Seriously Confused!!!

[golferwoods]

I know this topic has been raised a few times but not sure if my situation is the same. My "friend" used to work for a very repuatable agency and was well reviewed. She doesn't work there anymore but I am pretty sure she has kept a couple of clients on the side. She doesn't know that I know she worked there. It was just by chance that I found out.

I met her outside of the agency and have known her for years. We were just casual and having sex every so often (which I compensate) and I never really had feelings for her. Throughout our daliances we never discussed her love interests but I am pretty sure she had boyfriends throughout our time together. Again, right now I don't know if she's seeing someone and just fucking me and others on the side. When we first reconnected months ago I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no but I don't know if

I just don't know what to do with our "relationship" or "arrangement". We spend a lot of time together...talk or text everyday...know each other's personal life...hang out with friends....we are almost a couple without having it fully defined as a couple.

Seriously Confused!!!!

 

[PlayfulAlex]

It'll be interesting to see what other members have to say but, to me, this sounds like a simple friends with $$ benefits relationship since, as you say, you still compensate her for sex. And she probably really likes you, the attention you give her, and the companionship you provide.

You're on 'the ladder' because you pay...imho

www.laddertheory.com

 

[Flanders]

I know this topic has been raised a few times but not sure if my situation is the same. My "friend" used to work for a very repuatable agency and was well reviewed. She doesn't work there anymore but I am pretty sure she has kept a couple of clients on the side. She doesn't know that I know she worked there. It was just by chance that I found out.

I met her outside of the agency and have known her for years. We were just casual and having sex every so often (which I compensate) and I never really had feelings for her. Throughout our daliances we never discussed her love interests but I am pretty sure she had boyfriends throughout our time together. Again, right now I don't know if she's seeing someone and just fucking me and others on the side. When we first reconnected months ago I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no but I don't know if

I just don't know what to do with our "relationship" or "arrangement". We spend a lot of time together...talk or text everyday...know each other's personal life...hang out with friends....we are almost a couple without having it fully defined as a couple.

Seriously Confused!!!!

Ask her. Directly, and respectfully. If you never make your intentions clear, you shouldn't be surprised that she hasn't read your mind. The risk? She may not be in to you. But you will never know if you don't ask. A lot of guys get paralyzed by fear of rejection, and end up in frustrating "relationships" like yours. They want more clarity, but never step up and ask for it because they might not get the answer they want. And spend 3 years in the "friend" zone while she fucks 6 other guys. Just make sure when you declare your intentions, you are assertive, but respectful and not pushy/clingy/whiny. Pushy/clingy/whiny is about as attractive to a woman as it is to a man, which is to say, not very...

Your situation is slightly complicated by the fact that you may come across as just wanting what you have for free. Be careful of coming across as a douche. Dont make it about the money...

And if she isn't interested? Move on. Or stay like a loyal puppy. But at least you will be doing it with your eyes wide open...

 

[Pillowtalk]

If she's charging you, she isn't interested in hanging out with you for free.

If she was, she'd already be doing it.

 

[sevenofnine]

in all honesty this hobby is as confusing as hell when it comes to emotions.
you like some one but you have to pay to see her or pay to have sex with her
there is no right or wrong,

i have been with my sp along time, and recently we have even had the talk about love and us her and me
which is not really any ones business how it went, so i will skip it.

but yeah it feels like were a couple, bottom line.

and i guess i would say its natural, i mean were supposed to make friends and care about people it is supposed to happen
i would worry more about some one who has no friends whether there paid for or not then some one who has a paid friend companion that they get together and see each other,

and i guess its up to you whether you want to well continue or bring it to another level for free,
there is no right or wrong answer,
what is wrong is to act in a irresponsible manner and try to hurt some one
i guess the technical term would be a prick about it

life is what it is this is what it is, you can chose no fucking way im not paying her,
or say yeah this works for me for whatever reason.

don't let any one tell you what is right or wrong in this,

 

[golferwoods]

If she's charging you, she isn't interested in hanging out with you for free.

If she was, she'd already be doing it.

I only give her money when we have sex but all the other time that we spend together is totally mutual. She has never asked me for the money but I just feel obligated to give to her cause that's what we always do like a routine and top of that the sex is great like two loving adults....

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I only give her money when we have sex but all the other time that we spend together is totally mutual. She has never asked me for the money but I just feel obligated to give to her cause that's what we always do like a routine and top of that the sex is great like two loving adults....

Well then, another way to test the relationship (since you don't seem to want to come right out and ask her) is to get together, have sex, and don't say anything about paying. Then see what happens, and where things go after that...

 

[Miss*Bijou]

Well then, another way to test the relationship (since you don't seem to want to come right out and ask her) is to get together, have sex, and don't say anything about paying. Then see what happens, and where things go after that...

errrrr.. I don't know about this approach. Personally, I'm not sure that's the best way to do it. It's a tough call knowing how to approach this.

Does the OP want something that is more than casual? I mean, do you want anything different (more) than what you have now (other than to stop paying)? Or do you basically like the way things are but wondering if she would mind if you didn't pay anymore since you've known each other for a long time and you've been let into her personal life? I do have to admit that the lines have been so blurred, they might as well not even exist. It's hard to know because I really can't picture myself being in a situation where someone becomes part of my circle of personal friends yet is still a client who pays when it comes to sex. It seems kind of odd to me, personally. If a person was hanging out with me and my friends, that's because I would have already decided that he was no longer a client. Just seems really odd to me.

Sorry, I guess I'm not much help. lol But I'm not sure about just not paying to see her reaction though.

 

[golferwoods]

MB...that's why it is so confusing. For me I guess I want more and not just about paying her for sex. It bothers me more with the fact that she might have other guys?...or maybe a boyfriend?? She totally hangs out with me and my friends and as I have said that we are like a couple without being a "exclusive" couple....

 

[Miss*Bijou]

She hangs out with your friends? Or you hang out with hers?

Can I ask how old you both are? (age range is fine)

 

[shyboy123]

Golfer don't play games by with-holding money, or by using tactics or tests. In the end you are just playing games or manipulating her. My advice would be to enjoy the relationship for what it is, and not try to turn it into something else. Some arrangements or friendships are fine the way they are - not every relationship needs to "go to the next level"

If you sincerely like her and want to be exclusive let her know casually without putting her On the spot. No games. You have to realize that might ruin a good thing you have going. As per posts above if she gets a vibe you are needy/insecure/clingy/stalker it is over

 

[golferwoods]

She hangs out with your friends? Or you hang out with hers?

Can I ask how old you both are? (age range is fine)

She hangs out with my friends and I have met a couple of hers. She's mid to late 20's and I am late 30's.

 

[Elmore]

This all makes perfect sense...she thinks you did not know she used to be an escort but yet you leave a couple hundred bucks on the nightstand after the boots knockin is done?

 

[golferwoods]

I am partly enquiring about the paying for sex part but more distraught and perplexed as to whether or not she has other guys. I think that bothers me more than the paying part. Even throughtout the years that I have known her and we would meet up she had boyfriends at the time and they obviously didn't know what she was doing but back then I did not get myself emotionally attached to her. I have let that happen and that is the main problem.

 

[Tugela]

I only give her money when we have sex but all the other time that we spend together is totally mutual. She has never asked me for the money but I just feel obligated to give to her cause that's what we always do like a routine and top of that the sex is great like two loving adults....

Just how does that work out...you are cool buddies, but when you have sex.....you pay her???? And she is good with that???

Sorry, does not compute. Not in the normal world anyway.

 

[westcoast555]

I know this topic has been raised a few times but not sure if my situation is the same. My "friend" used to work for a very repuatable agency and was well reviewed. She doesn't work there anymore but I am pretty sure she has kept a couple of clients on the side. She doesn't know that I know she worked there. It was just by chance that I found out.

I met her outside of the agency and have known her for years. We were just casual and having sex every so often (which I compensate) and I never really had feelings for her. Throughout our daliances we never discussed her love interests but I am pretty sure she had boyfriends throughout our time together. Again, right now I don't know if she's seeing someone and just fucking me and others on the side. When we first reconnected months ago I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no but I don't know if

I just don't know what to do with our "relationship" or "arrangement". We spend a lot of time together...talk or text everyday...know each other's personal life...hang out with friends....we are almost a couple without having it fully defined as a couple.

Seriously Confused!!!!

Don't let your ego get involved. You're paying her for sex.. it's nice, you get companionship and intimacy too. You also don't owe her exclusivity - nor she you. I've found it paradoxical but undeniable... injecting money into the sex equation actually keeps the sexual politics and power struggles out of it. Ladies.. back me up on this or tell me I'm full of shit.. but when a woman's 'giving it up to you' even if she enjoys it she's likely to harbour a tiny bit of resentment that you're getting what you want and is she getting what she wants in return? The money neutralizes that. To be sure.. it is a somewhat shallow, mercenary and non-mature relationship that lacks commitment and intimacy.... but if you've been around long enough you might have figured out that those relationships tend to suck! Sure they start out nice but they become stifling, oppressive, and unsustainable. More importantly, they are impossible to terminate without heartbreak and ill will.

Just stick to the way things are... pay her ( think of it as 'helping her out' ) and enjoy her company. Buy her little gifts.. make her feel appreciated.. take her out and enjoy her company. And give her money and fuck her.

You're getting almost everything you want.. but there's always a worm in the apple. Fuck it. Just take it for what it is... doesn't her 'sluttiness' turn you on? The fact that she can engage in sex with a certain detachment and enjoy it and enjoy getting paid for it? Don't be a pussy.. but keep your ego out of it. Your ego is telling you that you're such a great guy she should be lapping your balls for the sheer joy of it. Be Zen.. you have a nice situation. Enjoy it.

Ladies am I an asshole? Or do I speak the truth?
Anybody feel free to comment...

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I am partly enquiring about the paying for sex part but more distraught and perplexed as to whether or not she has other guys. I think that bothers me more than the paying part. Even throughtout the years that I have known her and we would meet up she had boyfriends at the time and they obviously didn't know what she was doing but back then I did not get myself emotionally attached to her. I have let that happen and that is the main problem.

So now that you're finding yourself more 'emotionally attached' than in the past, are you hoping that she'll reciprocate these feelings?

Btw, I wasn't suggesting that you withhold payment to be an asshole or to upset the apple cart. You're the one who didn't want to come right out and have the intimate conversation, ie. ask the tough question(s). The action of not 'leaving something at the bed side" just might tip the scales one way or the other.

As I said earlier, she seems quite comfortable with things, the way they are. You're the one who seems to want to take this to another level, which you'll never know unless you follow Hunka's advice, "Why not just have a conversation about it, like mature adults?"

Most of the time, people don't wanna have "the talk" because they're afraid of what they might find out... which, deep down inside, they already know.

 

[the old maxx50]

So what does she do to make an income .? Work at a regular job? Do you buy her stuff ,, pay for dinner and movies ,,and at the bar . Buy her close and groceries? Or the only time you give her money is when you have sex?.
.
I know talking about the situation with her is th hardest part ..I have had to do it try to do it my self with SP friends i have .. It clears the air , you find out where you stand .. and it is better .. It make's life easier and puts emotions in the right perspective .. If you don't just want to pay her when you have sex , tell her If you want more .. asker to move in with you... And then respect the answer she gives you .

If you want a relationship with her , and she want a relationship with you ,and you don't want her seeing other guys , or working as a n SP ten you better talk about it.

THe part about allwya paying for sex ..if she did not want you to leave money she would just say you don't have to do that and give it back to you .. If she just needs money, she should know as close friend all she would have to do is asked you and it has nothing to do with paying you with sex. Has that ever happened ?.

 

[wilde]

Slip in a few I miss you, I love your (insert body parts or gestures), really enjoy your company type sentences into your dialogue with her and see if you get any hints or response back.

 

[golferwoods]

So what does she do to make an income .? Work at a regular job? Do you buy her stuff ,, pay for dinner and movies ,,and at the bar . Buy her close and groceries? Or the only time you give her money is when you have sex?.
.
I know talking about the situation with her is th hardest part ..I have had to do it try to do it my self with SP friends i have .. It clears the air , you find out where you stand .. and it is better .. It make's life easier and puts emotions in the right perspective .. If you don't just want to pay her when you have sex , tell her If you want more .. asker to move in with you... And then respect the answer she gives you .

If you want a relationship with her , and she want a relationship with you ,and you don't want her seeing other guys , or working as a n SP ten you better talk about it.

THe part about allwya paying for sex ..if she did not want you to leave money she would just say you don't have to do that and give it back to you .. If she just needs money, she should know as close friend all she would have to do is asked you and it has nothing to do with paying you with sex. Has that ever happened ?.

She works a regular job and makes a really good living. She doesn't need the money and when she did work at the agency she was going to school and helped pay school and stuff.She has never asked me for money.