Legend Fantasyland
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More Levity Required! VL = Aunt Karen?

Riddler Diddler

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Dec 5, 2003
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is ,"don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah, said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete . She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

;-)
 

BS Detector

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Sep 8, 2003
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Little Jonny Jokes

DADDY & AUNT JANE
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "passionate embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and...."Mommy tells him to slowdown. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and . . . "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
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BUT I LIKE YOUR THINKING
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. Th e second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
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QUITE A MOUTHFUL
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me." "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bation " Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Johnny, that’s quite a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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WHAT’S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said "6". "But that's right!" Then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
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BS Detector

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Sep 8, 2003
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The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously For hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
Now…Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
 

P.B.

Senior Member
May 11, 2002
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Little Johnny and his gambling habit

One day the teacher observed Little Johnny collecting bets he won from other students. She decided to have a talk with him "Little Johnny, gambling is wrong. And you shouldn't take money from other students."

To which Little Johnny replied "Hey, there's nothing wrong with making money off people who's stupid enough to bet against me. Besides, who are you to be lecturing."

"What ever do you mean?" ask the teacher.

"We'll, your a hypocrite. The hair on your head is blonde, but everyone knows your bush is as black as midnight."

Shocked, the teacher decides she will settle this and teach him a lesson about gambling once and for all. "OK, how about we bet that I'm all blonde?"

"Sure. $20" says Little Johnny.

"Make it a $100" replies the teacher.

Little Johnny eagerly agrees "It's a bet, now show me."

The teacher shows her blonde bush to Little Johnny, then collects all of the winnings he took from his classmates. "Well, I hope that teaches you about gambling young man."

Unphased, Little Johnny retorts "Yep, sure did. I bet my father $500 this morning that I'd see your bush before the end of the day!"
 

Oberon

Finished
Nov 28, 2003
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Funny the first joke I can "remember" is a little Johnny one ...

Little Johnny has a problem with swearing and it reeally concerns his teacher everytime they do a word exercise in class he comes up with swear word. The teacher decided to try and stop this by picking a letter that no swear words begin with. First she asks Mary, "Mary give me a word that starts with c" and Mary says " contest"..

Then she smiles and turns to Little Johnny and says "Johnny give me a word that starts with r" she knwo no swear words start with r and Johnny thinks for a second then says "RATS, great big fucking RATS with cocks this long".....

Hey I was like 10 when i heard it...

Oberon
 

Oberon

Finished
Nov 28, 2003
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Lower Mainland
vancouverman said:
and you have a great memory


:D :D
Probably the first time I heard the words cock and fuck (I had a somewhat sheltered childhood) :p

Oberon
 

Riddler Diddler

New member
Dec 5, 2003
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Vancouver
Here's Johnny...again!

Here's Johnny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day while his mom was in the bathroom, only to catch his dad sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look
under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

;-)
 
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