I have been confused about some aspects of my sexuality for some time now. I thought I identified as a BDSM submissive but I am no longer sure. Having noticed the expanded activity on this forum, I've decided to try - again! as I have attempted this exercise before but never got to sharing it - to put my thoughts together and ask for input.
I've read that a significant number of women have rape fantasies. That is certainly true about me, and I started having them way before I even knew what sexuality was. In fact, when it comes to fantasies, nothing vanilla turns me on. I fantasized about conquests of the ancient world, of warriors taking prisoners; of losing a card bet to a powerful lord; of fantasy and sci-fi scenarios, and only very occasionally, of something more fit for our days, such as corporate settings. There were common themes to all those scenarios: yes, there was coercion, some pain and sex, but there was also obsession and reverence. The man in my fantasies wanted ME, not just anybody: for one reason or another, he knew about me and was fascinated by me, so the conquest was extremely personal. The most exciting scenario involved enemies who've acquired a grudging respect and hidden desire for each other, and then one of them lost, and the winner was going to teach her a lesson, yet somehow in the process they developed a curious bond (some Stockholm syndrome influences, I suppose). Whenever I find a new settings for my fantasy, I'd run with it for weeks, developing the plot.
A couple of years ago, I finally decided to act on my curiosities and posted an ad in BDSM personals. I've met with several experienced men of different ages, interests and body types, and proceeded with the one I believed was most attractive to me. What followed was a disappointment. The elements often present in my fantasies - bondage, nipple clamps, spanking, hair pulling and the very concept of submission - left me feeling absolutely indifferent in real life. After several sessions of trying to see if things would change, I told him I was no longer interested.
A little while later I got into escorting. I met HIM in my first two months. He was whip-smart, physically overwhelming, with a bad boy charisma, attraction of age and experience, and dangerously perceptive. He had something predatory about him that comes from years of fighting your way to the top in win-lose situations, an absolute alpha male who now had the power and affluence to get what he wanted when he wanted; and yet he was considerate, and perceptive, and almost reverent with me. I discovered that his very presence made me shiver, want to get on my knees and beg to do whatever he wanted. We never even got to experimenting with bondage because him pinning me down, pushing my hands over my head was enough was enough to make me explode.
For many reasons, our relationship ended; it just got so intense we had to quit. Since then, I've met a guy who identified as top and we've done some bondage and spanking and ordering me around, but... none of it was "it". There was some mild excitement, but mostly, again, indifference. I wasn't getting into the headspace I wanted to be in. And then recently, I met an out of town visitor for a couple of hours where after some gentle, exploratory touching, I found that my knees went weak and my body was screaming "this is it". That careful touch, which has power and confidence to it; the way his fingers paused in my hair... When I regained my breath, I leaned in and whispered in his ear: "Please don't hold back!" And the next time his hand weaved into my hair, his fingers pulled and twisted, making me gasp and arch my back, with just enough strength to assert power and stopping right at the boundary of pain.
So I think I have it somewhat figured out now. I do not have any physical or activity fetishes, i.e. all that BDSM paraphernalia by itself doesn't do it. I seem to have an 'aggressive/ravishing sex with a perceptive and intuitive Alpha-male' fetish, which means that it is partner-specific, which also means I cannot think of a reliable way to explore it.
Ironically, most men who made me tick like this were clients. And I think I have some clients who have this in them, but we have not yet played in this way because I don't know how to communicate it. I am afraid to communicate it. What if I fail to explain or misrepresent it? I can barely explain this to myself as is. This is the most coherent I've ever had it. What if it doesn't really turn their crank, but now that I shared the fantasy, they would think they can't satisfy me with anything we used to do before? I am part-time and very selective about who I see, and the mutuality of experience is very important to my guys.
Is it even really BDSM or is it just plain old chemistry and primitive, raw, animalistic desire that has claws and teeth and doesn't measure its strength?
I don't know. And what's worse, I don't really know how to learn more and explore it, because everybody I had experienced it with is either half-the-country away or no longer in my life. If I start saying to prospective clients that I would be interested in exploring submission or aggressive sex, I am worried about attracting wrong people and wrong experiences: this is too personal for me to just offer it as a service. In terms of communicating with some existing clients, I am afraid of alienating them in case I read them wrong and it doesn't really appeal to them. I am worried that local BDSM scene is more about typical fetish, and I still remember the disappointment of my early attempts. Just waiting to see if the right guy magically turns up... Well, that's exactly what I've been doing so far, and now I want to become a bit more proactive in searching for such experiences.
Have you found anything similar to this in your explorations? Do you have any thoughts on the above?
I've read that a significant number of women have rape fantasies. That is certainly true about me, and I started having them way before I even knew what sexuality was. In fact, when it comes to fantasies, nothing vanilla turns me on. I fantasized about conquests of the ancient world, of warriors taking prisoners; of losing a card bet to a powerful lord; of fantasy and sci-fi scenarios, and only very occasionally, of something more fit for our days, such as corporate settings. There were common themes to all those scenarios: yes, there was coercion, some pain and sex, but there was also obsession and reverence. The man in my fantasies wanted ME, not just anybody: for one reason or another, he knew about me and was fascinated by me, so the conquest was extremely personal. The most exciting scenario involved enemies who've acquired a grudging respect and hidden desire for each other, and then one of them lost, and the winner was going to teach her a lesson, yet somehow in the process they developed a curious bond (some Stockholm syndrome influences, I suppose). Whenever I find a new settings for my fantasy, I'd run with it for weeks, developing the plot.
A couple of years ago, I finally decided to act on my curiosities and posted an ad in BDSM personals. I've met with several experienced men of different ages, interests and body types, and proceeded with the one I believed was most attractive to me. What followed was a disappointment. The elements often present in my fantasies - bondage, nipple clamps, spanking, hair pulling and the very concept of submission - left me feeling absolutely indifferent in real life. After several sessions of trying to see if things would change, I told him I was no longer interested.
A little while later I got into escorting. I met HIM in my first two months. He was whip-smart, physically overwhelming, with a bad boy charisma, attraction of age and experience, and dangerously perceptive. He had something predatory about him that comes from years of fighting your way to the top in win-lose situations, an absolute alpha male who now had the power and affluence to get what he wanted when he wanted; and yet he was considerate, and perceptive, and almost reverent with me. I discovered that his very presence made me shiver, want to get on my knees and beg to do whatever he wanted. We never even got to experimenting with bondage because him pinning me down, pushing my hands over my head was enough was enough to make me explode.
For many reasons, our relationship ended; it just got so intense we had to quit. Since then, I've met a guy who identified as top and we've done some bondage and spanking and ordering me around, but... none of it was "it". There was some mild excitement, but mostly, again, indifference. I wasn't getting into the headspace I wanted to be in. And then recently, I met an out of town visitor for a couple of hours where after some gentle, exploratory touching, I found that my knees went weak and my body was screaming "this is it". That careful touch, which has power and confidence to it; the way his fingers paused in my hair... When I regained my breath, I leaned in and whispered in his ear: "Please don't hold back!" And the next time his hand weaved into my hair, his fingers pulled and twisted, making me gasp and arch my back, with just enough strength to assert power and stopping right at the boundary of pain.
So I think I have it somewhat figured out now. I do not have any physical or activity fetishes, i.e. all that BDSM paraphernalia by itself doesn't do it. I seem to have an 'aggressive/ravishing sex with a perceptive and intuitive Alpha-male' fetish, which means that it is partner-specific, which also means I cannot think of a reliable way to explore it.
Ironically, most men who made me tick like this were clients. And I think I have some clients who have this in them, but we have not yet played in this way because I don't know how to communicate it. I am afraid to communicate it. What if I fail to explain or misrepresent it? I can barely explain this to myself as is. This is the most coherent I've ever had it. What if it doesn't really turn their crank, but now that I shared the fantasy, they would think they can't satisfy me with anything we used to do before? I am part-time and very selective about who I see, and the mutuality of experience is very important to my guys.
Is it even really BDSM or is it just plain old chemistry and primitive, raw, animalistic desire that has claws and teeth and doesn't measure its strength?
I don't know. And what's worse, I don't really know how to learn more and explore it, because everybody I had experienced it with is either half-the-country away or no longer in my life. If I start saying to prospective clients that I would be interested in exploring submission or aggressive sex, I am worried about attracting wrong people and wrong experiences: this is too personal for me to just offer it as a service. In terms of communicating with some existing clients, I am afraid of alienating them in case I read them wrong and it doesn't really appeal to them. I am worried that local BDSM scene is more about typical fetish, and I still remember the disappointment of my early attempts. Just waiting to see if the right guy magically turns up... Well, that's exactly what I've been doing so far, and now I want to become a bit more proactive in searching for such experiences.
Have you found anything similar to this in your explorations? Do you have any thoughts on the above?