Firstly I should apologize for the Tolstoy version this post became. I didn't intend for it to be this long when I started. Also, I'm from out east but the site for my region limits new users to moderated posting and I'm not sure if the moderator on that site would allow it to go through, so I hope you'll forgive the intrusion of an interloper.
Maybe it's a familiar story for other people here but it has never happened to me before and I have no idea how to deal with it. I know I'm not the first person to experience this but that knowledge brings little comfort. Given the peculiarities of this life and its requirement for anonymity, posting on a site like this is the only outlet I have.
I broke the big rule - I developed serious feelings for a SP. Not just lust and not just a passing infatuation, the real thing. I certainly wasn't looking for it, I was happy enough to go about my life with no emotional entanglements. Then I met her and suddenly the sex was only of secondary importance, I treasured the opportunity to just sit and talk with her, spending time together. When we did proceed to the physical part, I found it had become an intensely emotional and personal experience for me. No one has captivated me this way before.
To keep seeing her, having these feelings growing in intensity and keep them bottled up was not a sustainable way for me to live and I eventually worked up the nerve to tell her. By nature I'm a very quiet, introverted person and putting my heart on my sleeve like that took extreme effort. I didn't want to put her on the spot or make her uncomfortable so I thought it best to send an email. After spending literally all day drafting, redrafting and revising it, I spent close to half an hour just sitting at my desk, debating whether or not to click "Send."
The resulting rejection was what you would expect (and, if I'm honest with myself, what I too knew was most probable). Not surprisingly she asked me to not contact her again and of course I acceded to her request.
The rejection was almost 6 months ago. Shortly afterwards I did the ever so predictable thing and sought out a meaningless encounter with another woman, hoping that would help me recover. That was a big mistake, it only made me feel worse (and, although it may seem stupid, disloyal). Since then I've led a very solitary life, eschewing one extreme for the other, and that will probably continue for the foreseeable future. Maintaining this solitude isn't much of a challenge - I don't mind admitting my confidence has been shattered. How could I misjudge a situation so badly?
The problem is that all these months later I still feel crushed under the weight of an all-consuming melancholy every day. I manage to hold it together when I'm at work or out in public but sometimes when I get back to my empty apartment I just fall apart. Keeping up the pretense that I'm feeling fine is exhausting. Usually I'm successful but sometimes the facade slips - one day a co-worker asked me why I looked so depressed.
I just drift through each day, going through the motions, doing what I have to do and waiting for the day to end. The diversions I previously enjoyed no longer offer any comfort. I used to really like to cook but now I only do it as a biological necessity. I used to enjoy sitting down for a quiet evening of reading or listening to music, now I find my mind wanders and I can't focus on what I'm listening to or reading. I used to enjoy the occasional glass of scotch but now I'm scared I would develop a habit of drinking to excess and where that road would lead.
Usually when I have something troubling me, I find solace in going for long walks but even that is denied me. Now whenever I go out, all I see are couples holding hands, enjoying each others company. I don't begrudge them their happiness but seeing it really twists the knife. It's gotten to the point that even just thinking about sex, physical intimacy, love, any associated topics cause me much distress and I try to avoid exposure to them as much as possible.
I think the disparity is a big part of what makes this so difficult to get over. That I regarded her so highly and she thought so low of me is just devastating. Based on the tone of our last email exchange I suspect she may have even actively disliked me. She occupies my thoughts so much even now and I wouldn't be surprised if she's already forgotten all about me. I wish I could do the same.
Conventional wisdom is that eventually things will get better, although it certainly hasn't so far. I just wish I could fast-forward to that day. Like Wotan, nur Eines will ich noch: das Ende.
So there we are. If anyone has any comments or words of advice feel free to post them. Commiseration or even just a slap in the face and telling me to smarten up. If this topic goes ignored maybe at least putting it out in the electronic ether will prove cathartic in some way.
Maybe it's a familiar story for other people here but it has never happened to me before and I have no idea how to deal with it. I know I'm not the first person to experience this but that knowledge brings little comfort. Given the peculiarities of this life and its requirement for anonymity, posting on a site like this is the only outlet I have.
I broke the big rule - I developed serious feelings for a SP. Not just lust and not just a passing infatuation, the real thing. I certainly wasn't looking for it, I was happy enough to go about my life with no emotional entanglements. Then I met her and suddenly the sex was only of secondary importance, I treasured the opportunity to just sit and talk with her, spending time together. When we did proceed to the physical part, I found it had become an intensely emotional and personal experience for me. No one has captivated me this way before.
To keep seeing her, having these feelings growing in intensity and keep them bottled up was not a sustainable way for me to live and I eventually worked up the nerve to tell her. By nature I'm a very quiet, introverted person and putting my heart on my sleeve like that took extreme effort. I didn't want to put her on the spot or make her uncomfortable so I thought it best to send an email. After spending literally all day drafting, redrafting and revising it, I spent close to half an hour just sitting at my desk, debating whether or not to click "Send."
The resulting rejection was what you would expect (and, if I'm honest with myself, what I too knew was most probable). Not surprisingly she asked me to not contact her again and of course I acceded to her request.
The rejection was almost 6 months ago. Shortly afterwards I did the ever so predictable thing and sought out a meaningless encounter with another woman, hoping that would help me recover. That was a big mistake, it only made me feel worse (and, although it may seem stupid, disloyal). Since then I've led a very solitary life, eschewing one extreme for the other, and that will probably continue for the foreseeable future. Maintaining this solitude isn't much of a challenge - I don't mind admitting my confidence has been shattered. How could I misjudge a situation so badly?
The problem is that all these months later I still feel crushed under the weight of an all-consuming melancholy every day. I manage to hold it together when I'm at work or out in public but sometimes when I get back to my empty apartment I just fall apart. Keeping up the pretense that I'm feeling fine is exhausting. Usually I'm successful but sometimes the facade slips - one day a co-worker asked me why I looked so depressed.
I just drift through each day, going through the motions, doing what I have to do and waiting for the day to end. The diversions I previously enjoyed no longer offer any comfort. I used to really like to cook but now I only do it as a biological necessity. I used to enjoy sitting down for a quiet evening of reading or listening to music, now I find my mind wanders and I can't focus on what I'm listening to or reading. I used to enjoy the occasional glass of scotch but now I'm scared I would develop a habit of drinking to excess and where that road would lead.
Usually when I have something troubling me, I find solace in going for long walks but even that is denied me. Now whenever I go out, all I see are couples holding hands, enjoying each others company. I don't begrudge them their happiness but seeing it really twists the knife. It's gotten to the point that even just thinking about sex, physical intimacy, love, any associated topics cause me much distress and I try to avoid exposure to them as much as possible.
I think the disparity is a big part of what makes this so difficult to get over. That I regarded her so highly and she thought so low of me is just devastating. Based on the tone of our last email exchange I suspect she may have even actively disliked me. She occupies my thoughts so much even now and I wouldn't be surprised if she's already forgotten all about me. I wish I could do the same.
Conventional wisdom is that eventually things will get better, although it certainly hasn't so far. I just wish I could fast-forward to that day. Like Wotan, nur Eines will ich noch: das Ende.
So there we are. If anyone has any comments or words of advice feel free to post them. Commiseration or even just a slap in the face and telling me to smarten up. If this topic goes ignored maybe at least putting it out in the electronic ether will prove cathartic in some way.