Would you leave your wife if...

[akcroy]

1] The only time in your 4yr-old marriage that your wife had sex with you was the night that you told her you wanted to break up with her?
2] If she, prior to that night, had never even exhibited the slightest physical interest towards you, no matter how hard you tried and how patient you had been?
3] Plus, if she was very cold towards your parents, and you're their only surviving child?

Further details here.

 

[Ray]

The best answer in our culture may not be the best answer for your culture.

Come right out and ask her why she's not interested in sex with you.
If you're happy with her in every way except sexually, then you're in the right place to take care of that.

 

[PuntMeister]

Economic Theory and Contract Law to the rescue....

You may want to consider explaining that when you made a marriage contract with her, that your Intention in making said marriage contract was a reasonable and good-faith belief that you would be providing her a monopoly on your willy-wonka in exchange for reasonable frequency and quality of her playing with your willy-wonka. Since Supply (in economic terms) has been severely restricted (no Willy, no Wonka), the point of optimum satisfaction has not been reached, and therefore the monopoly is no longer a valid arrangement. It could be argued that the differential portion of supply denied has lead to a corresponding differential demand factor that must be fulfilled with other market forces, should economic conditions not reach self-correction on the supply-side. Heck, it may be easier to simply jump over to some alternative demand/supply curves!

Of course, it has been pointed out that some spouses consider such academic arguments to be insensitive and un-caring regarding personal feelings. But if a relationship is untenable and incorrectable, you might as well have some fun with the awkward conversation.

Actually, don't take this advise. It is a dumb idea. You will almost certainly get better input than this. Sheesh, I sure hope so.

 

[maroonedsailor]

Ray has it wrong. Getting caught seeing an SP when you are married to a woman like that is the last thing you want to do. Hopefully, you don't have children. If you don't have children, pack your stuff and move out. If both of you are working, the divorce won't be all that painful. Especially, it won't be as painful as continuing to live with her.

Once you are divorced, you will have a chance of meeting someone who actually can tolerate you touching her.

Al is 100% right. What you have is a friendship, what you want is a love affair. Love affairs and marriages are usually (but not always) mutually exclusive after 6 months. The problem with marriage is that most folks want to make withdrawals without making necessary deposits. Think on that long and hard and then find a woman who has done the same thing and you might stand a chance.

 

[island-guy]

This is why you test drive a car before you buy it.

Getting married to a girl you have never had sex with is like agreeing to buy a car that you will have as your only car for the rest of your entire life without checking to see if it actually has an engine or not first.

Think about it, who to marry is the single most important decision of your entire life.

Your entire life's financial, emotional, sexual and physical health all will depend on chosing the right person.

And yet, you made the decision without any due diligence?

Seriously?

ps: I know that some cultures are different from others, but it isn't just being politically correct to say that anything that a culture choses to embrace is tolerable, acceptable or not just plain stupid; it is beyond political correectness to the point of being incapable of actual intelligent thought. For example, in some cultures, the raping of 9 year old girls is common and accepted. So does that mean that we have to all be politically correct and embrace raping 9 year olds in the name of multi-culturalism?

 

[Fractals]

Ackroy, if you honestly believe that you've done your best to salvage the marriage then it's time to call it quits. There is no point in making you and her miserable for the next 10, 20 or 30 years. Maybe it's the best time to do it before it gets too complicated.

It was probably a mistake for both of you to marry each other, but both of you are still young and still have a chance for a good life with someone else. If you conscience is bothering you that you are leaving your wife, just think that you are doing it for her, that you are leaving so that she can find the person that will make her happy. You and your wife deserve to be happy, even if it is not as a couple.

 

[bcneil]

I have a couple EI friends than ended up the arranged marriage thing.
And both are average looking guys with great jobs.
Except it seems this tradition in that culture has taken a turn.
The guys here with money or good jobs, are more less looking for the hottest Indian girl they can find, and bring her back.
One buddy brought back the hottest EI lady I have ever seen as his new wife.
It lasted over a year before she wanted to leave. He later told us, he had covered sex with her 1 time during the year, she never kissed him once. They are staying together, cause she hasn't been here long enough yet or something. Sounds like a great time for him.

 

[DDawGG]

Dude

Head for the hills!

I went through something similar 20+ years ago.

Best/most expensive decision of my life.

Run Forsest Run.

DDawGG

 

[akcroy]

First of all, a HUGE thank you to everybody who replied. You have no idea how helpful you have been.

I'll try to answer all the questions posed above here. Start: [updated]

1] Not an arranged marriage, but as is common in our culture, there was no sex before marriage. My culture should grow up.
2] The problem isn't only sexual. We clearly have very different emotional values. I'd say this emotional aspect is the other half of my problem. E.g.,
a] Her absolutely not communicating with anyone from my side unless pushed, even when it's a special occasion or a festival.
b] Only last night I got Indian takeout for dinner. I'm suffering from a bad back pain for a couple of weeks now, and I had made an extra bus transfer to get the food. She didn't touch it because she didn't like the looks of it. My efforts to get the food on the table don't really count. In such cases, she explains that she's "just like that". What bull.
c] She crams up the fridge with food and produce that eventually go bad. This happens all the time, just cleaned up the fridge right now. Doesn't care about facts such as millions of people in the world still starve, feels insulted that I attempt dictate her palate by pointing out these things.
d] Would never even let me touch the remote, saying her job is more stressful and she deserves TV more. This stopped after I threatened to break up with her.
3] We don't have any kids, so I guess I'm not fucked in that dept thankfully.
4] Have tried talking, pretty much done everything I could from my end. Still kept up the "dating" mood and took her out for dinner frequently (decided after last night to cut down).
5] Haven't ever cheated on her. Cheating isn't the solution.
6] I always end up feeling like the only one really compromising - emotionally, sexually.
7] It's not that I didn't realize straight into the marriage that we were having issues. I tried talking to her, was always very patient with her, gave her a lot of space (she asked for it), even proposed seeking couples therapy. All that I got every time was ugly fights. Still, I kept on believing that with time she'd grow up. She didn't.
8] She finally started listening to me when I told her I wanted out. Now that our marriage is dissolving, she's finally interested in communicating with me on our issues... but not interested enough, I feel. I can't reciprocate the interest, don't feel interested/bothered any more. Been let down too many times. Can't really trust her sincerity any more.
9] Somehow we're still really affectionate towards each other. I'm no longer willing to call it love though, maybe bad of me?
10] And yes, unfortunately, my story is true.

Have a great Christmas!

 

[Sir Woodster]

They are staying together, cause she hasn't been here long enough yet or something. Sounds like a great time for him.

Me thinks that Immigration Canada may have an interest in this!

 

[Sir Woodster]

Good Luck to you akcroy...

 

[lenny]

Would you leave your wife if...

1] The only time in your 4yr-old marriage that your wife had sex with you was the night that you told her you wanted to break up with her?

I would not leave her at this point. But everytime i wanted sex with her, about 6 times a day,
i'd put into practice what is stated above ;

 

[akcroy]

Come on lenny, quit kidding.

 

[chilli]

I've always been a very big believer that you set the "tone" and the power dynamics of a relationship from the very beginning.

If you take her "crap" from the start - she will always walk all over you.

You have to let her know who is the boss from the beginning - and if she doesn't like it.

Get rid of her.

We have the money, ultimately we have the power.

The more money you have - the more they will fall in line.

In fact it's amazing how nice a bitch will be to you when she thinks you have money.

 

[bakeshopboy]

Akcroy. I thought you said she is interested in getting professional help. Every person has a different personality and value. What you think is right may not be right for her. Keep an open mind. Does she have a family here? How do you interact with her family? Communication is two-way. Continue the discussion with her like a friend. May be start all over again like first dating her, not just dinner or TV. There are other activities that can enhance a relationship. How about going on a short vacation? I see that you are trying, but may be the approach is wrong. Good luck!

Come back and tell us the outcome in a few weeks after hearing so many ideas.

 

[lenny]

Come on lenny, quit kidding.

Kidding? OK, i admit 6 times a day was a slight exaggeration, it should have been 3 or 4.
This is her punishment for failing on points 1 to 3 for 4 years ; But if she shapes up in
2 & 3, and performs wonderfully in bed, i'd be willing to let her off the hook, i.e. one day
a week she only has to fuck me twice! And i won't even ask her to do the 3 hour BBBJ's
that i get from courtesans of the night. What a nice patient merciful guy i am. Haha.
Putting up with all her BS for years will gain me a special place with virgins hereafter ;

P.S. As part of her chastening you should require her to go to lenny's bedroom weekly.

 

[Tugela]

Hopefully, you don't have children. If you don't have children, pack your stuff and move out. If both of you are working, the divorce won't be all that painful. Especially, it won't be as painful as continuing to live with her.

Could be that I'm wrong, but generally women who don't have sex don't get pregnant.

I have a feeling that there are no children

 

[lenny]

Could be that I'm wrong, but generally women who don't have sex don't get pregnant.

I have a feeling that there are no children

True, however one must note the possibility of a supernatural {e.g. virgin} type of birth, especially at this time of the month.

 

[Tugela]

But seriously, the only reason to get married is to socially "legitimize" a sexual relationship and to provide a contractual relationship around raising children. If there are no children involved and you don't feel any social pressure as a result of an intimate relationship there isn't any point in getting married. Just live together, it makes things a lot simpler.

If one or the other of a couple is not interested in sex to start with and won't do it unless essentially threatened then you should never have gotten married to start with since that is the fundamental thing it is all about. It sounds like the OP is just friends with his "wife", but that alone is insufficient to form the basis for a sound marriage.

 

[nice]

i was recently informed

that denial of sex is reasonable grounds for divorce. sounds like a tough situation for a good guy. good luck.