What to do about people who try to make you feel embarrassed about sex talk?

[tantalizeme]

Ran into a bit of priggishness lately.

I went with 2 acquaintances to a late-night coffee shop, after a social event. Didn't know either of them particularly well.

"Just got back from Asia," I mentioned. "Had a great time in the Philippines."

"That's a far-away place," the woman said. "Why did you go there?"

I'm used to answering, "It's a beautiful archipelago of over 7000 islands—so there's lots of great scenery, beaches, seafood..." But that night I felt tired of putting up a false front.

So I said, "Well...I went there to spice up my sex life. And help out the needy at the same time. To spread the wealth and reap the joy."

The woman didn’t say anything in response, but the guy piped up.

“Why are we talking about this?” he said. “This is making me really uncomfortable."

Wow, I was thinking, another prude trying to shame me for sex talk.
---

Some years ago I made a conscious choice: not to let my sex drive—with all the sweet pleasure it gives me—lapse into disuse with age. Love talking about sex too, not just having it.

In fact, it's one of my resolutions for 2014: be more courageous speaking my truth. It's proving a little harder than I thought.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Fuck the haters, Tant (well, you know what I mean)...often, when we set out to 'be more courageous speaking my truth', we have to prepare ourselves for the fact that the rest of the world didn't just suddenly come on board!

 

[northvan10]

I'm used to answering, "It's a beautiful archipelago of over 7000 islands—so there's lots of great scenery, beaches, seafood..." But that night I felt tired of putting up a false front.

Tant, I was memorizing that line from your response to my question in the wonderful trip diary of yours

Some years ago I made a conscious choice: not to let my sex drive—with all the sweet pleasure it gives me—lapse into disuse with age. Love talking about sex too, not just having it.

In fact, it's one of my resolutions for 2014: be more courageous speaking my truth. It's proving a little harder than I thought.

Thanks for putting that out here! I need to summon some of that courageousness myself too, so your words help nudge me in that direction!!!

 

[1nitestan]

Sex talk isn't something you blurt out among 'acquaintances' whom you barely know regardless of whether you're trying to be more truthful about yourself to others. That's almost like having a case of Tourettes. It's not so much that people may or may not be prudes, but there's a certain time you have to give the avg. person to get to know where you're coming from.

That being said....if the dude was the first one to say he was "uncomfortable" then he's,

1) got some hangups about sex in general, or
2) trying to be that "feminist-friendly" guy to his female friend.....

...neither of which are attractive qualities.

 

[Tugela]

Since you asked, it is not them being prudish, it is you being inappropriate.

 

[hornygandalf]

Its only inappropriate because of social norms. And social norms begin to shift when people like Tant begin to challenge them.
Social norms also vary from place to place. One of the places I lived in Asia, it was normal to talk about the amount of rent one would be paying for ones current accommodation. In another place, I would frequently be asked by female students as one of their first questions, was I married, and close behind (or sometimes first), how old I was.

I've probably said inappropriate things on occasion too... like the occasion I was on Skype with my sister and let it slip I was also receiving a blow-job at the same time... Not sure why I said it, but I did.

 

[OldMagpye]

Naw, they asked and u told y in a gentle kinda way. If someone hadda asked me I'da been blunter. Everyone knows of my whorish ways and fer those who dont wanna hear that kinda talk I just say u dont wanna know.

 

[VanessaofBC]

Since you asked, it is not them being prudish, it is you being inappropriate.

It would be great if society's norms changed and it was even a little bit more appropriate to talk about sex. Thats why I hang out here. So I can talk about sex., Other appropriate places to talk about sex would be a strip club or burlesque show. A Stag is another great place.

edit: I believe he was sticking up for his co-worker as well (unless he is gay)

2) trying to be that "feminist-friendly" guy to his female friend.....

 

[Tugela]

It would be great if society's norms changed and it was even a little bit more appropriate to talk about sex. Thats why I hang out here. So I can talk about sex., Other appropriate places to talk about sex would be a strip club or burlesque show. A Stag is another great place.

edit: I believe he was sticking up for his co-worker as well (unless he is gay)

Well, stop to consider what these people were hearing from their point of view (and not Tants). Opinions here notwithstanding, the average Canadian who hears about people going to places like Thailand and other South East Asian countries on "sex vacations" hear it in the context of guys who go to third world countries like that with lax law enforcement in order to bang little girls with no repercussions. So, that is what they would have been thinking. Of course there is going to be an uncomfortable silence, they would assume that he is implying that, and that is not a conversation they would want to be part of.

 

[yazoo]

I wonder why push?

Is it a Sisyphean attempt to change society?
A hope to find new like-minded friends?
A joy in being disruptive?

I'm not saying it's wrong. Most social change has come due to disruption.

I recently came back from PH too, and delight in sharing with like-minded friends. We're all mongers here. But I would not enjoy deliberately placing myself in a situation where I had to defend myself. I would feel as awkward as my guests. It would be like sharing my atheism at a revival meeting, or spouting on about social justice at a CPC convention.

So I can't imagine that you are enjoy yourself. Pooner evangelism? Just wondering what the motives are?

 

[VanessaofBC]

Well, stop to consider what these people were hearing from their point of view (and not Tants). Opinions here notwithstanding, the average Canadian who hears about people going to places like Thailand and other South East Asian countries on "sex vacations" hear it in the context of guys who go to third world countries like that with lax law enforcement in order to bang little girls with no repercussions. So, that is what they would have been thinking. Of course there is going to be an uncomfortable silence, they would assume that he is implying that, and that is not a conversation they would want to be part of.

It's funny because of course I think of myself as a very open minded person and enjoy participating in a pro sex community that is PERB; however, after reading a line like this:

"Well...I went there to spice up my sex life. And help out the needy at the same time. To spread the wealth and reap the joy."


It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that your efforts were philanthropic because not many others outside your PERB fan club would understand what you mean or why you would want to even discuss it. In public.

Right now people are reading stories about the typhoon and the recovery efforts and since he happened to go over post disaster he is now "spreading the wealth".

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Since you asked, it is not them being prudish, it is you being inappropriate.

This may be true, based on our present societal norms. However, it is Tant's right to speak as he so wishes (this, of course, is the same for all of us). The fallout may be that Tant has less people who choose to be around him, and more controversy when he opens his mouth. I don't know what his reason for making this choice for the New Year is but, with every action, there is a reaction. If he chooses to take this action, it would be particularly naive for him to think that the reaction of others will be one of understanding. But we all still have that right, and no one can take it away from us.

 

[janje]

I am free and open to talk about it. Other than actual partners however, I bet that I can count the number of times it has come up in one hand.
There are so many great topics that are socially normal to talk about, and I don't feel the need to bring sex into the conversation unless that is part of the relationship. Sex however, often seems easier to talk about than politics and religion. At least with sex most people will let you have your own viewpoint, those other topics, sometimes not so much.

 

[VanessaofBC]

I am free and open to talk about it. Other than actual partners however, I bet that I can count the number of times it has come up in one hand.
There are so many great topics that are socially normal to talk about, and I don't feel the need to bring sex into the conversation unless that is part of the relationship. Sex however, often seems easier to talk about than politics and religion. At least with sex most people will let you have your own viewpoint, those other topics, sometimes not so much.

Exactly. Can someone tell me where/when it is okay to talk about your paid sexual encounters?

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Exactly. Can someone tell me where/when it is okay to talk about your paid sexual encounters?

Pretty much nowhere, except here! Exactly! But he can try! :doh:

 

[plumbcrawl]

With something like sex tourism it is kind of similar to religion. It may be ok with you but not everyone is going to share your views. (even within the friendly confines of Perb it it a hot button topic) I would be annoyed if a Jehovah witness or Mormon was bent on pushing me into a conversation about their views. To them it is a perfectly normal way of life, but to me it is stomach turning & disgusting social behavior. It's not a matter of lying or other people being prudes, it is a matter of knowing your views aren't shared by everyone around you...

 

[badbadboy]

Tant

I learned a long time ago that this hobby of ours is for our own pleasure. I did once try to share info about it with a friend in a sexless marriage. He decided to blab to others that I know as a jab at me. Now it's for my own pleasure only and the anonymous members here.

 

[newkind]

Tant

I learned a long time ago that this hobby of ours is for our own pleasure. I did once try to share info about it with a friend in a sexless marriage. He decided to blab to others that I know as a jab at me. Now it's for my own pleasure only and the anonymous members here.

it is kind of screwed up, when you are in a social circle at work with friends how guys will rib a young guy that doesn't get out much if he does hook up with a girl it will be a big deal of "way to go, you got someone to go home with you" etc..... if a guy is single they might say "how long has it been since you got laid", and want details if you say "last week", of course the details being "paid an sp" would totally be looked down on as some kind of failure compared to if the answer was "I picked up some total sleazebag at the bar"... keeping it all secret is the best approach, but if your sex life is entirely with sps the mystery might have people thinking strange conclusions about you, even thinking you might be gay or something unusual

but like you said, being open about a sex life with sp's only generally ends up being used against you somehow too, it is a no win situation either way.... they'd rather you get a lousy girlfriend, marry her and be miserable, and hang out with them and talk about hockey and getting time away from the torture of being with your wife, that would make one normal in their eyes

 

[Oliver Clozov]

Since you asked, it is not them being prudish, it is you being inappropriate.

Since you responded. It's not that you are ignorant it's you being ignorant.

 

[Oliver Clozov]

Ran into a bit of priggishness lately.

I went with 2 acquaintances to a late-night coffee shop, after a social event. Didn't know either of them particularly well.

"Just got back from Asia," I mentioned. "Had a great time in the Philippines."

"That's a far-away place," the woman said. "Why did you go there?"

I'm used to answering, "It's a beautiful archipelago of over 7000 islands—so there's lots of great scenery, beaches, seafood..." But that night I felt tired of putting up a false front.

So I said, "Well...I went there to spice up my sex life. And help out the needy at the same time. To spread the wealth and reap the joy."

The woman didn’t say anything in response, but the guy piped up.

“Why are we talking about this?” he said. “This is making me really uncomfortable."

Wow, I was thinking, another prude trying to shame me for sex talk.
---

Some years ago I made a conscious choice: not to let my sex drive—with all the sweet pleasure it gives me—lapse into disuse with age. Love talking about sex too, not just having it.

In fact, it's one of my resolutions for 2014: be more courageous speaking my truth. It's proving a little harder than I thought.

Interesting to me how open you were and then you were shut down with his comment and made a judgement on his comment. Why not stay in a state of curiousness. Ask a question like "What makes you uncomfortable with what I said?".
How did the rest of the visit go? I just assume it went back to the same old boring topics that we all fake through with acguaintances.