What if you caught your wife or girlfriend..

[Alix Turner]

secretly masturbating to porn? Or discovered that she had been going to see strippers and hiding it from you?
Or looking at porn you found offensive in some way? (i.e gay porn, or porn you you felt was somehow demeaning to men)
.. or had toys that she kept hidden from you?
What would you do (if anything) or how would you feel?

This issue seems to be something you hear about from the other side a lot. Men that get in trouble or have partners that are jealous of the material they might masturbate to, or that they masturbate at all.

I'm just sort of curious how a man would react if the circumstances were reversed.

-alix

 

[Flanders]

~ sigh ~

 

[Alix Turner]

~ sigh ~

I'm not sure if that was supposed to make me laugh. Before I admit to anything, was that a whimsical sigh or one of less positive motivation?

 

[vancity_cowboy]

i'd be like, 'woooo hooooo... nice dark side you've got there babe, let's get it goin'!!! lol

 

[Alix Turner]

lol, A funny thing happened on the way to my divorce.

When my ex-wife and I were "happily" married, one or the other of us would often be caught in the act of masturbating. We were both highly sexed and it was the occasion for teasing or participation as circumstances allowed.

When the marriage started to unravel, my ex-wife and I suddenly became non-sexual. There was no sex of any sort happening with us and we both knew that any evidence of sex with another person would be used in the quiet battle that we were waging.

So, I'd say the likely response depends on the health of the relationship.

I hate to ask, but did you become non sexual in order to see the divorce finally happen because it would be too difficult to go ahead with a divorce when the two of you were fucking all the time, or did you lose interest in each other.. but not your sex drives?

 

[Alix Turner]

Strictly personal answer, I would love to watch. If she'd rather it be her private thing, absolutely too. Sometimes it's better to not know why the shower head is named "Bob".



Not a big thing. I'd rather she not hide it and just tell me. There's no emotional indiscretion. Standard rule of look, comment, maybe even touch (lapdances and such) is okay. But as long as I'm the one she comes home to and to bed with it's fine with me.



Isn't it expected that everyone has a porn / fantasy stash?

I know that I cannot be the solution to every woman's fantasy. I'm happy if I can fulfill at least one of them. Any man that expects to fulfill every fantasy and desire a woman has is delusional or mad. If she's found some outlet for it or some sort of expression that doesn't include sexual contact with another person but excludes me, I cannot take offense to it, and I will respect it. If she'd told me about them and tried to incorporate me into some of it, I'd be even happier about it (though there would probably be a time of fine tuning). If it doesn't work out, it'll be her 'thing'.

I would hope the when the expectations are applied to me it would be the same.

under absolutely no circumstances is your porn ok! its all tentacle rape hentai or nothing but begrudging missionary and cold showers.

jk, but ive never considered naming any of my sex toys.. even the shower head. Gives pause for thought.

 

[Alix Turner]

My marriage ended ultimately because my wife could not embrace my sexual side, and it led to no sex, then an ever escalating spiral back into the porn/internet/cyber/SP world so I could meet my needs. Of course, being the selfish person she was, she saw this as my failing, rather than having even the slightest bit to do with herself. She even quit the marriage counselling we started when the counselor (a female, one she chose) told her she had part of the blame for my desires to seek fulfillment elsewhere. If you can't abide their porn, you can't abide them might as well admit it and get it over with.

for a lot of people, myself included, it is emotionally painful to experience a partner that withholds sex. I'm happy that you were able to see your partner as selfish for demanding that you not have an interest in sex beyond what she was willing to offer instead of holding yourself responsible. I think it's uncommon for the person that doesn't want sex to see the other partners sexual needs as being a reason to end the relationship though.. I think the partner with needs ultimately becomes responsible for having to acknowledge the relationship isn't going to work for them.

 

[Alix Turner]

I am definitely not a man but can say that I have had girlfriends before. And, what I would say is, "Honey! Why have you been holding out on me?!" We could watch each other's videos and explore our fantasies together, ideally. Hopefully, she decides to share with me all of her fantasies, magazines, her porn collection and it leads us to have a more open, kinkier sex life. Hopefully we could get to a point where we could see the strippers together or even take stripper lessons with one another and give each other shows

how would you feel about your partner intentionally hiding it from you? What if their fantasy was choking their partner.. or they had a braces fetish? Something you weren't interested in satisfying or they didn't want you to?

 

[uncleg]

Well, can't either of us is into watching porn, but I have bought her sex toys to keep her amused when we are apart, and when we're not, they amuse both of us.

 

[markjacob]

secretly masturbating to porn? Or discovered that she had been going to see strippers and hiding it from you?
Or looking at porn you found offensive in some way? (i.e gay porn, or porn you you felt was somehow demeaning to men)
.. or had toys that she kept hidden from you?
What would you do (if anything) or how would you feel?

This issue seems to be something you hear about from the other side a lot. Men that get in trouble or have partners that are jealous of the material they might masturbate to, or that they masturbate at all.

I'm just sort of curious how a man would react if the circumstances were reversed.

-alix

If she was only focused on one kind of porn - denoting a desire that she is wanting something she is not getting, for example - looking at porn with big black cocks (when I am not myself black or have a monster cock), then I would be very very concerned.

Same goes with her going to strippers who are all muscle bound types (when I am not).

This would tell me she should be with someone else who fits her fantasies, and that she's compromising by being with me.

Otherwise, if her porn tastes vary and she just likes porn, then why the hell not. That's just normal.

 

[Tugela]

secretly masturbating to porn? Or discovered that she had been going to see strippers and hiding it from you?
Or looking at porn you found offensive in some way? (i.e gay porn, or porn you you felt was somehow demeaning to men)
.. or had toys that she kept hidden from you?
What would you do (if anything) or how would you feel?

This issue seems to be something you hear about from the other side a lot. Men that get in trouble or have partners that are jealous of the material they might masturbate to, or that they masturbate at all.

I'm just sort of curious how a man would react if the circumstances were reversed.

-alix

It wouldn't bother me, and if I did find out about it I wouldn't say anything. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that your other half has to be one with you. They are still a person and are entitled to their own little secrets, fantasies and what ever. As long as it isn't something that is actively damaging to the relationship you should respect their privacy and give them some space of their own. You don't need to be in it all the time.

 

[Ned Flanders]

Hi Alinburnaby,
I have a couple of questions.

First, I take it your ex's "love of her life" was another woman?
Second, my limited knowledge of family law seemed to suggest that while adultery is grounds for divorce it has no impact upon the settlement?

 

[Webster]

secretly masturbating to porn? Or discovered that she had been going to see strippers and hiding it from you?

I would be utterly shocked that I was not The God of All Fuck, satisfying each of her desires and fantasies fully and completely and with a truly psychic gift of timing.

 

[Alix Turner]

I would be utterly shocked that I was not The God of All Fuck, satisfying each of her desires and fantasies fully and completely and with a truly psychic gift of timing.

this was all hypothetical, worry not

 

[Alix Turner]

She made it unacceptable to even congratulate her on an accomplishment, never mind try to have sex. In the meantime, my Visa and Bank statements told me she had employed a private investigator. So, since i'm not into rape or sex with someone who is "doing it for duty", sex with her wasn't on the menu. I also realized that if I had sex with anyone, I would have to be very discreet about it. That's how I started seeing SPs. You don't have affairs with anyone you know or anyone you work with when you know that your wife has already employed a private investigator.

I played that game until the children had moved out. In fact, by buying them houses, I made it really easy for them to move out. Then, I waited to see what would happen. The ex-wife finally moved in with the "love of her life" and I was able to serve papers. Of course, the "love of her life" wasn't around long after she realized how little my ex-wife was bringing into the relationship. "Love of her life" wanted a Ferrari lifestyle and my ex-wife got a Cadillac settlement. Then my ex-wife "degraded" herself by moving in with a friend that stripped away what little financial security security she had remaining. The "degraded" comes from what my ex-wife told my daughter. The "friend" was one of those guys that always lets someone else pick up the bill while maintaining the appearance that he is well invested. Turned out that he was in debt to his eyebrows and his "management" of my ex-wife's money meant that she even lost the house.

As a lawyer, I know that when one of the parties is aggressively pursuing "evidence" that their spouse is cheating - they are cheating. That's why it's so urgent to get the "evidence". The answer is always to be so sanitary that you would bore a monk. Men can't win if they pursue a divorce with a woman who is still living with them, especially if there are children still living with them. A man has to arrange to get the children on their own and he has to wait until she decides that she has to be full-time with her lover.

And - yes it is hard for a sexual person to not have sex. However, half hour sessions with a SP take the edge off and the SP isn't going to gloat at your wife because she thinks she's on-track to acquiring the wife's husband.

sorry about all of your frustration, I hope you are now in the clear of it.

 

[sevenofnine]

the pervert that i am

its pretty simply.
i would ask if i could watch with the hope of particpating at some point.

the pig that i am nothing really disgusts me, im an omnimvore,

when it comes to food and sex, well im not gay

that being said, the person im with, has to want it enjoy it,
i shut down dam quick if the person im with is not into it.

 

[violetblake]

Just wanted to add my two cents. The reason why you usually hear of women getting mad at men for doing those things and not the other way around, is that society tells us from day one that men are sexual and women are not. Men always want sex, and women only enjoy it if it's from a man they love. This, of course, is bullshit. However it leaves us with a society where men are free to indulge and women are hesitant to. It's sad, women should start relaxing about sex and not worrying about society's ridiculous rules. I've always lived my life that way, but it's harder for some other women I suppose. Things are evening out in the sexual playing field, but very slowly!

 

[AA_Train]

If they were intentionally hiding it from me, I would definitely probe her/him a nd ask them why they are hiding it from me. Their reason for hiding it would be very significant for me. Is it that they have queer, really perverted fantasies, or simply that they are embarrassed. Depending on how serious my relationship was, I would just try and talk to them about it and if I could digest their reason for it, possibly counselling. If I found out they were really odd, I may choose to end it. If they had fantasies I wasn't into like braces lol or choking and were interested in violence, I would probably break it off with them if they didn't seek counselling for it. If they didn't want me to act out their fantasy even if I was into it, I would see that as a red flag and get out of the relationship because they have things to hide and are not communicating with me.

I agree. It might be something they think I wouldn't like or something they perceive as shameful and embarrassing. I would be a little mad that they were hiding it from me,but more because they were hiding something,what it specifically was wouldn't totally matter. Relationships are about trust and if they couldn't come to me about this, it would show a lack of trust in me.

The exploration of ones sexuality is a personal journey yet if there are issues, concerns and desires one needs to explore, their partner needs to be informed so they can do what needs to be done to help them along.

 

[satinguy]

secretly masturbating to porn? Or discovered that she had been going to see strippers and hiding it from you?
Or looking at porn you found offensive in some way? (i.e gay porn, or porn you you felt was somehow demeaning to men)
.. or had toys that she kept hidden from you?
What would you do (if anything) or how would you feel?

This issue seems to be something you hear about from the other side a lot. Men that get in trouble or have partners that are jealous of the material they might masturbate to, or that they masturbate at all.

I'm just sort of curious how a man would react if the circumstances were reversed.

-alix

Good question Alix,

I would not have a problem with it at all. Me and my SO are pretty open about this stuff. I always encourage her to go out wit the girls when male strippers are in town but she isn't into it that much. She loves her toys though and they make her happy so why not. She even tewlls me sometimes when she is going to use them and i often join her. We are up front about everything sex related except for my hobby.

That is where the honesty ends sadly. She is jealous and would never approve of this but i am new and only indulge once or twice a month and it has actually helped our sex life. In fact i joked to an SP once that she should be paying for my session since it keeps things interesting in the bedroom. If i weren't indulging in this hobby and caught her doing this, i would most likely be angry. However, i am not a hypocrite and since i indulge if i caught her i would not have a problem. THere would be a few ground rules such as keep this away from the kids and such but i would be fine with it.

I think it would actually strengthen our Marriage and we could enjoy the hobby together. It creates a different dynamic for sure but we could both really benefit from it. Not that i would ever bring it up but i would be a happy man if she indulged and even happier if she were indulging with female SP's.