Today's Joke

[Chingada]

The Rodeo Position!

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from
behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you
whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then
try to hold on for 8 seconds."

 

[Makhno]

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses... the words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today... “

 

[Hit Man]

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in yon castle
with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so.

That night, while supping on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
the princess chuckled to herself and thought:

I don't fucking think so.

 

[Chingada]

Federal Election

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of Peter at The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" That's Nelson Mandela's.
The hands have seldom moved, indicating that he rarely told a lie."

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That was Abraham Lincoln's clock. The Hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Paul Martin's clock?" asked the man.
"Martin's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Swguy]

This happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat. Have a good day."

 

[Swguy]

A story about marital bliss...

... with apologies in advance for tha language at the end..


one day...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face.I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors'd'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back.I promise.OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?......... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"


And, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story?

 

[Chingada]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Transcontinental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly --
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to getme a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

 

[Makhno]

Give her what she wants....

When Bob got home last night, his wife demanded that he take her out to some place expensive.

So Bob took her to the gas station.