Paying for sex —

[Miss*Bijou]

Some might find this interesting..

Paying for sex — and love
A survey of men who look for sex online finds they're more interested in emotion than getting kinky

By Tracy Clark-Flory (link to original)



They’re rich, married, middle-aged — and they pay for sex. But they aren’t looking for taboo sex they can’t get at home: These men want an emotional connection.

That’s according to a new survey of men who look for sex online, rather than on the storied street corner, and trade reviews on a website called the Erotic Review (as a Gawker headline once put it, “It’s like Yelp, but for hookers”). These men are connoisseurs of the sex trade, although they refer to themselves as “hobbyists.” The nearly 600 men surveyed were mostly white, middle-aged, highly educated and pulling in six figures. They aren’t necessarily representative of users of the Erotic Review, let alone the much broader sex-buying community.

But the findings, even given these limitations, are fascinating — take that most of these “hobbyists” are primarily concerned that a provider has “a happy and cheerful personality.” That’s why I decided to talk to Christine Milrod, a psychotherapist and one of the lead authors on the study, about the so-called Girlfriend Experience, in which sex workers provide the illusion of a more romantic, cash-free transaction — and why these “hobbyists” are drawn to it.



So how would you summarize what you found in terms of what these hobbyists are looking for in sex-for-pay?

Well, the thing that struck me the most was the whole concept of the Girlfriend Experience, and the fact that the behaviors themselves really mirror conventional non-remunerative romantic relationships. Meaning, these men are not doing anything else they couldn’t be doing at home, they’re just bored with a non-paying partner. The behaviors, the kissing, the fact that they engage in penile-vaginal sex more often than fellatio, that’s really important, because most studies show, and I think it’s the perception in people’s minds, that, “Oh, well, they can’t get a blow job at home so they have to get it from someone else.” That’s not true for these men.

Of course, you also have to look at the men who answered. Clearly, it is not a representative sample. It would be really almost impossible to get a representative sample, because paying for sex or accepting money for sex is basically an illegal activity unless you go to the state of Nevada. This particular crowd, this group of men, for them, they don’t want it to be like a prostitution encounter, even though they’re paying for it. There’s some contradiction here: OK, you want a girlfriend, but at the same time you’re paying for it. How do you reconcile that in your mind? I think the way they have reconciled it is that these men feel that they are consorting with a woman who is in her sexual prime, who really wants to have sex, and isn’t just doing it for the money.


What is it that they want from the Girlfriend Experience?

First, they want her to act like a girlfriend and not like a prostitute. They want her to be romantic and tender: 78.5 percent said that. Next, they want her to be happy and cheerful. Not even a third said they want her to have enthusiasm in trying a variety of sexual activities. What they didn’t like was if she was rushing the session and if she was taking phone calls during the session and if she was emotionally cold during the session.

Whether you like to hear it or not, and most people don’t like to hear it, this population are concerned a great deal about the emotion and very little about outlandish sexual acts. We had 80 percent of them say, “Oh yeah, I could marry someone who had been a former provider. Doesn’t bother me.” Forty percent of them said, “I’ve been in love with them” — I mean, that’s almost half! Thirty percent reported having an “ATF,” an all-time favorite whom they saw exclusively.


Most of these respondents were married, right?

Over 66 percent were married. That’s a lot.


Did you learn anything about their relationships with their wives?

The only thing I asked was comparing their level of sexual interest to their partner’s. They were saying they were much more interested than their partners — that was like 60 percent of them said that.

But you have to look at the age of these men. The bulk of these men are from 50 to 69. That’s not to mention their average salary which was $141,510. Then comes the earth-shattering statistic that almost half of the respondents had a graduate degree. [More than] 84 percent of them were white. This is a whole different kind of crowd.

What’s interesting is when you look at who do they want, they want older providers. They don’t want girls, they want women. Over half of these guys want to see a woman between 26 and 35. And as far as preferred ethnicity, 85 percent of the respondents were white guys and 85 percent of them wanted white women.


You hit on this earlier where you were saying there’s this assumption that the women were enjoying themselves. Did they express much interest in the provider’s pleasure?

Well, I didn’t ask that in this particular study, but when you read the reviews on the Erotic Review you see that there’s a great deal of emphasis placed on “I made her come,” “I ate her out.” This is like prestige, because, remember, even though they have user names, they still have a persona on those message boards that people know.


Another surprising thing was that you found “deep kissing with tongue” was actually a common experience. That goes against the popular wisdom that sex workers have a “no kissing” rule.

But you have to if you’re going to offer the Girlfriend Experience. The stats that we generally read about prostitution are almost always about street prostitution, because that’s where you get the numbers — through HIV clinics, public health inventories, arrest records and all those “johns” schools.

I did a provider study that’s unpublished and you talk to these women and some of these women are like, “Yeah, what’s wrong with this?” Some of these women charge $1,000 an hour. How horrible could that be? You get flown to places.


How are these hobbyists different from the larger community of men who pay for sex?

Well, they’re richer, and they’re educated beyond belief. In terms of motive, most of these men said, “I like to be with a woman who really likes sex.” It’s really not rocket science: They want to be with the hot chick who wants them. They’re willing to pay for the illusion. And whoever is the best actress, I think that girl is going to be very busy and very wealthy.

 

[blazejowski]

What dream world was this survey conducted in? No offense to our fine ladies, but when I poon, I am only interested in getting my rocks off, and relieving myself of stress. Emotions have ZERO to do with it....

 

[rhydogg]

I on the other hand would rather have a connection with the sp "call it emotions" but I'm lucky enough to have a couple regulars I connect well with and would rather spend my hard earned $$$ on them..

 

[mackeral23]

Emotional connection...I'd call it intimacy, and I'd say that it is a big portion of what many are looking for including myself. Do note that he is specifically doing much of his research via TheEroticReview which is a forum/board similar to this. Getting my rocks off? Easier done, (if less memorably), on my own, at no cost and significantly more convenience. The ladies provide companionship.

 

[Tugela]

What dream world was this survey conducted in? No offense to our fine ladies, but when I poon, I am only interested in getting my rocks off, and relieving myself of stress. Emotions have ZERO to do with it....

It is the dream world you live in. Remember, most of the guys in the survey are high income earners, older and well educated. So they are not bottom feeding off backpage, they are the guys seeing the elite escorts.

 

[uncleg]

It's them who are living in the dream world....they are paying for company. That would be like you paying me to pretend I'm your friend.


You are paying a SP for their time and nothing more, how you choose to use your time is up to you :nod:

........................like that would happen..........................ound:.

Most of these guys probably also told mommy they only bought Playboy for the articles................:doh:

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Everybody is looking for something else. One one end of the spectrum are the ones who want quick release, on the other those who want to have the company of a nice and intelligent woman they can spoil.

This is just like some people buy cars to go to work, others buy classic cars they almost never drive, just feast their eyes on it, polish it, treat it like a treasure.

I agree...every pooner wants to get their unique needs filled...and that, in itself, can include lots of variety, depending on the day... no one should question or criticize why anyone else does anything. Live and let live! :nod:

 

[Jethro Bodine]

You guys pay for it!?

 

[Cock Throppled]

You guys pay for it!?

We don't all have Elly May for a sister, Jethro.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

We don't all have Elly May for a sister, Jethro.

Actually she's a cousin but not that that matters where I come from. :eyebrows:
Sister, cousin, auntie, brother...OOps! Scratch that brother comment.

 

[CanineCowboy]

Thank you for starting this thread Miss Bijou.

I can only speak for myself, as I am not aware of why other men seek the services of escorts, but I would have to place myself close to the cohort that was of interest to the researchers: I am white and have a graduate degree, but I am in my early forties, single and, maybe incorrectly, classify myself as middle class. While I am able to afford a house in Vancouver proper, I have no dependants, am not a clothes horse, have never owned an expensive car and instead choose to spend my discretionary income on experiences like travel, fine foods and wine, and escorts in the $250-350 range.

I went to my first encounters strictly for sexual services, as I had recently seperated from a long term partnership, but within a few encounters I became more attracted to a single provider that I seemed to connect with. I mainly saw her, although infrequently, for the five years that followed and we shared life experiences and thoughts, she councilled me through life challenges and supported me through tragedies, as well as engaging in sexual activities. I hope she knows I genuinely appreciate that.

At the end of last year, I visited a few different escorts and, although all were attractive and most were enthusiastic, I again found that I was drawn to a single provider. The main reason was that we talked. We saw each other frequently for a short period of time, but for reasons I am not comfortable sharing with the board, it didn't work out. Afterwards, I actually found myself emotionally distraught and was uninterested in seeing any other escorts for months. Over time, I realized I had simply placed my trust in the wrong person and had projected my emotions into our relationship.

Mid-summer, I returned to visiting escorts and saw a few different providers and while I was sexually stimulated by our activities, I was left kind of vacant. I actually was on the verge of stopping.

Last week I made an appointment with an escort and it was crazy. I was physically attracted to her from the moment I saw her and I am not a guy who professes to having 'a type'. In our first moments together, I was very nervous and my nervousness was obvious enough that she asked me about it. She gently tried to ease my anxiety and she engaged in the most sensuous activity I had experienced - either with escort or girlfriend. The sex that followed was scintillating for me and throughout we communicated with short sentences, touch and our eyes. I have seen her four times since that initial visit and have tried to share myself with her. On our last visit we didn't even have sex, we simply touched each other, kissed and communicated. I told her something about myself that I have never shared with anyone in my private life, even my former longtime partner. I look at the importance of establishing trust and opening up communication as essential to continuing our relationship. I have tried to make it as clear as possible that while I want to establish intimacy and will personally involve myself emotionally with her when we are together, I recognize that it is a professional relationship and that I don't require her to make an emotional investment but just to be genuine and feel comfortable. We are planning a very regular and ongoing professional relationship.

I obviously fall within the findings of the study.

On a side note: do escorts providing a girl friend experience prefer thinking off it as simply providing a list of more intimate sexual services or are they willing to engage in the emotional side? I recognize there are pitfalls.

 

[sevenofnine]

i kind of think money is a big issue or perhaps the deciding factor,

how many young guys or guys struggling with a mortagage and car payements etc are going to book long sessions with an sp.
have you ever checked what a supper date costs, sex is cheap with an sp, friendship with an sp costs a hell of a lot more

lets face it, sex is one of the strongest desires emotions drives we will ever have, next to food water and breathing sex is it.

we see escorts primary for sex, any one who says any different is nuts.
but men people are social animals. take care of the sex part, and well we like friendships the comfort of familiriaty companinonship,

i have seen the same lady for years and years, and i enjoy the friendship, we have done everything but the shopping part that one lady talked about and of course the porsche,
i have a standing appointment with her, and lately we chat daily and tell each other whats up that day. the friendship is nice,
but im familiar with her body like her body, sex is the primary draw, no doubt about it.


and you know i kind of think a lot of guys would have this kind of relationship with a sp,
one if they could afford it,
you know just the price structure dictates has a lot to say about how this hobby carries on

and i guess two, relationships are difficult hard actually to have one for years and years.

 

[Tugela]

I can only speak for myself, as I am not aware of why other men seek the services of escorts, but I would have to place myself close to the cohort that was of interest to the researchers: I am white and have a graduate degree, but I am in my early forties, single and, maybe incorrectly, classify myself as middle class. While I am able to afford a house in Vancouver proper, I have no dependants, am not a clothes horse, have never owned an expensive car and instead choose to spend my discretionary income on experiences like travel, fine foods and wine, and escorts in the $250-350 range.

Historically the middle class were wealthy merchants who were not part of the aristocracy. The vast majority of people who describe themselves as "middle class" today are actually part of the peasant class.

 

[Tugela]

There's an old joke. We don't pay for the sex, we pay you to leave afterward. For me, emotions do not play a part, not anymore, once, they did with an SP and it was painful. Then, after a sexless and then loveless marriage, what I realized is the sexual chemistry in a life partner is very hard to find. I don't care about emotions or relationships, but still have physical and mental kinks to work on and work out. Maybe after a while I will be interested again in the more emotional aspects, but I would never try to find them with an SP. Seen too many other bad stories on top of my own to even think about giving that a shot again.

Developing an emotional connection is not wise, but at the same time having a sexual encounter without some sort of connection is a pretty empty experience. You might as well go and masturbate if that is all you want, a lot safer and cheaper. What you are paying for is to have that human connection, but without emotional investment. A client is happy and comfortable in what he is doing will strike that balance evenly. A successful escort will do the same same thing. She wont get emotionally involved with her clients, but on the other hand she will make a real connection with the client.

I think that is what it is really all about, when that balance is found then you have the makings of a healthy interaction on both sides.

 

[Tugela]

i kind of think money is a big issue or perhaps the deciding factor,

how many young guys or guys struggling with a mortagage and car payements etc are going to book long sessions with an sp.
have you ever checked what a supper date costs, sex is cheap with an sp, friendship with an sp costs a hell of a lot more

That is the biggest lie guys tell themselves to rationalize what they are doing. A dinner date at a decent restuarant plus a movie is probably not going to set you back more that about $150, and remember that the entertainment value is not simply sex, it is the dinner itself, the movie and all the other things that make up the experience. The sex part actually is free.

Plus, when you have a girlfriend you are having sex with, you don't have to have an extravagant dinner before every sexual session, sex is way more frequent that that. Mostly the cost of leading up to it is zero.

Oh, and the argument that marriage is more expensive than escorts....how many times have you had sex with your wife? Let us suppose you have sex on a daily basis before it goes south for 3 years. That would be 1095 sessions, at $300 per hour that would be around $300k. Oh, and let us not forget the fee for "social time" if you want to make a comparison with escorts, which would massively increase that number. Most people who have been married have had sex with their spouses a lot more than that. If you want to treat your ex as the equivalent of an escort, you are getting off way easy no matter what you earn, unless you are obscenely rich.

The cost of a marriage has nothing to do with sex, it is because you have entered into a PARTNERSHIP with another person to share life's burdens and rewards, sex is just a small part of that. And just like any other partnership the assests get split when it is dissolved. No one goes into that with closed eyes, they know what it involves. Anyone who gets married simply for regular sex is frankly a monumental idiot.

 

[rosealex45]

The real world - lol
It's the modern world..no parnets to arrange marriages, carefully picking a woman who was raised to please an accomplished man. Everything is fast paced, endless to do lists, and little time for pleasure; so anytime you do have to unwind, it should be satisfying. This is an honest way for both parties to get their needs met and not have to go through the complications that scoping girls at bars creates. Plus, I think those, who do this type of work are just generally more in tune with what a man wants and know how to give it...the money is part of it, but really it takes more than that to be happy doing this..I often think many girls dream of doing what reputable SPs do, but are afraid or don't have the confidence. In the end, for some people, this is just more real and makes more sense.

 

[sevenofnine]

That is the biggest lie guys tell themselves to rationalize what they are doing. A dinner date at a decent restuarant plus a movie is probably not going to set you back more that about $150, and remember that the entertainment value is not simply sex, it is the dinner itself, the movie and all the other things that make up the experience. The sex part actually is free.

Plus, when you have a girlfriend you are having sex with, you don't have to have an extravagant dinner before every sexual session, sex is way more frequent that that. Mostly the cost of leading up to it is zero.

Oh, and the argument that marriage is more expensive than escorts....how many times have you had sex with your wife? Let us suppose you have sex on a daily basis before it goes south for 3 years. That would be 1095 sessions, at $300 per hour that would be around $300k. Oh, and let us not forget the fee for "social time" if you want to make a comparison with escorts, which would massively increase that number. Most people who have been married have had sex with their spouses a lot more than that. If you want to treat your ex as the equivalent of an escort, you are getting off way easy no matter what you earn, unless you are obscenely rich.

The cost of a marriage has nothing to do with sex, it is because you have entered into a PARTNERSHIP with another person to share life's burdens and rewards, sex is just a small part of that. And just like any other partnership the assests get split when it is dissolved. No one goes into that with closed eyes, they know what it involves. Anyone who gets married simply for regular sex is frankly a monumental idiot.

you missed my point
a lot more men in this would find or have friendships with sps or have relationships with sp's , if it wasn't so dam expensive.

sex is cheap, all you need is a half an hour session or even fifteen minutes.
if you want to talk to a lady and get to know her your going to book longer sessions
even two hours is short to talk and get to know a lady, you basiclly just say hi how goes it between shots on goal

i think a lot of men would love to take an sp out for supper or a drink before going back to some ones house for some play time
but when an sp is going to charge you like three hundred and hour to sit and have a drink, how many men are actually going to do it,

you have to be at a certain fincial point in your life, to book long supper dates with sps is all im saying

 

[mackeral23]

Good point. Doesn't matter how lonely you are, if all you can afford is 30 minutes of her time, that's all you get.

That's where you have to decide what's more important to you. More Sex more often, or More Intimacy less often. Count me in the second camp.

 

[steverino]

My preference would be more shorter visits but the pricing makes it impossible. Many charge 140/half and 180/hour making it hard to select the half hour.

 

[vancity_cowboy]

Ended up having a 5 year affair with him. He would come to see me twice a day, 7 days a week sometimes.

wow, hats off to the gent!!