The minute he steers anyone toward her with the intent of exposing her regardless of how its done or how easily the info is obtained its wrong. Having been on the receiving end of a situation where someone felt completely entitled to pointing the world at me I can assure you that it is out of line when you are the target. I would recommend just saying nothing........it really is a conundrum, its ok to say hey, I met this nice SP who gives great value for money, you should see her but not ok to say I met someone you know who is an SP, you might want to talk to her.
maybe he should just tell his friend about perb and suggest using the search feature on the subject advice, I bet this thread would be the first on the list.
I am in search of some advice from my fellow Perbites
- Thread starter hugedman
- Start date
I fully understand what you are saying and empathize, but I think in this case it can be tempered by intent. I do believe he means well and hopes for a positive outcome instead of setting out to hurt someone. Either way, there are merits to each argument.
I continue to think in terms of would I want to know. I would, but my sensibilities Im sure are not the same as everyones. I would be remorseful and understanding of my own responsibilities to her. I would blame myself and be forced to decide whether to be chivalrous or cowardly. But my friends know they can tell me anything, they also know Im a pooner.
I dont know, its a tough call. But if it is done privately between friends I think there is still a modicum of discretion and not necessarily outing. What if he talked to the woman first? He knows his friend wants to get back with her, ask if its ok to tell him.
oh boy, on second thought maybe it is best to turn a blind eye, these things never turn out good.
I fully understand what you are saying and empathize, but I think in this case it can be tempered by intent. I do believe he means well and hopes for a positive outcome instead of setting out to hurt someone. Either way, there are merits to each argument.
I continue to think in terms of would I want to know. I would, but my sensibilities Im sure are not the same as everyones. I would be remorseful and understanding of my own responsibilities to her. I would blame myself and be forced to decide whether to be chivalrous or cowardly. But my friends know they can tell me anything, they also know Im a pooner.
I dont know, its a tough call. But if it is done privately between friends I think there is still a modicum of discretion and not necessarily outing. What if he talked to the woman first? He knows his friend wants to get back with her, ask if its ok to tell him.
oh boy, on second thought maybe it is best to turn a blind eye, these things never turn out good.
I'd have to disagree with the among friends = not necessarily outing, fwiw. That is, after all, the definition of outing being that if she didn't disclose the fact herself to friends and family, having someone else come along regardless of their intent/motives/etc, it is outing. I am sure there are numerous examples of sps being "helped" by people who found out about them (or knew about them) then exposed their work as an sp to their bf, mom, family, etc. It just would never be the right thing to do, in other words, to take that choice away from her.
Also, her ability to keep her client's business private is threatened when she herself is exposed for doing the work. As the laws stand today, someone knowing what she does, if she works from home, can get her outed to her building manager, evicted, charged, embarrassed, and along the way loss of income as well.
I guess the main thing is yes, we might want to know if our EX-SO was involved in something, but I also think coming from a board like this we can eliminate the stereotypes (illustrated so nicely by FloridaGuy) and assume that she has chosen the work because it suits her, it gives her the freedom and income she needs for a better quality of life (remember she is a single woman, possibly taking care of children) , she is happy doing it, and she has no one to force her to do it and/or force her not to do it. There is no need to assume she is endangering herself or her family by choosing this work, so no need to "save" her by exposing her to an EX-SO, someone who has no place in her life decisions anymore.
well I cant argue with that. Women have a right to independance, hell you got liberation, just dont expect equality any time soon.
I never thought of it as saving anyway, and you have to admit, divorce is still a biggie when it comes to life decisions, he deserves a place in that.
I agree with you, Florida Guy, in spite of what others on this board have written in reply. If you were my friend and knew of something like this (my "beloved" working as an SP) and didn't have the wherewithal to tell me, I'd despise you. All the people advising that you say nothing because it will probably come back on you are just covering their "asses", are cowardly and would not be true friends. If you reveal what you know and your friend does get angry, so what. If you tell him, you've done what you needed to do and showed integrity. As to the SPs who have replied and who have disagreed with your position (with the nice exception of one), this is expected. This board is full of people who deceive themselves, both the SPs and the clients whom they serve. At any rate, I'd want to know if I were your friend. Maybe then I'd even obtain some clarity on this all important matter.
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(1) I was not suggesting "outing" an SP
(2) Even if I am to tell my friend about his wife, I would not do that on Perb. It's completely unrelated to Perb. Perb will have absolutely no involvement in this. I only found out this from CL, not on Perb.
(3) I am only asking advice from members...
I'm sure glad my expectations weren't set too high... insanity wouldn't have been too bad really but unfortunately whatever it is, it's just lame.
That was really an absolute waste of words. Really, insanity would have been a good thing. wow.
Outing her is exactly what you're suggesting. Perb or no Perb, it's irrelevant... outing is outing.
What's your definition of outing if this doesn't fall under it?
You know what, Juniper. I resent that comment. How would you even know?
Seriously, I'd appreciate if comments were limited to personal knowledge and experience instead of uninformed statements about others. I don't know what you're implying we are "deceiving ourselves" about and I fail to see how this is even relevant - except, of course, to you and Floridayguy. The generalizations and blind assumptions are not necessary, so let's just stick to what we know, not what we think we know. Thanks.
Outing her is exactly what you're suggesting. Perb or no Perb, it's irrelevant... outing is outing.
What's your definition of outing if this doesn't fall under it?
You know what, Juniper. I resent that comment. How would you even know?
Seriously, I'd appreciate if comments were limited to personal knowledge and experience instead of uninformed statements about others. I don't know what you're implying we are "deceiving ourselves" about and I fail to see how this is even relevant - except, of course, to you and Floridayguy. The generalizations and blind assumptions are not necessary, so let's just stick to what we know, not what we think we know. Thanks.
You seem to be rather bitter/angry. Arguing and insulting these guys is really not in your best interest.
These guys are all your potential clients..
How did the old saying go? "If you have nothing good to say..."
What she does and what he does and what they may someday do together is completely and totally between them. I'd say put your energy into your own personal development. If you are asked for input tell the truth because lying actually could ruin your friendship just as much as not minding your own business could.
How your friend experiences the current status quo might range from outrage to joy and everything in between. How he might choose to react to you being the bearer of this news could range from a battle brothers heartfelt thanks for having my back to never want to see your face again you rotten prick. It really depends on him, his own level of "enlightenment", his personal knowledge of his ex, the depth of his relationship with you and multiple other contributing factors.
For all you know he is completely aware of her current occupation, has already made his own decisions with regards to that and has chosen to not discuss it with you.
How your friend experiences the current status quo might range from outrage to joy and everything in between. How he might choose to react to you being the bearer of this news could range from a battle brothers heartfelt thanks for having my back to never want to see your face again you rotten prick. It really depends on him, his own level of "enlightenment", his personal knowledge of his ex, the depth of his relationship with you and multiple other contributing factors.
For all you know he is completely aware of her current occupation, has already made his own decisions with regards to that and has chosen to not discuss it with you.
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Good points.
I really appreciated all your time and advice. I am kind of in a tough situation, I will just have to look away in this case.
I understand we all are discussing the offering of advice in this situation, I certainly would not want to cause any arguement between members on this. Again, I really appreciate your input.
Peace
Probably your best option. I have been following and listening to the advice too, I have to admit my opinion has changed. Mostly because I was thinking of the guy and whether he would want to know or not. But bottom line it is entirely up to the woman, whether she wants to get back with her husband or continue her independance, the choice to be an SP in secret or come clean is only hers to make. Whatever you did it would force her hand and ultimately it is nobodys business to dictate her station. As for outing, again looking at it from my perspective, if someone did it to me, even in good faith and the best intentions, it is still something done without permission and no one can predict the outcome.
Thanks, Gomez Adams.., I really appreciate your input...it's very helpful in terms of me making an informed decision to whether telling my friend or not. Even though it is probably best to let my friend know for him to prepare if the divorce is to take place. But, it's not my place to decide that. Thank you all very much for the valuable advice.
Cheers and Happy American Thanksgiving and have a safe driving while you are out pooning today (damned snow...)
then don't say anything?
Great advice, would you like to test it out?
Sorry I wasn't aware I needed to meet your requirements before posting or that disagreeing or responding to belittling and judgmental statements was having "nothing good to say". Does this mean I should only be allowed/tolerated to give my opinion when I have something "good" to say - ie to agree? lol Good one.
I'm not bitter/angry... I'm just opinionated/annoyed with some comments that have been made that are relevant to me and yes, I think my patience is a bit low for the narrow minded and hypocritical bs right now. Please forgive me for that and I'm sure you'll find a way to understand/deal with the inconvenient fact that I'm a person, not a doll, so I do respond when I read something that is offensive to me.
Besides, that kind passion/energy building up usually leads to wicked sex and I'm looking forward to that part. Thankfully there are men who are just fine with girls with big bad opinions.
That is really sensible and fair advice. Thanks, I really appreciate that you tried to view from a different perspective. Thanks.
That's my point exactly. Where is this guy's loyalty? To some "code" of silence among the internet prostitution review board community, or to his FRIEND?
Think how ridiculous you would feel when your friend gets back together with this woman, then later discovers her stint in the sex trade, then discovers that you knew!! It would be the end of your friendship, full stop. Because, you were not a friend to him. Instead you were a friend to some weird code that says one must never reveal the identity of a sex trade worker? This isn't theoretical, its real life, and this guy is your friend. Tell him and let HIM decide whether it matters or not. That call is not yours, and its not anyone on perb's.
I read this thread. Very interesting. My point of view is simple. If you're prepared to tell everyone you know you're on this site, then tell him, otherwise you're being a complete hypocrite.
People are entitled to secrets and to the extent they aren't it's strictly between the two parties affected.
Friend or not, it's really none of your business. For all you know they'll get back together and maybe she'll end up telling him, and if not, as mentioned she has as much of a right to keep this secret as you do to not tell people you're regularly on an escort site. You can't have it both ways.
I also think if you do tell him you should also show him this thread. You want to be honest and forthright, then start with yourself and then expand.
People are entitled to secrets and to the extent they aren't it's strictly between the two parties affected.
Friend or not, it's really none of your business. For all you know they'll get back together and maybe she'll end up telling him, and if not, as mentioned she has as much of a right to keep this secret as you do to not tell people you're regularly on an escort site. You can't have it both ways.
I also think if you do tell him you should also show him this thread. You want to be honest and forthright, then start with yourself and then expand.
People are entitled to secrets sure, but when secrets can impact someone's health it's a different story.
If this SP is smoking 25 cocks/day at a MP, gets back together with him and gives him a nasty little present then what? HIV, Hep, etc..
All could have been prevented by telling him?
If this is my friend, this SP is getting outed 100% of the time..
You've made a lot of assumptions in your comments, namely that she's not protecting herself, which would make me wonder what type of girl it was that he married in the first place. And that she would never tell him herself. Both imply she's at best stupid and at worst vintictive enough to purposely want to give him some kind of disease. Either don't say much for her character. Do you think people magically change? for the most part I don't, so who exactly did he marry? what was her background, maybe this was something she did before they met, hard to say without knowing who we're talking about.
As for telling your friend, that's fine, all I'm saying is don't be a hypocrite about it, and hide your hobby while exposing others.
How's that in any way unreasonable?
