Some very personal ramblings...

Thais

New member
Apr 29, 2006
246
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Calgary
I have been confused about some aspects of my sexuality for some time now. I thought I identified as a BDSM submissive but I am no longer sure. Having noticed the expanded activity on this forum, I've decided to try - again! as I have attempted this exercise before but never got to sharing it - to put my thoughts together and ask for input.

I've read that a significant number of women have rape fantasies. That is certainly true about me, and I started having them way before I even knew what sexuality was. In fact, when it comes to fantasies, nothing vanilla turns me on. I fantasized about conquests of the ancient world, of warriors taking prisoners; of losing a card bet to a powerful lord; of fantasy and sci-fi scenarios, and only very occasionally, of something more fit for our days, such as corporate settings. There were common themes to all those scenarios: yes, there was coercion, some pain and sex, but there was also obsession and reverence. The man in my fantasies wanted ME, not just anybody: for one reason or another, he knew about me and was fascinated by me, so the conquest was extremely personal. The most exciting scenario involved enemies who've acquired a grudging respect and hidden desire for each other, and then one of them lost, and the winner was going to teach her a lesson, yet somehow in the process they developed a curious bond (some Stockholm syndrome influences, I suppose). Whenever I find a new settings for my fantasy, I'd run with it for weeks, developing the plot.

A couple of years ago, I finally decided to act on my curiosities and posted an ad in BDSM personals. I've met with several experienced men of different ages, interests and body types, and proceeded with the one I believed was most attractive to me. What followed was a disappointment. The elements often present in my fantasies - bondage, nipple clamps, spanking, hair pulling and the very concept of submission - left me feeling absolutely indifferent in real life. After several sessions of trying to see if things would change, I told him I was no longer interested.

A little while later I got into escorting. I met HIM in my first two months. He was whip-smart, physically overwhelming, with a bad boy charisma, attraction of age and experience, and dangerously perceptive. He had something predatory about him that comes from years of fighting your way to the top in win-lose situations, an absolute alpha male who now had the power and affluence to get what he wanted when he wanted; and yet he was considerate, and perceptive, and almost reverent with me. I discovered that his very presence made me shiver, want to get on my knees and beg to do whatever he wanted. We never even got to experimenting with bondage because him pinning me down, pushing my hands over my head was enough was enough to make me explode.

For many reasons, our relationship ended; it just got so intense we had to quit. Since then, I've met a guy who identified as top and we've done some bondage and spanking and ordering me around, but... none of it was "it". There was some mild excitement, but mostly, again, indifference. I wasn't getting into the headspace I wanted to be in. And then recently, I met an out of town visitor for a couple of hours where after some gentle, exploratory touching, I found that my knees went weak and my body was screaming "this is it". That careful touch, which has power and confidence to it; the way his fingers paused in my hair... When I regained my breath, I leaned in and whispered in his ear: "Please don't hold back!" And the next time his hand weaved into my hair, his fingers pulled and twisted, making me gasp and arch my back, with just enough strength to assert power and stopping right at the boundary of pain.

So I think I have it somewhat figured out now. I do not have any physical or activity fetishes, i.e. all that BDSM paraphernalia by itself doesn't do it. I seem to have an 'aggressive/ravishing sex with a perceptive and intuitive Alpha-male' fetish, which means that it is partner-specific, which also means I cannot think of a reliable way to explore it.

Ironically, most men who made me tick like this were clients. And I think I have some clients who have this in them, but we have not yet played in this way because I don't know how to communicate it. I am afraid to communicate it. What if I fail to explain or misrepresent it? I can barely explain this to myself as is. This is the most coherent I've ever had it. What if it doesn't really turn their crank, but now that I shared the fantasy, they would think they can't satisfy me with anything we used to do before? I am part-time and very selective about who I see, and the mutuality of experience is very important to my guys.

Is it even really BDSM or is it just plain old chemistry and primitive, raw, animalistic desire that has claws and teeth and doesn't measure its strength?
I don't know. And what's worse, I don't really know how to learn more and explore it, because everybody I had experienced it with is either half-the-country away or no longer in my life. If I start saying to prospective clients that I would be interested in exploring submission or aggressive sex, I am worried about attracting wrong people and wrong experiences: this is too personal for me to just offer it as a service. In terms of communicating with some existing clients, I am afraid of alienating them in case I read them wrong and it doesn't really appeal to them. I am worried that local BDSM scene is more about typical fetish, and I still remember the disappointment of my early attempts. Just waiting to see if the right guy magically turns up... Well, that's exactly what I've been doing so far, and now I want to become a bit more proactive in searching for such experiences.

Have you found anything similar to this in your explorations? Do you have any thoughts on the above?
 

edmontonsubbie

Edmontonsubbie
Apr 22, 2006
1,307
19
38
112
uh...Edmonton.
wow....

...such a treat to read such an articulately written and honestly crafted "ramble".

I can only agree on the basic premise behind what seems to have driven your thoughts on this....and that is that BDSM is basically a "shade" of a relationship and remains a relationship all the same. Do I wish to find the perfect "one" and engage in an intensely personal journey with her? Of course. I also have met a few that I think of more than infrequently....my second wife who was so hot and wonderful and, while not a Top per se, loved to play the game. That one didn't work out, I live here...she lives there. "There" is just too far away.

Then there was a lady I met from Ottawa...we became friends....she was a definite Top by self definition...she was also highly intelligent and pretty good looking to boot. (For me, it's the intelligence and "click" that gets me going more than the hot body....confidence in your own body just makes you hot regardless of your body type). But, that didn't work out either, she moved back to Ottawa this winter.....I helped her pack. Her family is/was there and that's where she belonged. I know full well about how foolish it is to move away from family/kids....regardless of how old they are....they are always your kids and will need you from time to time to time to time to time...and that's a wonderful thing.

I have also met a couple of kind of "not for me" types....have just ended a relationship for that reason. I will save the boring details.

That, then, leaves me with the professionals and that's an interesting business. The wonderful thing about the professional is that you are guaranteed (usually) that they know their craft well. Of course, it may be not what you are looking for but, I think that is as much the client's fault as the provider's. Hopefully there is much initial communication and the Top is not left to guess what it is that this sub wants.

Anyway, I have delayed making my breakfast/lunch and heading out into what appears to be another skiff of snow (fuck, how will I ever get this fucking deck done...sorry...a burst of Tourette's).....screw this, I am moving to Biloxi.

Good luck Thais...be patient...never settle....and be glad that Punt lives in Vangroovie and not Calgary.

eddie.
 

sinfulsydnee

New member
Oct 24, 2007
547
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Winnipeg
Yes...I know of what you speak...

Thais...your personal story is a very familiar one...and a difficult quandry to be in to say the least...I would love to talk with you more about it.
 

uncleg

Well-known member
Jul 25, 2006
5,461
590
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Very interesting and something I've heard/read before. You could have been ghost writing for John Norman, the Gor series. The Alpha male, the helpless female slave, that though under his physical power, actually controls the relationship through her beauty and sexual prowess. There is a whole kinkster community out there that lives/plays that lifefstyle, more in the U.S. then here in Canada. Go on Alt.com, they have their own forum there, complete with having to use the correct terms of address, the whole bit.

If this is your kink then I would think that it will probably be hard to find a long term partner to live/play with. A part of this whole scene is the fact that any man can take any woman, except a Mistress, anywhere, any time. In some ways what makes this play interesting is the search for the perfect slave/master. Good luck.
 
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