reality and fantasy... my musings

pet

New member
Dec 22, 2005
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Life in the bdsm world is an interesting one. I have been exploring it online for 8 years and bit by bit I am choosing to experience it more now in real life. Lately, i have come to the realization that it will be part of my life forever, but it cannot be my life. I think this could be true for a large number of us reading this.

Too many of us are in careers or families that do not approve of this lifestyle, and lets face it, society as a whole struggles to admit it exists. I thought for a long time about how one finds a way to incorporate it into their regular lives, especially if they are like me and have a vanilla partner. I have also thought about how one might try to keep the two worlds separate. Living double lives as it were. It is in fact what i am doing now.

I ask you all the following, Can one sanely compartmentalize the real world where we have responsibilities and lives not condusive to bdsm, from the world of bdsm, where we obtain so much joy, and fulfill such an internal need?

Right now I am living two lives, one where i am fairly newly married and loving that part of my world. The other is where I have recently discovered i cannot cut bdsm out of my life and must find a way of fulfilling that need when my partner does not find the bdsm world appealing at all. You may say, why would you marry someone who does not share your same beliefs, but at the time I felt i was leaving the bdsm world behind. So I am left with the dilemma of being married and loving being married but my submissive bdsm needs tear me away from the dream of getting a house, and 2.5 kids.

Feel free to ignore my personal rants, and key in on the question I ask for the thread of, Can one sanely compartmentalize the real world where we have responsibilities and lives not condusive to bdsm, from the world of bdsm, where we obtain so much joy, and fulfill such an internal need?

Anyways this thread was spurred on by Mistress T's challenge/promise. Unfortunately I have already seen you twice Miss T so I think it disqualifies me from your motivational rewards :(
 

Evan

Member
Nov 20, 2004
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Pet, you raise so many points that it is hard to pin point just one to discuss. I think I understand your situation, but then again I don't believe I am a true submissive and I am slowly learning about the lifestyle so my thoughts may not reflect what's in your mind.

Dual lives ... we all have secrets, even the vanilla people out there. This occurs because our minds are active, and society doesn't always approve of what goes on in our minds. Most people don't act on their thoughts, or they may suppress them completely. You must do what you feel is necessary to act on your needs, but sometimes you must realize that you can't have everything. I don't think living a dual life is the best solution, but it seems to be the answer for a lot of people. If you want to live in both worlds, the answer is to find a partner that you not only love, but you are also completely compatible with.

Vanilla partner ... this too is something I am curious about. Is there really such thing as a vanilla person, or are their thoughts so suppressed or overpowered by guilt that they are not willing to accept their true thoughts? I believe a true sexual partner should be willing to accept their partner's kinks and help them act out their fantasies even if it is not of interest to them. This is why compatibility is important in relationships.

Life is about making choices. Sometimes you will choose a route that is 100% fulfilling. Sometimes you will choose a route that you will need to make sacrifices so as not to hurt the people around you. The key point is that you are in control of your own destiny. If you allow other people to make decisions for you, then you deserve what you get. I think the key point in my life was learning about me first, and fully understandinig what I need in a partner and in life to be happy.

Nobody said that life was easy!
 

pet

New member
Dec 22, 2005
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Know thyself

Know thyself... i think in the biblical sense that means masturbation,, but in the sense of what you said Evan, you are entirely correct.

First I have to say, I think this thread could almost be split into opinions from people who discovered their need for bdsm after they were in a committed relationship and opinions from people who are lucky enough to be in a situation where they are free from restrictions to explore their needs within bdsm.

Back to know thyself. Regardless of what situation you are in you need to know and accept who you are. Some will argue it is always changing, each new experience changes you in some way. Well I agree with that philosophy, I think your core values or sense of self remains fairly constant. If you are in a situation where you do not feel you know your core values, you become un-centered and unhappy, you need to find those values before moving on, n'est pas?

Therefore, my question becomes, "What have people done who were in a committed relationship first then discovered bdsm? and what was the result of your actions?"
 
Aug 16, 2006
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Go for it!

I am perhaps not the best one to respond to this thread as I did not quite discover my love for BDSM after I was in a committed relationship. My story is long, so I'll keep it short.

I realized that I only have one life. Even if I'm reincarnated I won't remember this one, so for all intense purposes, I get one ride. It's my fucking ride and when I'm 80 years old reflecting on it I don't want 'what if's'.

Therefore I take risks and I go for it. That goes for BDSM, India and all the rest.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -Mae West

I realize that others have different situations, family, etc. that prevent them from taking the risks I do. I still hope that I inspire people, by doing the things that other people find so daunting. Go for it!
 

uncleg

Well-known member
Jul 25, 2006
5,461
591
113
Pet...

does your partner find BDSM unappealing as a result of personal exposure to it, or just based on hearing about it, seeing images wherever/whatever ? Have you ever broached the subject to her ?

I would say bring her to it "gently". Go to Taboo the Sex Show with her, wander through some of the shops on Davie Street. Take a look at some of the toys on display and if looking at floggers, maybe question what that would feel like. If she asks, how would you like to find out, buy one. That way you can always remind her it was her idea. I took my SO into play, slowly, one step at a time. Now, there are some things we do together that are very basic, bondage and some spanking, but there are other aspects that are at the extreme end of the spectrum, that don't include pain. Good luck.:)
 
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