Do your parents opinion matter that much when it comes to personal preference?

[a_shy_guy]

Time and time again, my parents have been hounding me for the last several years to set me up with someone. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life, but I kept it silent so nobody in the family knew about it. Long after the break up, they still don't know about it.

Because of my parents ethnic background and how they grew up, they are rather closed minded thinking I can't find happiness unless its with another chinese girl. They say if I meet and marry anything else, it will end up with a divorce where I lose everything I worked for. They constantly bash the idea of an interracial relationship when it comes to me, but my sisters can do whatever they want(perhaps its cause i'm the only son?). They think they have me all figured out, but its not that I don't want to date an asian girl, I have yet to find one that I find interesting.

As much as I would like to make everybody happy in life, I don't think they are keeping my best interest in place. My sisters tell me that I should be doing whatever makes me happy, but my parents always try and use whatever tactics they can to persuade me otherwise.

Whats your take on this?

 

[a_shy_guy]

One girlfriend in your entire life? Maybe seeing who your folks could set you up with isn't such a bad idea.

The whole family is pretty stubborn, nobody really wants to give in to the other side, which is why I kept telling them I don't want to meet her.

Also i'm only 23. Having 1 girlfriend in all those years is better then a few of my friends that have new ones every other week.

 

[Miss*Bijou]

Now is a good time to lay the groundwork for your family to stop meddling excessively.

I agree with this. Living your life to make other people happy or according to their standards means a life of frustration and unhappiness....and a lot of wasted time + opportunities for you.

 

[Guitarzan]

Perhaps you carrying on the the family line is your duty to your parents, as they see it. They want you to continue the family tree without bringing in DNA from other races, plain and simple. So it comes down to whether you want to make your parents happy or make yourself happy, since it doesn't seem that you can do what's best for you and make them happy.

This is by no means a judgement of you, your family or anything like that.

That's a tough situation, I don't envy you at all.

 

[tyronejames]

I would say keep yourself happy. My parents didn't even come to my wedding. A few years later we started getting dinner invitations. And now that there are grand kids involved they call us often and send presents for them all the time. Once they figured out it was for real they smartened up.

 

[bcneil]

Yeah, unless you require financial assistance from your parents.
You shouldnt be concerned their opinions.
Your parents might not even like a Chinese girlfriend you bring home, then what?

I have also heard if your chinese and really want to mess with your parents, bring a black person home.

 

[Fillup]

When I was 23 I was still more interested in finding someone to have sex with, so my parents weren't going to be much help there. I was interested in finding someone permenant as well but permenetly for sex. Lucky for me that person also evolved into someone more serious.

I think of trying to help my sons but realise that they will do fine on their own. Some cultures prefer to worry about the family honour and image more then they worry about their own child. In my near sighted western world opinion, that is very fucked up.

 

[wilde]

Time and time again, my parents have been hounding me for the last several years to set me up with someone. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life, but I kept it silent so nobody in the family knew about it. Long after the break up, they still don't know about it.

Because of my parents ethnic background and how they grew up, they are rather closed minded thinking I can't find happiness unless its with another chinese girl. They say if I meet and marry anything else, it will end up with a divorce where I lose everything I worked for. They constantly bash the idea of an interracial relationship when it comes to me, but my sisters can do whatever they want(perhaps its cause i'm the only son?). They think they have me all figured out, but its not that I don't want to date an asian girl, I have yet to find one that I find interesting.

As much as I would like to make everybody happy in life, I don't think they are keeping my best interest in place. My sisters tell me that I should be doing whatever makes me happy, but my parents always try and use whatever tactics they can to persuade me otherwise.

Whats your take on this?

I am assuming you are a westernized second generation CBC. In Chinese culture, there is a concept know as 孝順 which basically translate into "filial piety" (it's a Confucian ideal). It is an all encompassing concept that basically bounds the children to do what their parents is expecting from them. This may include respecting their wishes, looking after them, ensuring their well being as well as happiness and so on and so fourth. IMHO, it is the ultimate guilt trip. The only way out is to prove them wrong over time and providing they are very understanding and somewhat westernized. However, with the sky high divorce rate, you will more likely prove them right instead. Failing that, there's always emancipation....

 

[a_shy_guy]

I am assuming you are a westernized second generation CBC. In Chinese culture, there is a concept know as 孝順 which basically translate into "filial piety" (it's a Confucian ideal). It is an all encompassing concept that basically bounds the children to do what their parents is expecting from them. This may include respecting their wishes, looking after them, ensuring their well being as well as happiness and so on and so fourth. IMHO, it is the ultimate guilt trip. The only way out is to prove them wrong over time and providing they are very understanding and somewhat westernized. However, with the sky high divorce rate, you will more likely prove them right instead. Failing that, there's always emancipation....

I think you're pretty much right here. Although my parents are reasonably understanding, they aren't really westernized on any level. Proving them wrong time and time again probably wouldn't do a whole lot since they are pretty stubborn and will wait things out usually. If a divorce happens, the marriage was never meant to last, but who's to say any marriage will ever last anyways?

 

[a_shy_guy]

I don't think that the op's parents necessarily wish to keep the genes chinese-- perhaps it is more about them having a daughter-in-law who understands and respects the chinese culture to the point where their grandkids will be growing up with it, and in turn will understand them and have a closer bond with them. It's always about the grandkids in the long run.

I believe one of the main reasons is communication. My parents(like alot of chinese people) don't speak much english at all. It's hard for me to even talk to them since I forgot most of the language after they booted me out nearly a decade ago. I believe they want someone who they can talk to if anything ever arises and have grand kids they can talk to.

 

[a_shy_guy]

lol, I should have your problems. Your parents will most likely accept whomever you marry as long as the house you live in has a basement suite for your mother when it becomes needed.

lol

I have been told by my sisters that they don't care who I marry, but its something they will never say to my face. Whether they tell me that to make me feel better or not, i'll never know.

Its also pretty hard to take care of anyone in my family if the situation arises especially if none of them like Edmonton. I guess the basements safe for now.

 

[FloridaGuy]

They've sure fucked up your self-confidence. A man would not care. He would live his life and his parents would have to accept whatever he did. I would be curious (well not really) to know about other aspects of your relationship with your folks. Do you get frustrated when they hound you, roll your eyes and act like a child? Are you successful and empowered at work but treated like the baby at home? If you live on your own and are doing well in life, ie don't need your parents for financial support, its time to stop looking at them as your parents and instead view and treat them as fellow adults. Again, a self-fulfilled adult would live his life, love his parents, but not be at all concerned about whether they approve or disapprove of his actions. Talk to them as equals, not as a subordinate. Politely and respectfully, but as a self-fulfilled adult. And ignore their preferences entirely.

 

[wilde]

I have been told by my sisters that they don't care who I marry, but its something they will never say to my face. Whether they tell me that to make me feel better or not, i'll never know.

Tell them you are gay and all of sudden they will be much more accepting of a chick of whatever race ...

 

[maroonedsailor]

LOL - at 23 my mom got a postcard from Singapore after 5 years of nothing at all - I too got the boot for independant thinking at age 16 so I went to sea. My first lover was a 35 year old working girl in Puerto Rico - I don't think my mom would have approved but naturally, I didn't ask. I'm better now (rather than bitter) but there be a lot of water gone past the bow lad and now mom needs me so I left my home in the desert and did the honerable son routine. What I'm trying to say is that no matter what, they are and will remain your parents until they pass on, so get used to it. The only thing that matters is that you make your own decisions and be responsible for them. If you do what others want you to do against your own wishes or judgement you WILL resent it and so pay a heavy price.

 

[maroonedsailor]

Welcome to the brotherhood LOL - my great great grandad was a Syrian Christian who left his son in a Christian Orphanage and rode off to war never to be seen again. The boy was raised by the nuns and became an accountant who married a woman from Morrocco who was very very dark Ok I'm honest there - she looked like a gorilla in a granny dress - I have pictures - they moved to the Dutch East Indies had a son who married a creol girl and my dad was born on a ship going to Belgium. The ship had Dutch registry so he became a Dutch citizen. Meanwhile my mothers family went from Italy to France to Holland where they met during the war to end all wars and I was born in Rotterdam and came to Canada at age 5. So it looks like u n me are a lil mixed up lad ;-)

My father was part Cree, part Scottish; my biological mother is part American Negro, part Arcadian (Empire Loyalist and American Negro) - - In the USA, that makes me Black, in the rest of the world it makes me look "interesting". I can easily pass for Mediterranean. My sisters are darker than me because my mom (the woman that raised me) is almost pure Negro.

California, New Mexico or Arizona? When I was fighting, I used to see a lot of hot women with the Latino / American Negro mix.

 

[the virgin gary]

you can "grow a pair and be a man" but i'd do it without burning any bridges. i was your age in 2009 and i had to move back in with the folks after the patch went to hell. my trade has only started to bounce back now.

 

[storm rider]

To the OP.....grow a pair and live your life on your own terms.....and if it is possible have your parents hook me up with this traditional young asian gal

SR

 

[laurel love]

I grew up up in an Asian neighbourhood and I am also first generation Canadian. I understand your dilemma.

I had to meet my Chinese boyfriend in the alley behind his parents house so they wouldn't see he was dating a German girl. My parents would have been ok with it and actually welcoming, but, they would have 'foreseen' an early end to the relationship. I didn't introduce him to the family either. I didn't want the subliminal awkwardness. Ok, I was a coward

It is true that marrying outside your ethnic roots is challenging. I married a Canadian. First Generation like me, but, more Canadian. We clashed on many points during the marriage because he was non-traditional, meaning, he wanted to be married without the hassle of being married.

The most important things about a relationship, the little points that can disrupt harmony, are:

food-you have to be able to eat most of the same things. It is shitty to sacrifice your ethnic diet forever.

conversation-if you find out down the road that you cannot have an intelligent conversation on things you enjoy talking about then, the relationship becomes mental suicide.

exercise-very pointless to pair up with someone who doesn't enjoy the same level of exercise

religion-in whatever form you want to express it. Like conversation, it is important to be on the same intellectual level whether you are an atheist or a born again.



That is why it is easier to find happiness with someone with a similar family background. Even if you marry a Chinese girl, she may come from a different part of that vast country and have a different outlook and background. China is a very diverse country.

Things run along pretty well in a marriage until the kids come along and then you find the tug of war begins. You may not realize it but you have already been programmed into your families 'way' and when you have kids you suddenly gravitate back to the way your parents did things. This is when the differences in ones upbringing rears the old ugly head.

You could find a white woman who learns Mandarin or Cantonese and blends in. I have met women like this. After a while the family doesn't see the 'whiteness' anymore. The wife becomes more like the family than the husband.

You are very young and you have not experience living with the same person for a very, very long time. If there is no harmony it can slice your happy little soul into ribbons. Divorces are also very destructive and your parents are very accurate in the 'losing everything'. Divorce is the single largest destructive element in ones life!

I hope you find a happy medium somewhere