I didn't go for the soapy massage until two days into my time in Bangkok. Having been wiped out by going to a large Sunday morning market the day after arriving, I had no energy. However Bangkok has certain types of places that the other areas do not, so I figured I had to get into gear.

Massage Parlours are just like the ones in Canada. They do not offer a decent massage. I went forward with the mistake of thinking I could get both together, simply because the legit massages there are fantastic. For 150 baht you get can a 30 min foot massage from a lady with many years experience. That's $6 Canadian. And for $12 you can get a Thai Massage, which combines her stepping on your back, stretching, and pulling so it relaxes you while loosening you up, feeling like you just did a session of yoga. And for 40--600 baht you can get an Oil Massage, which is a stronger version of Shiatsu, but you either go down naked with towel over you, they give you a special underwear, or you wear your underwear. I recommend going for a massage every day if you can, alternating the two types. You can also skip a day if you're not feeling it, or try to combine a foot massage with one of them. Only warning is that if you do this, it makes you relaxed and sleepy and you won't want to go out after.

Back on topic, I thought I could get them together. I was in the Suhkumvit part of town, its near a skytrain and giant mall. My closest choices were Bangkok Erotic Massage and Analissa, also Honey Massage. I went to early to Bangkok Erotic, only one woman was working and the place was messy. She had a good bod but plain face. It would have only been 1k baht (40 Canadian.) Instead I waited until around 2:30pm, went to Analissa. They also do S&M services, but I didn't ask. My biggest mistake was letting them assign me a girl instead of me picking. Its hard to be assertive when you're by yourself in a foreign country, people giving you side eye as you make your way down these alleys. I ordered a hot oil massage at 1500, and they assigned me a plain woman with decent boobs. The massage table had a glory hole, but no real massage. So it was 45 minutes of oily rubdown. She asked me to flip but I was uncomfortable, so I asked for her to jerk me under the table using the hole. Decent finish. After looking back at the website, it was obvious that they don't offer real massage. So many 30-45 minute specials. It would be like going to Atlantis and expecting a decent massage, these places are for SEX. They also take good photos, as the women inside were kinda plain. I didn't get the best look at them, most of them are on their phones.

The very next day I decided to go for a blow job, at a blow job bar. Using ThailandRedCat's guide, his top faves are Lolita's, Kasalong, and The Lollipop among others. I was going to do Lolita's, they have girls in schoolgirl skirts and its near a few restaurants in one of the many alleys of Soi Nana. But google images showed me the set up, its literally a series of stools with curtains, all next to each other with zero privacy. Didn't feel like having dick sucked so close to others potentially, even with the rumour that they swallow. Instead I went to Kasalong, for the worst experience of the trip. After getting lost twice in the many alleys, I noticed a lot of massage places that seemed legit so I avoided them. I found Kasalong, its hidden behind a new hotel being constructed. I get there and its a bunch of plain looking women. One of them leads me in, a real plain face with okay boobs. I go upstairs to this cell like bathroom, its a couch with pillow, and a sink with spray hose. I get naked and she cleans junior, then kneels in front of me as I sit on the couch. She had zero dick sucking skill. Like just sucked the first inch over and over, with some occasional decent BLS. After 5 minutes I opted to leave, she was confused but I said I just wanted a warm up. Paid 800 baht and tipped her because I felt bad. The rest of the girls upon leaving were all very plain.

At this point I was at my lowest. It was my third day doing this sex stuff, I honestly thought it was a total and complete bust. 0/3 sexual encounters, with the first two being average but not awful. However on my way to the skytrain back to the hotel I saw a massage parlour. I passed it before was too focused on my phone to notice how they were dressed. Heavy makeup, large cleavage, skirts that show a lot of leg. They were all stunners too, so I thought it was just a ploy to get people in massage. Also there were a few legit places around it, so one can never honestly be sure. ThailandRedCat's site says that massage places near red light areas could offer it. I had 1k baht left, and decided to bite the bullet.

I walk past and one of them waves a menu at me, a real hottie. I say yes to massage and am ushered inside. What follows is a rush of a roller coaster. First off, there are a huge mixture of men and women's shoes. Meaning it might be legit. Then she takes me to pay, and its a really plain desk, looks like an office building with filing cabinets and a waiting area. Its 500 for oil massage, she offers me only a 500 bill in return. Can't really bargain less than 500 baht at this point if its happy ending. The girl takes me to a private room, and the rest looking high end fancy. Real massage tables, one room has a huge tub for two. She tells me to undress. I'm sweaty at this point, so I ask for a shower. They have one available, and I am sure I am in the right place for a dirty end. After I get back to the room and am on the table naked, she gives me a terrible massage. That right there was the sign that I could get a happy ending. So after 10 minutes of half assed rubdown, I ask her for a happy ending, and offer the 500 baht. 500 baht for a happy ending is the going rate. She plays hardball and wants me to give her more to lose her shirt and offer body to body rubdown. But I tell her its all I got. She says no happy ending for that price. I went in with zero expectations so I wasn't choked. The 500 would be spent on thai mik tea and market food later.

After 5 more minutes of rubdown she says 1000. I have no room to bargain so I keep saying its all I have. She tells me to go to an ATM and come back. I scoff at this and tell her I am with friends, they don't about this (a complete lie), and that I have to go the market later (a truth). I was able to figure out the pricing system right away. 500 baht gets me in the door to use the room with her, the rest goes to her entirely. That is why she was trying to hustle me for more. However if I leave, she gets nothing and it may look bad to her employer. She finally relents and tells me to turn over, gives me a happy ending. She was in panties, bra, and tight black t-shirt. However at this point she was the hottest Thai woman I had been in contact with sexually so it was awesome.

I went back to my hotel elated, then we went out for some delicious street food. The food could have tasted better because I was such in good mood. Her name was Mint, but a lot of them have BS sounding nicknames like Honey, Dream, Rose, etc. The massage place is not on google, you can't search for it, but its called Naang Seeda. If you google it only American places with same name show up.

As a bonus, here is how you can tell if a place is legit or not. The one I mentioned is an easy tell. Really hot women with cleavage and make up, trying to grab you or say hi handsome you want massage. Sometimes they will be sitting or eating outside. The tricky thing is that legit places have modestly dressed older women, but sometimes cuties. But they will be sitting down entirely. You can always try to get a happy ending from a legit place, but most likely you will be turned down. However its not completely telltale. One of the shops in Phuket had no women outside because a group of tourists wanted foot massages. These places are a front for sexual services, and can't turn down 150 baht times 5. So these 5 tourists got half assed foot massages from rub and tug ladies and didn't even know it. Asking for a foot massage from these places is a tell that you don't know what goes on in the back. There were also a lot of massage places in the crooks and alleys in Soi Nana area that are legit and have bad location, or look legit and are not, but have plain girls and could be either or. There are some on this board that are into that kind of thing, the sort of rush of not knowing. Those people would love exploring this area and picking a place that looks legit in hopes of it not, and they could be right.

I think that if you are like me, and like actual massage with happy ending, is to combine them at different places. Its only 300-600 for a legit thai or oil massage, and then go to a happy ending place after. Its still less than 2k baht. Or you could do the legit massage and go for a blow job bar (I would go earlier in the morning, less chance of being busy). Trying to get a happy ending at a legit place is useless, because they are all older women with amazing massage skill. Get the best of both worlds and do it separately.