outed the first time he googles her photo, name or phone number. If a person is withholding a secret, the other person can tell and curiosity will have them googling. I just saw a lady who got a long text from her boyfriend. Not a nice text, apparently someone had pointed him at her ad.

Interesting dilemma.
A local lady whom I am friends with has a new man in her life. She met him completely away from this life.
They've been seeing each other for about a month now and she is falling hard for this guy.
Initially she told him she worked as a sales rep for local company who had laid her off and given her a big severance package. That would explain why she doesn't "go to work" so to speak but can still live a very nice life.
She knows that she can only keep this secret for so long and it is already eating her up that she lied to him.
She can't and won't quit this for him at least right now. A few years ago she quit this for a guy and soon found herself an economic hostage and when it ended she was penniless. She vowed never to let herself become dependant on a man again.
She readily admits she has no formal education or skills that would allow her to enter the regular work force at a salary that would support her current lifestyle so she is not prepared emotionally or financially to leave this profession.
She's afraid to tell him for fear of losing him but can't go on with this charade much longer without feeling bad for lying or risking him finding out on his own.

Any advice would be appreciated.
She knows about PERB but doesn't want to ask herself so she asked me to ask for her.

Cheers

 

[summerbreeze]

some choices in life preclude other options

not saying it is impossible but highly improbable given that there will always be a trust issue due to her not being upfront

 

[UhOh]

Better she doesn't get too attached.
The vast majority of men looking for a relationship are not looking to share. That on top of the lies she already told makes this a hard one to salvage.

 

[LalaniElectrica]

It's one month, hopefully they have not yet moved in... sigh...

Is she into this guy, like IN LOVE?? Either way I personally would come clean immediately, especially if they are starting to get serious... idk the guy or if he's going to get really upset or whatever, if she doesn't really know him they can always meet for dinner some where where they arrive and leave in their own vehicles... I think she should sit down and say, listen, I really care about you, before things get too serious I feel the need to be completely honest with you. I'm an escort and an exotic entertainer. I am sorry for not telling you sooner but I felt we were becoming more attached and I'm an honest person and think you should make an informed decision if you wish to continue dating me. I also get it if you are upset about this... or something to that effect...idk, perhaps some of you ladies are more delicate, and maybe that's why I'm single, lol.

It's so liberating to be free and live an honest existence to an extent with a partner if getting serious with them... I don't think she should feel bad about what she does, and if he were to judge her, he's not the right one for her, if this is the lifestyle she wishes to lead and have him be a more permanent part of it. I don't know the type of guy this guy is so it would be hard to say how he will take it. If she does choose to tell him, she will have to be prepared for him to either walk away outright, or to ask her to leave the lifestyle etc... that is the worst that can happen. The best that can happen is he's like ok well just for lying to me, you get to buy me a steak dinner tonight! As he slaps her ass on the way out the door... mmm if he's that kind of guy, he's a keeper! So hopefully they are right for each other and if they are not, it's ok too, they will find the one that fits their ideal... it can be a painful process Trust must be earned~This could go either way.

Good luck Lovely~

 

[Lady Vanessa]

Good morning. I'm, pretty much in agreement with my girl, Lalani on this one. Hearing the relationship is only a month in and assumingly no long lasting emotions are present, or full disclosures about their personal lives...or perhaps just her life have been discussed, so just come clean.
He either accepts her chosen profession, or he doesn't. I am not in a relationship, because I choose not to be. However, I enjoy dating and have no problems with finding men or women to spend time with. I find when it is new people and we are conversing and learning one another, the topic comes up about occupations. Most likely it's too soon to fully let them know exactly what I do and I let them know I am a model and entertainer. Emphasis on model and keeping their focus on that, that they forget entertainer.
Spending time with someone gives the opportunity to learn their personality and views on how they may take the full truth when it's the right time to tell them. If I feel they would judge me or be too taken aback, I will decide to keep them just as a friend or walk away.
If they seem open minded, my right time to tell them is when our casual relationship gets to the point of being sexual. I feel it's wrong to engage in sex without giving them their opportunity to make a conscious decision to continue the relationship with an escort.
With that being said, I have yet to have anyone I have dated or date turn their back on me, because I was honest and they see past my occupation and adore me for me, the laughs and good times we share.
Honesty. It goes a long way.
*I also had to further my experience by saying once the truths have been established and accepted, I make sure when we are together, they feel secure. I leave "work at work" and although there are similarities with my business and personal relationships, I do not speak about it. I have been asked questions because of their natural sense of curiosity, but stress they should never ask questions they cannot handle the answer to or details about the person(s) I see. And that rarely happens. I feel as I am in a win/win time of my life.....for now. My future still remains to be written.

Best of luck to the young Lady!

 

[Warl0ck]

Watch a documentary about escorts or the like, get the conversation going, gauge his reaction? If he seems supportive of it as a choice, drop the hypothetical, "so how would you feel if I were one?"

Or talk about the Women's March that just happened and what they each think constitutes female freedom and empowerment. Go from there.

I agree. I'd use this style of discussion to first gauge how he might react before telling him to see where he stands on the issue. If he was open minded, then I'd bring it up in a private place she felt comfortable in case he wigs out (you don't want a public scene). If he was anything near negative on the topic I'd quietly stop seeing him and find an excuse why. This stops any potential harassment or stalking. If he was OK with it, they need to have a serious discussion about how it will impact their lives down the road (especially his). When I first started dating an SP, I went through many emotions. What happens if a business associate of mine sees us together and knows who she is or worse..is a regular? How do you tell your family? Then there is the conversation that might happen about "limits" at work (like no overnights or travel). Being the SO of an SP/STW can definitely be isolating especially in the early stages. It's not like you can bring it up with your buddies.

As for the lying, I'd have her confront that directly and explain why (only if this goes forward). Lying in a relationship is wrong. BUT. It can be understandable to a degree when dating an escort. She needs to explain she got emotionally attached because she he was a great guy and it happened so quickly she didn't know how to tell him the truth because..that's a tough truth to explain.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

:doh: My apologies. Except for Lady Vanessa and Lalani I thought you all were dudes.
Anyway, thanks to all you LADIES for your opinions on this.
I have also told her similar things but since I'm neither a woman or an SP, I can't really put myself in her shoes.

Cheers

 

[golferjohn]

dropping the 'hey hon, btw I'm a sex worker' during the post-orgasmic euphoria is flat-out unfair. As men, we're fully consumed with the hunt/gather which is usually the first 6 months of a relationship, anything done/said during this phase is 100% okay and forgivable. The time to have discussions of this magnitude are prior to 'sharing the sheets' so to speak...and I'm assuming that dog has already hunted, so best for her to keep this to herself and let nature take it's proverbial course. Chalk this up to 'it was fun while it lasted' category.

 

[clu]

:doh: My apologies. Except for Lady Vanessa and Lalani I thought you all were dudes.
Anyway, thanks to all you LADIES for your opinions on this.
I have also told her similar things but since I'm neither a woman or an SP, I can't really put myself in her shoes.

Cheers

Yeah caught the "ladies" part after posting, but still to be fair at least two of us guys are/have been in a long term relationship with a sex worker so it might give some additional insight. :behindsofa:

Anyway, I'd add that after such a reveal, you'd pretty well need everything on the table after this. No other big secrets (as unlikely as it may be) to spring later.

 

[Warl0ck]

:doh: My apologies. Except for Lady Vanessa and Lalani I thought you all were dudes.
Anyway, thanks to all you LADIES for your opinions on this.
Cheers

Sorry, but if there was ever a time that male input is required is one of those times. I'm assuming this guy is a civilian male who likely has never given thought to the possibility of dating a sex worker. You have to look beyond breaking the news to the guy and think about what happens afterward (assuming he will continue to stay). The male is going to have to make some real adjustments to his world as he acclimatizes himself to the reality of dating a sex worker. I made that journey. It can be tremendously difficult for the male (which is never mentioned in these "should I date an SP threads"). The typical frame of mind is to always look at it from the SP point of view and almost no one looks at it from the 'boyfriend' perspective and what he has to deal with. If he's never been in that realm well it's a whole new world on the way. And if you think life as an SP is isolating, try being the SO of a SP as it's far more isolating. There aren't any support groups for "guys with hooker girlfriends". If he can do it well she needs to be there for him as much (or more) than he needs to be there for her.

 

[asma]

End it without telling him,put ourselves in his shoes its best to be hurt after only one month then to find out while she's his girlfriend and he could hate her for lying then if he pursues the reason why,tell him why then he can make his own decisions on his chosen path,both parties will go thru emotional pain but its for the best and who knows how it can end either way,its too much burden for her to continue this way and hopefully he will respect her more for her thoughtfulness

 

[Warl0ck]

End it without telling him,put ourselves in his shoes its best to be hurt after only one month then to find out while she's his girlfriend and he could hate her for lying then if he pursues the reason why,tell him why then he can make his own decisions on his chosen path,both parties will go thru emotional pain but its for the best and who knows how it can end either way,its too much burden for her to continue this way and hopefully he will respect her more for her thoughtfulness

OK, but consider this. It's likely when she met him she didn't expect anything to come of it, but something has. Now, when you initially meet someone you don't say "Hi, I'm **** and I suck dicks for a living" especially if the emotional/sexual interest happens organically

As I see it, the guy should look at the qualities of the woman versus her job. This woman is clearly a keeper. She's got the moral compass to be HONEST with a potential partner. She also has the ability to support herself and wishes to continue to do so. And she would likely enjoy a healthy sex life with her partner. What's the problem?

 

[johnsmit]

It amazing how many people still ware rose colored glasses.
Men and women seem to have a limited perspective of selfishness , the me generation that very seldoms can see related world in an different way then the one that suits them.
That is seen the most how each looks at they want from their boy friends and girl friends.
Reality we all are individuals, we have our own lives that we lived befor we met someone and all the experiences and baggage that we bring to a new relationship. But this is the person that we now are attracted to.
Being honest about all the aspects of our life and previous life is difficult because we don't want to be rejected or judge, and we never know how open minded others are .They usually are not that open minded.
Here on the board and in this business there is a bit more open mindedness..but not as much as one might think.It all so hard for any of us to be objective when we live a lie on many levels ourselves.

For relationships to last there has to be honesty,it deffinetly is one thing that I all ways see as a requirement in most online dating adds..They want an honest , caring guy.
Like wise I think the guy wants the same. Of course if a guy is not open minded and aware of what the world is really all about ,I think many have a problem accepting womenew in the escort business,especially if it their girl friend.

Few can see it as a job,and in many aspects it not ,no matter what a women tells her self.There are so many variables to what escorts do and their involment with clients it can become a very murky area and relationships.

How many men can understand or accept that.You can only do it by accepting that that is part of the person you love and want a relationship with.
That how I look at it and why I rather have relationships with women that worked or have worked as escort.
I don't judge them or want to be judge for my past .Has to be a two way street of understanding for any relationship bases on that kind of honesty.

 

[clu]

Moreover, telling someone to come clean - after only a month - and risk destroying a relationship prematurely is bad advice ( a priori ....I might feel differently if I knew more about the people or their situation ).

Anecdotally, I know one woman who held off telling the truth because it was early in the relationship and she didn't want to go through the stress unnecessarily, so time went on and on and now after all this time she feels terrified to reveal (or it be discovered) she's held on to this secret so long.

I know someone else who didn't reveal something important about their sexual past until the wedding night and it was a constant source of stress and anger up to the point they divorced.

 

[Damaged]

...almost no one looks at it from the 'boyfriend' perspective and what he has to deal with...

I don't know why but the scenes from the movie "A million ways to die in the west" flashed through my mind of the guy that was planning to marry the hooker.

Back on topic, I agree with those that say better to tell him now than to leave it too long. Feelings on both sides are only likely to grow stronger the longer you wait and that will just lead to more hurt and resentment if he can't handle her occupation.

Myself, even though I've been in this hobby for a long time, I couldn't handle dating a service provider if she was still working. Not saying I would want her to quit. If she had quit and changed professions or it was something she did earlier in her life I could handle that just not her actively working.

 

[Claire Monet]

I completely believe honesty is the best way to go in this situation. If she's actively sexual with him I think he deserves to know of her occupation. Sex work is work, but it's not just a "typical job" that everyone can fully accept. I think if she wants to really make something out of her personal relationship with him then being upfront about her "real job"- soon, like NOW, is paramount.

In my opinion it makes sense to keep my escort life a secret with certain people like my dentist or grocery store clerk. They don't need to know. But relationships rely on trust and if she wants to build something with him then I think she should be honest now.