Not expecting a response. I think it’s more of a process for me to write out my situation to see it on (digital) paper. Been battling this for a while thinking it would pass and it’s not.
Let me preface by saying that as much as looks matter, they matter most significantly based on a personal subconscious attraction. This, coupled with a personality that meshes well with that same subconscious is potentially dangerous. This is why we can often be hyper attracted to people we logically know are bad for us.
It’s a year ago that I went to see an SP and was completely blown away. She’s not the hottest but there was a magic that I felt that made her the most amazing woman I have ever laid eyes on. This feeling only continued to grow over time. It went from amazing to fantasy to delusional.
There is also a simultaneous side story that is adding to my inability to move on.
I have a friend of which I shared my experience with shortly after meeting this SP. He doesn’t see girls outside of the typical dating arena but is a very liberal guy. I was sharing about my experience with this girl and of course he asked if I had pictures. I pulled the ad at the time and showed him.
He made a comment that she was cute and then asked me if I ever see the same girl more than one time, as he says seeing the same person over time could cloud judgement. I laughed it off and that was that.
So I start seeing this girl more and more and of course my feelings build. I asked this SP out a few times and she would say yes but it would never happen. One time I did manage to go out with her for lunch and I thought I was getting somewhere.
Anyway I remember one day I go to see her and there are these flowers in a box on her night stand that looked really expensive. When I asked her about the flowers she said her boyfriend got them for her. Then she starts kissing me and then we go at it. I laughed it off at the time but the laughing soon came to an end. I remember looking up the brand of flowers on google after and had a bit of sticker shock. I remember thinking to myself it was a bit excessive.
Fast forward to December of last year, I meet with the same friend I mentioned above and we catch up. When I left, I was going to take a cab home as I had quite a few drinks but my friend offered to drop me off at home. He had just picked up a new car. Being a total car guy (hence my screen name) we had a good chat about it and took in the details of it before getting in. When I get in, I move this small bag from Cartier and LePerla. I ask who’s the new flame?
He tells me he’s actually been seeing someone for a while and it’s been really stressful on him due to travel and her work but that they agreed to commit to their relationship as their New Years resolution. I go home, sober up and book the same SP I’ve been booking.
At this point I’m now seeing this girl 3 times per week and I feel we are pretty close. She shares all kinds of things with me and it feels like we have some legitimate chemistry.
Fast forward to later that night.....
When I get to her in-call and I see a car that looks like my friend’s car parked outside. While there are others like it, the rarity gets my brain buzzing. I walk in, we start kissing and she’s all happy and excited to see me. She leads me to her bedroom as always and as I walk past the kitchen I see two folded bags.
Cartier and LaPerla...... fuck me..... fuck.....
My fucking brain just shut off in that moment.... was written all over my face. She asks me if I’m okay and I’m not able to even get the words out.....
All I could think of in that moment was to ask if she was leaving soon.
I almost cringed as she started to share so casually that she’s going to be retiring soon. Huge smile on her face like she just found out she won the lottery. I asked if she was ever coming back and she flat out told me she’s leaving to get married so no.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.
The session went from the usual steamy porno scene to this act of theatre where I just fight back the pain and hurt of her going away. I was still processing the whole “is she dating my friend” situation outside. I tried to play it off as whatever, happily congratulating her and asking about her boyfriend. I guess I wanted to know right there and then if it was the same person. She was very tight lipped about him and wouldn’t say anything. I would ask and she would flat out ignore me and say she needs to keep him safe because he keeps her safe.
So I walked out that night completely shattered. I really thought that we had a connection and she echoed a lot of the same vibe back. Even hung out and talked on the phone.
What really got me was the next bit.
A mutual friend and I meet in the new year and as we are talking, he gets a message from the mutual friend with a picture of him and the former SP together. “Hey you know ######, this is his new girlfriend. Says they plan to get married and everything. Crazy huh?”
I take one look and if there was any doubt before, that pic finished me off. All I could say was I hope they’re happy.
Fuck man. 4 months later and I’m still sad about this. I basically introduced my buddy to this girl I loved and then this. I’m not sure if I’m mad at him, myself, her. Last I checked on good old Facebook, there is one picture with the two of them together. Each are holding a piece of paper with a list of what the love about the other with some sappy caption and a date. As it turns out, they did get married.
Of all things I saw him at a friend’s birthday party a few weeks back. We talked. He told me he was married. He didn’t say anything about how they met, didn’t say anything to me about how I introduced him or anything.
I felt like asking him how he enjoys kissing someone who previously ate my balls but that’s just the frustration talking. They’re legitimately happy and if I really care for her I should be happy. The guy is a legit good person and I know he’d take really good care of her. I just don’t know why this is harder to shake. Been seeing other SPs hoping to find someone that can be a replacement but that’s not how it works. Besides, it I get in that deep again I’m just setting myself up for another mess.
The thing is, that guy did it. I never knew this sort of thing could happen even though I was trying to achieve the same thing. It makes me wonder did we ever have anything? Was it that she just liked him more and if he didn’t come along would we have had a chance? We’re all those seemingly real times just part of her act?
Clearly she was open to the idea of it so it’s not like I was fighting an impossible battle. I think I’m just mad that all the times I asked her if she really had feelings, she said she did. Had she had taken the gloves off after a session and say “hey! I’ll be this fantasy for you but it’s only fantasy”. But then does that in itself ruin it?
I really believed we had something so I guess that’s the part I’m still processing.
Anyway. Yeah just needed to get it out.
Let me preface by saying that as much as looks matter, they matter most significantly based on a personal subconscious attraction. This, coupled with a personality that meshes well with that same subconscious is potentially dangerous. This is why we can often be hyper attracted to people we logically know are bad for us.
It’s a year ago that I went to see an SP and was completely blown away. She’s not the hottest but there was a magic that I felt that made her the most amazing woman I have ever laid eyes on. This feeling only continued to grow over time. It went from amazing to fantasy to delusional.
There is also a simultaneous side story that is adding to my inability to move on.
I have a friend of which I shared my experience with shortly after meeting this SP. He doesn’t see girls outside of the typical dating arena but is a very liberal guy. I was sharing about my experience with this girl and of course he asked if I had pictures. I pulled the ad at the time and showed him.
He made a comment that she was cute and then asked me if I ever see the same girl more than one time, as he says seeing the same person over time could cloud judgement. I laughed it off and that was that.
So I start seeing this girl more and more and of course my feelings build. I asked this SP out a few times and she would say yes but it would never happen. One time I did manage to go out with her for lunch and I thought I was getting somewhere.
Anyway I remember one day I go to see her and there are these flowers in a box on her night stand that looked really expensive. When I asked her about the flowers she said her boyfriend got them for her. Then she starts kissing me and then we go at it. I laughed it off at the time but the laughing soon came to an end. I remember looking up the brand of flowers on google after and had a bit of sticker shock. I remember thinking to myself it was a bit excessive.
Fast forward to December of last year, I meet with the same friend I mentioned above and we catch up. When I left, I was going to take a cab home as I had quite a few drinks but my friend offered to drop me off at home. He had just picked up a new car. Being a total car guy (hence my screen name) we had a good chat about it and took in the details of it before getting in. When I get in, I move this small bag from Cartier and LePerla. I ask who’s the new flame?
He tells me he’s actually been seeing someone for a while and it’s been really stressful on him due to travel and her work but that they agreed to commit to their relationship as their New Years resolution. I go home, sober up and book the same SP I’ve been booking.
At this point I’m now seeing this girl 3 times per week and I feel we are pretty close. She shares all kinds of things with me and it feels like we have some legitimate chemistry.
Fast forward to later that night.....
When I get to her in-call and I see a car that looks like my friend’s car parked outside. While there are others like it, the rarity gets my brain buzzing. I walk in, we start kissing and she’s all happy and excited to see me. She leads me to her bedroom as always and as I walk past the kitchen I see two folded bags.
Cartier and LaPerla...... fuck me..... fuck.....
My fucking brain just shut off in that moment.... was written all over my face. She asks me if I’m okay and I’m not able to even get the words out.....
All I could think of in that moment was to ask if she was leaving soon.
I almost cringed as she started to share so casually that she’s going to be retiring soon. Huge smile on her face like she just found out she won the lottery. I asked if she was ever coming back and she flat out told me she’s leaving to get married so no.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.
The session went from the usual steamy porno scene to this act of theatre where I just fight back the pain and hurt of her going away. I was still processing the whole “is she dating my friend” situation outside. I tried to play it off as whatever, happily congratulating her and asking about her boyfriend. I guess I wanted to know right there and then if it was the same person. She was very tight lipped about him and wouldn’t say anything. I would ask and she would flat out ignore me and say she needs to keep him safe because he keeps her safe.
So I walked out that night completely shattered. I really thought that we had a connection and she echoed a lot of the same vibe back. Even hung out and talked on the phone.
What really got me was the next bit.
A mutual friend and I meet in the new year and as we are talking, he gets a message from the mutual friend with a picture of him and the former SP together. “Hey you know ######, this is his new girlfriend. Says they plan to get married and everything. Crazy huh?”
I take one look and if there was any doubt before, that pic finished me off. All I could say was I hope they’re happy.
Fuck man. 4 months later and I’m still sad about this. I basically introduced my buddy to this girl I loved and then this. I’m not sure if I’m mad at him, myself, her. Last I checked on good old Facebook, there is one picture with the two of them together. Each are holding a piece of paper with a list of what the love about the other with some sappy caption and a date. As it turns out, they did get married.
Of all things I saw him at a friend’s birthday party a few weeks back. We talked. He told me he was married. He didn’t say anything about how they met, didn’t say anything to me about how I introduced him or anything.
I felt like asking him how he enjoys kissing someone who previously ate my balls but that’s just the frustration talking. They’re legitimately happy and if I really care for her I should be happy. The guy is a legit good person and I know he’d take really good care of her. I just don’t know why this is harder to shake. Been seeing other SPs hoping to find someone that can be a replacement but that’s not how it works. Besides, it I get in that deep again I’m just setting myself up for another mess.
The thing is, that guy did it. I never knew this sort of thing could happen even though I was trying to achieve the same thing. It makes me wonder did we ever have anything? Was it that she just liked him more and if he didn’t come along would we have had a chance? We’re all those seemingly real times just part of her act?
Clearly she was open to the idea of it so it’s not like I was fighting an impossible battle. I think I’m just mad that all the times I asked her if she really had feelings, she said she did. Had she had taken the gloves off after a session and say “hey! I’ll be this fantasy for you but it’s only fantasy”. But then does that in itself ruin it?
I really believed we had something so I guess that’s the part I’m still processing.
Anyway. Yeah just needed to get it out.
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